Dear Sophie,

I need your help! I just started seeing this guy and I think there's chemistry between us. He's interested, I'm interested and we've been seeing each other for a couple of weeks. We both flirt back and forth with each other but it doesn't really go beyond that. I'm afraid that if I make the first move, I'll scare him off. He might be afraid of the same thing, but I don't know how to find out without having a really awkward conversation that could blow the whole thing. I really want to get physical, but not if it costs me the whole relationship.

What should I do?

Itchy

Dear Itchy,

Okay, I do have an idea for you. If I read between the lines correctly here, you haven't even had a goodnight kiss yet (which is the ultimate ice-breaker). A great way to break that ice is a method taught to me by a dear friend about 25 years ago. This guy was smoooooooth and had no shame (which can be a good thing sometimes). He had a very light-hearted approach to new relationships and his dates took his cue and didn't attach a lot of angst to those early decisions like when to call, when to kiss, etc.

Here's his idea: When you meet each other for the date, right at the beginning, say, "Listen, we both know how suspenseful it can be wondering what our goodnight kiss might be like, and if we'll even have one. Well, I LOVE goodnight kisses and I don't want to spend our time together being distracted wondering about it. So let's just get that out of the way right now, have our goodnight kiss and then we can both relax and enjoy our time together." VOILA!

I have witnessed this technique being used a time or two to break the ice and it doesn't convey any heavy drama or expectations, just that you love to kiss! The mood of the evening inevitably ends up very positive and warm and of course, kissing CAN lead to harder drugs! (~wink, nudge~)

So if you've already kissed or made out and are wondering about the next step, I'd say you could use this GoodNight Kiss (GNK) technique even now and see where it leads. What do you have to lose?

Hope it works out well for you!

Love'n'such,
Sophie

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

A friend and I were talking last night about how to deal with the depression that can come about as the result of the change of the seasons. The cooler weather and the promise of bone-chilling cold, the loss of greenery and the impending holidays all spell depression for some folks. Not for me, though! I love this time of year the best of all.

But for those who do suffer seasonal depression, I have a recommendation for you. Among other tools (like hot coffee spiked with Bailey's, my fireplace, etc.), I have in my arsenal BEDDING THERAPY. How does it work? It takes a little investment, I'll admit, but you can start slowly and build.

I have a bed that is to die for! Waking up and going to bed have new meaning when you max out the comfort of your bed. Mine has two full-sized real sheepskin on top of my perfectly-firm mattress. (For those who love a really firm mattress, try an all-cotton futon mattress on a waterbed box frame.) On top of the sheepskin are my 600-count Egyptian cotton sheets that I picked up on sale for around $50 for the set. I got two, so that I could alternate them in the wash.

In my bedding cabinet (a funky old wardrobe I scored from an antique booth at Smiley's), I store several ultra-soft fleece blankets, a few good quality handmade quilts and my prize of all prizes ... a king-sized goose down comforter for those months (Jan-Feb) that I term "deep winter." Goose down pillows (load up, you're worth it---I have six!) complete the decadence.

Any sort of bedding indulgence helps, and the more love you heap upon your bed, the more love will be waiting for you when you crawl in (not to mention the added benefit of tactile sensuality you can share with your bedmate/s!). You can be dirt poor, stressed out, discouraged, downtrodden and insecure but when you crawl into a bed that sleeps like a cloud, everything goes away. In addition to the comfort offered in your waking moments, you will sleep like a baby ... and a good night's sleep is good medicine too!

So, if you haven't already (and even if you have), go out and acquire something for your bed that will make it your little slice of heaven. Having a bedding fetish is among the most innocuous of all fetishes, and it will have lasting effects on your psyche as well as your physical sense of well-being. It's nourishment, in the true sense of the word.

And if you find anything good (especially if it's on sale), LET ME KNOW!

Much love,
Sophie

PS ... Thanks for your support and letters! I will begin answering them soon!

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

I am helping a friend sort out a confusing, perplexing situation with a fellow in her life. It's the same-old, same-old. Why does someone pursue us only to duck out at the last minute and leave us hanging? Why go through the trouble of asking for a phone number one is never going to use? Any time that a behavior seems to be in conflict with the perceptions we have about the situation, we begin to question, "Why?"

