Dear Sophie,

I've been living with this guy as a platonic roommate for several months. Thing is, I've developed a huge crush on him. When he moved in, he had a girlfriend but they broke up just a few weeks after the move.

Since then, he hasn't dated any other women. We're such good friends, I don't know whether I want to risk the loss of a great roommate if I make a move and things don't work out. But living so closely, it's hard to keep my heart so closed to what I think could be great if he is interested. What should I do?

Girl Friend

Dear Girl Friend,

It's tough. Very tough to know, to guess how he would react if you made your true feelings known. It's a gamble and I think you have to approach it as one. That means, explore the potential outcomes for all possible scenarios and decide which might be easier to live with. If you do move and he's not interested, you risk losing a roommate and friendship. If you don't move, you risk losing the love of your life (potentially) and all the regret that might follow you for years, maybe always.

Realizing that there are potential losses and potential gains in all scenarios is important to the process of making this decision. Write them out on a sheet of paper if necessary, but think out every possibility, however outlandish it might seem.

What if he fell on one knee, for instance, and told you that it was his dream too? What if knowing him as a lover is less fulfilling than you anticipated and he becomes infatuated beyond your comfort level? What if he tells you that he's in love and wants you to help him fulfill sexual fantasies that are not your cup of tea? Have you met his family? What potential dealbreakers lurk in his health history, his financial management, or even criminal past? What if he declines your invitation for romance and then starts dating other women? How will you react to their presence in his life and your home? Be prepared for anything.

So if you do decide to make this move, then, how to go about it? You have to follow your instincts on him. Is he shy? Straightforward? Will he 'get' the subtleties of flirtation? Or does he need to be told outright?

If you opt for direct confrontation, sometimes it's helpful to ask if you can sit in the dark together to talk. You have the intimacy of proximity, but the anonymity of complete darkness so that you both have the privacy of facial reactions to what you talk about. It's very effective in helping some folks let down their guard a little.

While you talk, listen. Pause dramatically and allow for whispered responses. Be open and accepting of honesty, no matter how much it may hurt. Forgive him instantly if he does not fulfill your fantasy, and thank him for his candor. Reassure him that nothing has to change, or quietly let him know that you can't handle the proximity without some resolution to your feelings. Whatever you do, be honest and if necessary, let this guy off the hook for being who he is.

But most importantly, no matter the outcome, let yourself off the hook for being who you are.

Love is never wasted, even when unrequited. So many people walk numbly through their lives gauging the flow of love according to the anticipated response they'll get from those they encounter. Me, I'd rather take the sting of letting my feelings be known in a futile situation --- and giving that person the lifelong pleasure of knowing that they were loved regardless --- than to walk away from someone not having expressed it, my ego intact.

Your expression need not be confrontational. Affection is limitless when you truly care about a person. It can take the form of unconditional acceptance, gestures or tokens of affection, even the extension of a little extra time and space when needed. As trite as it sounds, if it was meant to be, it will happen.

Love,
Sophie

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