Dear Ones,

I can't have just one motto. Life is too complex for just one. But my primary one, my most serious motto is powerful in its simplicity:

No expectations.

One way to interpret that, I s'pose, would be to assume that I have no goals, no aspirations. But I do have goals and aspirations (God bless the English language in all its conciseness), they're just a lot more flexible and scalable than expectations. I think the greatest danger of expectations is their inherent rigidity and lack of logical development. The word itself seems to imply a certain air of fixed entitlement. Expectations can manifest almost instantly, out of thin air, or on the basis of skewed interpretation of circumstantial criteria so ingrained that it seems part of the cycle of nature that everything fit a certain mold (variation being perhaps the strongest force in nature). By overly-simplified example, the expectation that going to college will automatically yield a particular career path or economic status in one's life. Or that marriage automatically means 2.5 kids, a white picket fence and a mortgage in a certain kind of neighborhood. The sense of entitlement is probably subconscious, but still --- thinking that these circumstances will --- or should --- manifest just by virtue of certain atmospheric conditions being in alignment is dangerous. Once that thought pattern is set, it becomes pervasive and affects all facets of life. Often we acquire our expectations by viewing, rather superficially, the lives of others. We compare and contrast our circumstances with others', never a good idea. We assume that what comes naturally for others should come naturally for us. We expect others to look and feel and perform and respond in accordance with our own appearance, feelings, performance and responses. Or vice versa. Ahhhh, relationships. They suffer the greatest under the burden of expectations.

Whether in our relationship with ourselves, our families, our beloveds, or the world at large --- expectations kill. Positive expectations almost inevitably lead to some level of disappointment ("Is this all?", "This looked so easy!", "What's wrong with him?") and negative expectations become strangely prophetic and self-fulfilling. We lug them around like anchors around our necks, though, because if we set them down --- we might just float away.

By that I mean, anything could happen! We use expectations to anchor us beyond gravity to worn paths we have memorized. Our expectations become our mantras and we blind ourselves to any other possibilities in our lives. We throw away beautiful relationships, we pour the ingredients for our eternal bliss down the sink and we hide under the bed from the ghosts we're sure are there to rob us in our sleep.

It's a form of chaos that I think we fear. I believe that our universe is ordered on chaos, on random mathematics that on a day to day level seem disjointed and frightening, but on a more eternal scale make complete sense, if we can just get high up in the air enough to see the whole thing at once. But getting up that high into the air can be terrifying. To anyone.

It's hard to be afraid. It's hard to give up the sanity and the predictability of expectations (even if the predictability is in our disappointment of those unfulfilled). But once we leave that worn path of familiar uphills and downhills, once we creep off into the unknown, let go of maps and compasses and scales of measures, incomes and outcomes and laundry lists of grievances; drop the reins, change our minds, open our hearts to what and who we don't understand; burn the script, put the guidebook away that tells us where to go and how to see it with our own two eyes and one heart and soul; sacrifice the ending, tear the back page out of the book completely and throw it right into the fire; throw kisses and hugs around like money and open the Pandora's box of forgiveness, acceptance & compassion; once we embrace the Unknowable, the Unbelievable and the Undefinable --- we are truly living. Down deep. And happiness is inevitable.

Love,
Sophie

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sophie (at) freakinasheville.com