Unfortunately, most of us begin that process of figuring out why someone behaved a certain way by turning the scope on ourselves first. "What did I do wrong?" Women especially are prone to immediately assume the responsibility (whether willingly/happily or not) for being the stimulus behind that behavior. "Was I too much? Not enough?" But, of course, we know that's rarely the case. We know it well enough to tell our friends that when THEY are going through it, but often we don't remember it so well when we are comforting and nurturing our own egos.

But the point I want to make really has to do with acknowledging multiple motivations. Rarely is a decision or a behavior based on one single motivation or needs, but rather a complex web of competing needs and emotions (some rational and some not so rational).

The overly-simplistic illustration of this was on an episode of "Sex and the City" where Miranda was wondering why a fellow didn't call. Later, she thinks she has it figured out after hearing about the "He's just not that into you" theory. Her date declines an invitation to "come up for a drink" and she decides to let him off the hook by telling him it's okay, it's okay if he's not into her. But the problem was simply that dinner didn't sit well with him and he needed a bathroom fast (and of course didn't want it to be hers). So her first two responses would have been, "Why doesn't he like me?" and "It's okay if you don't like me." It never occurred to her that there was a much simpler reason that had nothing to do with her, or that his motivation to go was competing with his motivation to stay (and winning, for obvious reasons). It's impossible for us to know all those motivations and how they weigh into the equation.

The more complex and probably more common multiplicity of motivations would manifest in more subtle ways and often leave us mystfied. Longing for love and affiliation, sex and romance, company and compassion compete with a variety of different kinds and levels of fear. We push, we pull. We pull, we push. We can't stand the heat, but we can't pry ourselves out of the kitchen.

Here's another example of how we misinterpret the words and actions of others: I've heard this story many times in many contexts and it always reminds me not to judge people's motivations and behaviors.

Once a man is sitting on a subway and there are several children going ape around him. They're jumping in and out of the aisles, running into the legs of passengers, yelling loudly and being generally out of control. Their apparent father is staring blankly out the window and paying no attention to his sons' behavior or the growing agitation of those around him. Finally, one of the passengers speaks up rather sharply, "Can't you control your children? What is your problem? Do you just not care how they turn out? What kind of father are you?"

And so the father turned to his critics and softly apologized, "I'm so sorry, I'm not really sure what to do. Their mother just died in the hospital this morning and we're going home now to an empty house and I'm just not sure how I'm going to handle them and everything else. I'm really sorry that they bothered you."

Of course, that knowledge changes everything, doesn't it? Suddenly we can forgive his shortcomings as a father and look the other way, or interact with the children in a more compassionate manner than just glaring at them over our newspapers.

We don't know what lurks in the hearts and minds of our fellow humans. We can't begin to understand another person's motivations, especially when we're not too terribly clear on our own. We are all often motivated by longing in one direction and fear in another direction. Fear often wins when longing should, and vice versa (such as when people commit unspeakable acts upon each other with no apparent fear of reprisal or concern for harm done). If we can approach every human interaction (even those which disappoint and hurt us) with compassion and forgiveness, and a certain blind faith regarding each person's attempts to DO THE BEST THEY CAN, then the disappointments we heap upon each other might get just a little easier to bear. If the discomforts of another person's behavior cause us pain in a manner that becomes a pattern, we have to stop and question our own motivation for continuing to subject ourselves to it. What motivates a person to choose pain and loneliness every day?

What motivates us? Everything. Everything that happens to us (or has ever happened to us) motivates our behaviors. By making the arena for interactions with each other as safe and forgiving as possible, we coax each other out of our shells and into the very scary and very fun game of love. And I'm not just talking about romantic/sexual love or love of family and friends. I'm talking about the love that binds humanity and makes it possible for us to share space and resources ... love of fellow human. Sometimes, that's the hardest kind.

Love,
Sophie

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

A dear, dear friend of mine called me this morning and asked if he could get my advice. (I love it when that happens!) He is seeing a woman who is extricating herself from a failed marriage and the situation is and has been really messy. She's in no financial position to just begin with a fresh new home full of new belongings and the material things from their shared life are constant reminders of the pain and suffering they shared and, most likely, angry feelings about the way things were going with the divorce. Is eradication of these things from their lives necessary for moving on? Can one "make peace" with material belongings infused with our darker histories?

