Hey Sophie,

Here's my problem. I met a great lady a couple of months ago and she seems to really love me and my 2 kids. They live with me half the time and their mom half the time. We all get along great as long as no one mentions my ex-wife's name in front of her. If one of the kids talks about their mom, or even mentions her in conversation, my girlfriend gets quiet and leaves the room, or if we're out, withdraws from the situation. It's very obvious. She has told me she doesn't want any things I had shared with my ex-wife around in my house too, even if I keep them put up. She says that it's disrespectful to her to have to hear my ex-wife's name or see traces of her in my life, but I don't see it. What do you think?

---Where to From Here?

Hey Where to?

I think you have a problem on your hands. And it's the new girlfriend. Her problem with your ex-wife, however, is not your problem, it's hers.

It doesn't matter how well you get along with her otherwise, her insecurity regarding your ex-wife is alarming, especially with kids involved. It's one thing to feel the pang of jealousy, quite another to act on it so blatantly. (We can't choose what we feel, but we can choose how we behave in reaction to those feelings.) Children should never be made to feel torn between adults. If they can't even mention their mom's name in your girlfriend's presence, that will start eroding their relationship with you, as well.

A mature adult (male or female) who cannot handle the mention of your ex's name or seeing any traces of her around is not a well-balanced adult. Your kids need to know that the adults are all at peace with one another in order for them to feel balanced and happy, especially since they share their time equally between the two homes.

I would recommend limiting your exposure to this woman to times when your kids are not around until and unless she finds a way to deal with her insecurities (a professional would be a good place to start). Her feelings of insecurity are normal on a smaller level, but her level of acting out is immature and inappropriate. Her behavior is very controlling and I would take that as a sign of other forms of control that will manifest over time. Even if the kids are not in contact with it, though, it will eventually start taking its toll on you as well.

There is one caveat: If the children (or you) are saying things like, "Mom makes better popcorn than you do" or "I wish Mom were here so we could have some real fun," then you need to have a talk with the kids (or check yourself). If however, the conversation is more like, "Hey Dad! Guess what! We went to the beach with Mom and look at all the seashells we found!" then I stick with my previous assessment and advice.

As a parent, you simply don't have the option of letting your kids absorb the negativity of the problems of the adults in their lives. It might mean limiting or even losing this relationship, but a good woman will accept you and your kids wholly. It's okay if she pulls you aside later and says, "Gee, that was hard. I struggle whenever her name is mentioned." But quite another when she behaves in the way you describe. Anything or anyone important to you or your kids should not have to be censored from existence when the girlfriend is around.

Love,
Sophie

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