I recommended a ceremony of some kind, whether it be a traditional smudging with smoking herbs or a purification ritual of simply taking a hot shower with candles and scent in the air. Maybe a series of long hikes in the forest to realign ourselves, to stir the pot that is our soul and work those things that have sunk to the bottom of the soup back into the diffused joy of daily life. In that sense, they take on new contexts. Contextual meaning can be everything. Think about that song that brings a lump to your throat or tears to your eyes every time you hear it, which is always by surprise because you would never intentionally put yourself through that. Is the song lost to you forever? Or can you stir it back into the soup and find new relevance, new meaning, new context by which to still love it?

Think about the things you have let sink to the bottom ... and whether they are worth retrieving. In the end, there are some we want back and some things we think best left there or thrown out with the scraps and replaced entirely. Or not ever replaced, simply ... no longer there.

In my house? Something old, something new.

Speaking of new ... a shout out to V.H., a diamond I found and am holding onto. She is light, she is joy, she is the epitome of love incarnate. We all admire her.

Love,
Sophie

(Communicate via sophieseriously at gmail dot com)

Some Kiss We Want

There is some kiss we want with
our whole lives, the touch of
spirit on the body. Seawater
begs the pearl to break its shell.
And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild darling! At
night, I open the window and ask
the moon to come and press its
face against mine. Breathe into
me. Close the language door and
open the love window. The moon
won't use the door, only the window.

---Rumi/Translator: Coleman Barks

Love, Sophie

sophieseriously ...at... gmail.com

Last night I attended a reading and talk by Dr. Bud Harris, author of The Fire and the Rose: Wedding of Spirituality and Sexuality. It was an intimate gathering in Accent on Books on Merrimon Avenue in Asheville, NC. I wasn't quite sure what to expect and so was glad for the opportunity to simply sit and listen to his readings, his presentation and the subsequent discussion, which moved beyond the standard Q&A format pretty quickly. I bought the book and am reading it now, so don't have tremendous insights to offer other than this wonderful quote from the book:

"Conventional wisdom fears passion because it may thrust us blindly out of the pinched shoes of propriety and the roles we've been shoehorned into by family and society, and into the chaos of ecstasy or despair. Whether recognized or not, passion fuels the divine courses of our sexuality and spirituality until either they come together in a blossoming tree of fire or we shrink back into the safety of provisional lives."

He described the nature of the relationship of spirituality and sexuality not as polar opposites or opposing forces in our hearts and minds, but rather as the complementary elements of yin and yang which work in synergy and balance to complete us, to make us whole and fully engaged in the pursuit of our fulfillment.

"When these forces become separate and isolated they aggessively turn on each other and their outuput is destructive. Reconsidering the things we think we already understand about sexuality and spirituality as opposites will help us bring them back into a circle of relatedness--the circle of the soul."

He spoke very eloquently and lyrically on the elements of love, spirituality, Oneness with Nature, sexuality, passion ... one particularly beautiful analogy was in reference to the importance of loving oneself first and wholly. He said that love for oneself is like water filling a pond. Only once the pond is filled with water can it overflow to that which surrounds it.

His message was not one of reassurance, necessarily, so much as an invitation into the chaos and "terror" (as well as the utter joy, satisfaction and fulfillment) that living fully in pursuit of wholeness evokes. It's an offer we can't refuse.

"To feel the sense of wholeness supporting life is like coming home to ourselves. It is a moment of joy and serenity. And while it's a moment we can enjoy, it's not one we can hold on to. If we try, the effort will imprison us in the same way that never wanting to leave home can prevent our journey from continuing."

Let's join the Dance!

Love,
Sophie

Dr. Bud Harris is a Jungian analyst in private practice in Asheville, NC. His book The Fire and the Rose: The Wedding of Spirituality and Sexuality is available at Accent on Books on Merrimon Avenue in Asheville.

This is used with permission from the author as well:

"the things that we tend to let go (in the mad rush that is Life) are the most life-sustaining ... they are sensory. think about the most fulfilling gifts life has to offer us and they all tie into the indulgence of senses ... the touch of warm skin, a puppy lick, a child's hand in ours ... the smell of beautiful haunting scents, warm freshly baked bread, the fresh cut grass of summer ... the sound of soul satisfying music, the voice of our beloveds, the laughter of children ... the taste of cool pure water, our favorite ice cream, the flavor of our morning coffee or tea ... the sight of home as we approach, the way someone special looked at us as we said goodbye, our children's faces as they sleep ... it's all about taking care of ourselves. that's not selfish. it's nurturing. like the fishes and the loaves, we can only share that which we allow ourselves in plenty. how can we spread the lovingness and goodness that we don't allow for ourselves?

it's not enough to make money and buy things and stay in motion, producing and proving to the world our worth. our worth as humans is made real by our acknowledgement of our sensory needs and our pursuit of that deepest level of sustenance that makes everything else possible ..."

Love,
Sophie

Used with permission from the author:



"self-improvement is overrated ... it often leads to disappointment, disillusionment, despair ... there is a way to approach a similar process as GROWTH (words are very important here) and to approach the process of that growth with the idea that limbs or leaves being pruned are not weaknesses or illnesses, but important aspects of your "tree" that once served a purpose, are a part of the beautiful you, and simply no longer serve a purpose. letting go of those things lovingly and gently is very different from putting your face in them, dealing with them, improving yourself ... the leaves become nourishment for your growth, the limbs can be burned in the fire that fuels your soul ... everything that has ever been a part of you is good, beautiful, perfect ... even the parts that make you cringe to think about. you must stop cringing when you look at yourself ... you need no improvement ... you are perfect as you are sitting there now reading this. there are aspects of yourself that serve your happiness and growth better than others, and you will prune them away when the time is right ... "

Love,
Sophie

Gentle Reader,

Do you have a "personal mission statement" ... ? Do you know what this is? The concept of a personal mission statement is supposed to bring focus, direction and purpose to our daily lives. If you have a personal mission statement you're willing to share, or questions on how to develop one, please feel free to write.

I'm considering mine.

How can I briefly and succinctly encapsulate my priorities in a single statement intended to motivate my every action, my every decision, my every direction? I'd want it to encapsulate a passion for living, for loving, for learning and for the values I hold most dear.

Dr. Stephen Covey's works (7 Habits of Highly Effective People) introduced me to the concept and more information on his approach can be found at www.FranklinCovey.com.

Mine is now in development. I'll be posting more about it.

What is your purpose in life? What are your goals? How would you like to be remembered?

Love,
Sophie

This blog can now be accessed through SophieSeriously.com. You may now address your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophie@sophieseriously.com. Thanks for stopping in!

This is right on time. And applies to anyone. XO, Sophie

Sophie, my entire life, i have encountered extreme cruelty, prejudice, and denial of relationships with 97% of American women in general, and with ones that i have shown romantic interest in. Even after becoming a married man 13 years ago, i seem to not get the benefit of the doubt that other men seem to get, i experience this when i am in line at the bank for instance, when i wish to cash my paycheck, i get harranged for extra peices of ID that i don't have, and i notice other men in line don't get the same thing done to them, and they have accounts else were, as i do, i know this, as many of them have been my coworkers, in the workplace, i have experienced discrimination from co working females, in the way i am perceived and talked to, often being held to higher standards, and many times, the females i work with, have convinced the other males in the workplace to harras me, me finding this out later, i have never seen another male get this kind of treatment, not in the frequency, and magnitude in witch it seems to happen to me, i really don't believe I'm causing it, there is no mystical problem with my personality, i am kind, very reasonably attractive, a hard worker, and a team player. my wife has noticed the same thing, and it baffles us both. in my everyday life, it has caused me to struggle with depression,,, always think 80% of the women i run into, have an ulterior motive where I'm concerned, and possibly don't always tell the truth about me to other people. in recent years, i have learned to be very silent around women, this has helped at least keep the peace, but it doesn't always work, i have also trained myself to judge each person differently, and always give every new female that comes in to my life a chance to work positively with me, what can i do to change this obvious dilemma? it seems to mainly be American women i have this problem with, i get along great with Hispanic women, i just want to know if there are steps i can take to stop this, i decided a long time ago, that I'm not going to go out of my way to prove I'm a good person, i will only be myself, and i know I'm a decent individual, many i feel should recognize this, and give me the same benefit of the doubt, that they are giving to others.

bewildered by bias



Dearest Bewildered,

My response to you is somewhat complex because I have to speculate a lot, having no idea what you look like or what your sense of presence might be. My first inclination is to wonder if your perceptions of other's reactions to you might be being colored by your own sense of self, and whether there might be some obvious aspect of your physicality that stands out to others but not to you. Let's assume that you are of average appearance and that physicality must have some impact on initial reaction (what else do others have to go on?) of others.

I should ask: Is it only women? Never men? What about gay men? Does sexual tension play into the equation? (It sounds like it does.) You mention that Latino women don't seem affected. Do you have similar (read: familiar) features to them? Could you be sensing a racial or ethnic discomfort? Do you dress in bright flowered velvet clothing? Do you whistle through your nose when you breath? You can imagine that the list goes on. Yes, your wife is comfortable with your physicality and apparently equally mystified. What about at first? Was it love at first sight or did she need time to gain trust for you?

So many questions, Bewildered. I think I might need more information if I am to seriously address your problem with any level of credibility or hopes for usefulness.

Remember too that our perception of ourselves is often much harsher than others perception of us. We tend to magnify our traits that we find least desirable and that others might not even notice. Have you gotten feedback from anyone more neutral than your wife?

I hope that at the very least my response has given you some issues to examine, research within your experience and to evaluate for alternative perspectives. I'm betting that you're a very special man among most.

Thanks so much for writing!

Love,
Sophie

This blog can now be accessed through SophieSeriously.com. You may now address your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophie@sophieseriously.com. Thanks for stopping in!

Dear Sophie,

Why is our society so obsessed with physical beauty? How do I spark romantic interest if I'm rather plain physically?

Beholdee

Dear Beholdee,

First of all, I'd like to suggest that you think a lot about what and whom you find beautiful yourself. When you feel the spark of attraction with another human, study that person carefully and note his or her characteristics. Do they have a "perfect" body? A flawless face? Lots of hair or not much? How is it styled? Keep either a physical or mental inventory as you go about your research and make copious notes about as much of the person as you can possibly observe.

Then I want you to go over the inventory. Very likely, not all of the persons you admired had the same characteristics. I'd be willing to bet that there was no single characteristic shared by every one of your study subjects.

I personally find all types of men and women physically attractive. Although I consider myself a heterosexual, I enjoy looking at beautiful women as well as beautiful men. What makes this enjoyment richer is that nearly everyone I meet is beautiful in some way. Is it because I live in some magically blessed corner of the world? No. It's because I love variation on the theme.

I love men who with long hair, short hair and bald men; big and small men, old and young men. All shapes, sizes, colors, ages and styles of dress. Same with women. Even though my interest in women is tempered by my sexuality, I truly enjoy the beauty of other women.

I will say that there is one characteristic common to every person, man or woman, I find attractive: a warm smile. Really. If you use the 1-10 scale for beauty, you can boost your score by at least 5 to 7 points by simply sharing a warm, sincere smile with everyone you meet (not just potential suitors).

Beyond the first impression, I contend that a grateful and happy demeanor also enhance our attractiveness. I'm not just talking about an emotional or spiritual response by others to your attitude, but the actual physical changes that occur in our bodies when we maintain a positive attitude. Your features soften, your vibe is warm, your posture is more inviting --- the list goes on.

Finally, I firmly believe in celebrating your own beauty. Do you? Do you know how beautiful you really are, and do you present yourself lovingly to the world? Wearing clothing that expresses your spirit (and I'm not talking about dressing to impress on a financial scale), jewelry that decorates and enhances your features, and a hairstyle that speaks to your lifestyle can all make an incredible difference in the image you present to yourself and to the world. Cosmetics and nail polish aren't frivolity for the shallow, either. They are tools for the self-expression of your own beauty and should be a part of your image if that's who you are (whether man or woman).

And of course, I hope I don't even need to mention the importance of scrupulous hygiene?

It might be hard at first to view yourself and the world as ultimately flawless in your imperfection, but it can happen over time if you practice. It really does take practice. You have to block out the negative voices of outside influences (mainstream media, controlling friends or families, etc.) and especially your OWN negativity. If you have trouble getting started, turn off the television for at least one month and see how your perception of your own beauty and that of others around you changes (and it will change, trust me).

Thanks for writing. Write again.

Love much,
Sophie

This blog can now be accessed through SophieSeriously.com. Until I resolve mail server issues, please continue to address your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously (at) gmail.com

Gentle reader,

Here I sit in my big easy chair with laptop screen burning into the total darkness surrounding me, and I suddenly have nothing to say and so much to say that I can't imagine squeezing it all through my fingers into the keyboard and shooting it across cyberspace for you to read. I know it's been a long time since I wrote, and I have missed writing so much. The last year has been a blur of changes and activity and chaos and turmoil. But I should have been writing anyway, I know. Those times are the most fertile for our imagination, for our cultivation of empathy and wisdom and insight. I don't think the experiences are wasted though. I think I can pick up here, in this tiny corner of the universe, where I left off and I can speak to you, sing to you, soothe you and challenge you in all the ways I need to be spoken to, sung to, soothed and challenged.

Look for me here, if you're still checking in. And pass the word along to those you think might be interested. Write when and if you can. I need your inspiration. And I promise you mine.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously (at) gmail.com

Dear Sophie,

I'm not typically a depressed sort of person, but the state of world politics is seriously harshing my mellow. Are we completely freakin' out? Is this the end of the world as we know it? What's the answer?

Truly Terminally-Bewildered

Dear Truly,

Yeah, I guess we are sort of totally freaking out. I mean, it's unfathomable to me that in this day and time, we are still capable of the level of man's inhumanity to man that we rationalize and justify every day for what appears to me to be nothing more than corporate greed. Not to mention the level of cruelty inflicted every day on innocent men, women, children, animals. What are we thinking after all?

In terms of reconciling that into a pill I can swallow every morning on my way out to work, there are tools but no real cure. I listen to a lot of music. A LOT of music. I tap into the great outdoors that surrounds us and that always gives me perspective. Outdoors, I am reminded that man has been around with bare essentials (sunshine, water, vegetation) for gazillions of years and that, as John Popper sings, "it won't mean a thing in a hundred years." It grounds me back to seeing the absurdity and grace of each day.

I indulge my senses and I avoid violence in the media except for what slips through the news. I turn the news off sometimes, but I always remember to turn it back on. As depressing as the news can be, it is the reality of All That Is that keeps me grounded and grateful.

Finally, I think that you need a delicate balance of alone and not alone times. Don't distract yourself from your healing by keeping meaningless relationships afloat, but also don't isolate yourself from those you know you can love and trust safely. Take love where you can get it and don't try to analyze every thing that happens. Sometimes good things happen for no reason and sometimes bad things happen for no reason.

My single most valuable piece of advice for today: There's not always someone to blame.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously (at) gmail.com

The freakinasheville.com website has been down since last summer, and thus my column has been, too. But I think I've found a way now to keep the blog going while we await the return of Jim-Daddy.

If you have anything you'd like to say or ask, just drop me a line at my new email address, which is sophieseriously (at) gmail.com.

I hope to hear from you!

Love,
Sophie

It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving. - Mother Teresa

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Maybe you can help me understand the ways of society. Is it Western culture? American? Southern? Mountain? Wherever we go, people want to ask us questions out of the blue. Like where are we from? What's that thing hanging out of the trunk of our car? Are we married? What about kids? Planning on adopting?

Where are these people coming from? Why are they asking? And how should I respond, especially if I'm not inclined to answer at all?

Who Me?


Who, it's totally understandable that you find this behavior surprising, annoying or even alarming. But! I am of the opinion that 99.9999% of such questions are innocent attempts of humans (not locals, Americans, Westerners, but humans) to connect with each other in some way. Yes, there is some degree of personal curiosity, maybe a smoodge of comparison or even some specific goal for gaining information...but mostly, I think we just like to know each other, to peer into each others' lives, to be touched in ours and to sometimes be reminded of just how different and just how much alike we really are.

I think that humans, regardless of their environment, are always looking for some kind of connection. In big corporate environments, that might translate to anonymous closet sex at the office and lots of meaningless lunch meetings and dinner parties. Here in the mountains, that means neighbors walking by and asking questions about your lawn or trading cuttings or having pancake breakfasts at the drop of a hat. If you think about the millions of ways that we find to disconnect from one another, it's no wonder the pressure to connect builds up and spurts out at us and each other in the most unexpected ways. Sometimes the person reaching out might be just as surprised as anyone at their own behavior. Sometimes that need to connect transcends proper etiquette, appropriateness, legality or even safety. Sometimes we just want to have that touch and we're willing to say or do anything just to see.

I met some of my dearest sisters & brothers in chance conversations in town. I know a self-professed recluse I met by chance because he was also reaching out to the world. Two of my next-door neighbors feel like aunts to me and we share the same herd of critters. Haven't we all bumped bass-ackwards into someone who, but for one or the other of us pushing our boundary, we never would have found? Never would have discovered?

Should we reach back? I say yes. What have we got to lose? A few minutes from our busy day? A little privacy? As long as the privacy is handled gently and with dignity, as is most often the case, it builds a web of threadlike silver connections that whisper in the air above our heads as we walk and walk and spin 'round through our days. There we all are. What is there to do but to ask each other questions?

I agree that there is reason for caution, for testing the waters and establishing trust. Most times, I'm betting, it's well worth the investment.

But withholding from that experience, I think shortchanges us. I equate that with the analogy of having a good and beautiful thought like, "I love you so much" or "My gawd, you're beautiful" and not sharing it---like just pouring a love potion down the sink.

Love potion is everywhere, dripping off the trees and blooming out like flowers (*curtsy* Missy Misdemeanor Elliott) and it can be as full of perfect loving grace as helping your elderly neighbor with their vision quest at Walmart or as sticky as taking an endangered teen off the streets. You decide how deeply you can wade into the swamp of humanity.

To me, it's about chances. And when it comes to love, I'd take my chances.

Love bunchly,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to:
sophieseriously (at) gmail.com

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

-------------------------Mary Oliver

Love,
Sophie

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Compatibility vs. compromise

Relationship compatibility is a very complex web of factors. The biggest issues are seemingly (and in no particular order): Sex, money, parenting, religion, politics ... and did I mention sex? Incompatibility in any one of these realms, even in the most idyllic of relationships, can break a couple up bitterly. Why is it that we don't require that high level of compatibility with nonromantic/nonsexual relationships? Because these things matter less. And we're willing and able to extend more compromise for lower levels of compatibility. Have you ever noticed the ratio balance? The higher the compatibility level, the less compromise is required. The lower the compatibility, the higher the level of compromise. How much is too much?

Can there be a such thing as TOO MUCH compatibility? I believe there can be. If you measure compatibility as sameness. But is it? Maybe compatibility is NOT sameness, but rightness. In other words, a couple of people who are so identical in expression, habit, spirit, thought and action don't challenge each other, don't stimulate each other, don't teach each other and may soon stagnate in boredom and listlessness. At the same time, not enough sameness can have equally erosive effects. So how is true compatibility measured? In balance.

The key elements required, in my estimation are: intimacy, communication, tolerance and self-reliance. I can't imagine a successful intimate relationship without each. The balance is dynamic. It's in constant adjustment to environment, to the cycles of time, etc. So there is no one particular true formula for that, the recipe changes with the conditions. And you have to change with it.


Love,
Sophie

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Dear Sophie,

I've been checking you out, reading your blog lately, and I'm mystified. How can you, or anyone, come away from relationships in which you've been hurt, mistreated or disappointed and not experience and express anger or resentment?

It's one thing if you don't feel it, but what if you do feel it? How do you keep that all bottled up inside?

Gen. Public

Dear General:

Well, let's see. First of all, I would recommend that if you do feel anger or resentment toward a person, regardless of the nature of the relationship, you should express it. Only one firm guideline there: express it constructively. In other words, there's a big difference between writing or saying, without angry embellishment, "I'm really hurt by this situation and I need to talk about it."---and---losing your cool with accusations and blame. You have two decisions to make there.

First, to whom do you address your anger or resentment? Consider carefully the willingness of the listener. In some cases, a trusted but neutral friend or professional or family member might be best. Perhaps it might be best to express it to yourself or the world at large through writing or art. And in some cases, it's best to go straight to the source of your anger and calmly confront that person.

I would not recommend an ambush, or surprise conversation that catches any person off guard. If you involve someone else, whether the "offender" or a neutral party, let them know ahead of time what you need and give them a chance to accept or reject their role in the conversation. Ask for support, and let it be clear that you are not seeking to shame or blame. And if you do end up in a conversation with the person with whom you're angry, it's very important to honor their trust in your behavior by not attacking them or shaming them, either.

That's---if you're angry. But you don't necessarily have to be angry when things don't work out your way, and that sort of making peace with the flow of events is a fine line to walk. In twelve-step programs around the globe, people learn and live a mantra: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

All three are tall orders for most of us, but the third should really be the first, as it is a critical coping skill to know when we have the power (and the right to that power) over a situation and when we don't. We cannot expect to change the way another person FEELS or ACTS. We can only affect our own emotions and behaviors. We can control how we REACT to another's feelings or actions, but the source of those is beyond our reasonable realm of control.

So to become angry when another person misbehaves (by our subjective standards, mind you) or acts selfishly is natural, but to expect that our anger will or should alter their feelings &/or behavior is unrealistic and dangerous. In the normal processing of that emotion, I would suggest that the goal is a process of rationalization (Cool thing? Rational.) that tells us, "That's the way life goes. I have no control here. I did the best I could," and that the anger is dissipated quickly before it inspires damaging thoughts or behaviors on our part. Anger is natural, but should be temporary and is dangerous if it fuels short-term outbursts or long-term bitterness. Both are toxic.

So how do you get to that level of compassion and understanding of such frustrating circumstances? Well, through compassion, empathy and insight. By stepping out of and away from our own life---and into and toward the lives of those we love.

I have heard it said that it is when we least deserve love that we need it the most. A hard concept to embrace sometimes, but certainly truer words were never spoken. Love is rarely deserved. But if we only gave love to those who deserve it, the world would shrivel up and die. So where do we draw our boundaries? How do we extend unconditional love without losing sight of our own needs and our self-respect?

Foremost, we have to learn and remember the difference between LOVE and TRUST. Simply loving a person doesn't mean you can live with them or their behavior. Love doesn't pay the bills, doesn't raise the children, doesn't get the chores done.

I suggest that LOVE is and should be unconditional. TRUST however, is and should be hard-earned. Respect is a by-product of both and should be extended at all times, but is "adjustable" and can easily be diminished to mere civility with constant abuse.

This clarity harkens back to my idea that being "in love" is really a combination of four key emotional elements: love, trust, respect and attraction. Without physical attraction, we have the three components necessary for fulfilling relationships with family, friends, colleagues, etc. So those three elements are critical to EVERY whole, sustaining, successful relationship we have.

Whether your children, co-workers, neighbors or lover, we have to react to people's behavior toward us in the proper realm (love, trust, respect) for our reaction to be healthy and effective. Ultimately, we may not get our wish in terms of the reciprocation (love, trust, respect) we desire, but at least we can achieve the maximum level of peace, content, and love, if not with each other then at the very least with ourselves. And it's important to remember that just because a person can't or won't respect or trust us, doesn't mean that they don't love us. Even if they can't say it themselves.

Forgiveness, I believe is more an expression of love than trust. Unconditional like love, it is that letting go to which I've been referring. But that doesn't mean letting painful patterns repeat, it doesn't mean condoning or accepting negative, hurtful behavior. In fact, I truly believe that the free flow of love and forgiveness has a much more healing effect on broken relationships than anger, shame or guilt, and for both (or all) parties involved.

No one I know has ever been shamed into compliance in a relationship on any permanent or fundamental level. It just builds more and more layers of negativity on top of the real problem and the solution becomes more and more elusive.

So really, it's all about choices again. To be or not to be? Angry. Loving. Forgiving. Which serves our better interest? Which has the better aftertaste? And which is more likely to solve the problem against which we are struggling? And what solution do we really seek, anyway?

Next time: Compatibility vs. compromise. How much is too much? And what if they are still not enough?

Much love,
Sophie
Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously(at) gmail.com