A couple of weeks ago, I invited health tips from readers:

Hey Sophieee!

I have a health tip. A good sex life. That is, a SAFE and good sex life.

Keeps me nimble.

Jack B. Quick

Dear Sophie,

My family is totally dysfunctional. Some of us siblings haven't been in touch in years, not because we're fighting or anything, just because we don't have much to say to each other.

I have been sending birthday cards and Christmas cards to everyone hoping to get some communication kick-started but I'm getting no responses. If I call them, they'll talk to me fine but no one ever seeks out contact but me.

Am I crazy? Should I stop torturing myself?

Alone in a Crowd

Dear Alone,

There is a fine line, indeed my friend, between giving enough of oneself (which is never enough) and giving too much of oneself (which is also never enough). The line is drawn by you and you alone and you decide whether to dance on it, leap over it or step carefully to the side, never technically violating its boundary.

Definitely, never give away what you can't live without. But how much could you live without for the satisfaction of knowing that you had tried everything you could, you had made every invitation? Isn't there a strange comfort in the futility of it? The ball is no longer in your court and you can relax, sigh deeply and know that for the time being, life with this family will be somewhat predictable.

So I think ... are you torturing yourself really or just sort of? Weigh out the benefit to the cost. And consider the benefit of good karma, of arriving at the end of your life with less bitterness, with memories of mercy and forgiveness and grace ... temper your frustration with compassion for the pain they must bear in such isolation.

You do need recognition of your work, and if they're not able to fulfill the task, you'll have to do it for yourself. Thank yourself for being what thread of possibility this family has and be patient. It may never happen.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to:
sophieseriously (at) gmail.com

Dear Sophie,

I lead a very busy but unfortunately somewhat lonely life. I've just recovered from a somewhat nasty breakup and the hole left by my former boyfriend is rather gaping. Even though the relationship had deteriorated over time, I find myself missing the companionship I had for going out for dinner and having a date for social events.

I've considered online dating, but I'm not sure where to start or if it's even a good idea.

What do you think?

Lost in a Sea of People

Dearest Lost,

I am a big advocate of using whatever tools are available to you to meet people. I would recommend giving personals sites a try with one caveat: no expectations.

That's not to say that you shouldn't be realistic about compatibility issues, of course, but approach the process without expectations of who you will meet and how much they will be able to offer you. Online dating is a great way to meet people who have common interests and goals, but you must keep in mind that the people behind those profiles are the same pool of candidates you meet in the grocery store, at bars, in libraries and at street festivals. Online sites are simply a way of expediting the process of meeting and getting to know potential suitors and friends. They also offer a much wider pool of candidates since you will come in contact with people you will have never had the opportunity to know otherwise.

Rule #1 should be to always be honest yourself and to expect the same in return. If you post photos of yourself, make sure that they're recent. When viewing the photos of others, be aware that they may or may not be recent photos themselves. Don't embellish the details in your profile, simply be yourself and seek others who are likewise up-front with their profiles.

Some want to move very quickly, offering phone numbers and arranging face-to-face meetings almost immediately and others may feel more comfortable giving the process a lot more time and development. Some hide important details like marital status but others may have difficulty with trust issues and simply need the process to feel comfortable in getting to know and trust you well enough before meeting.

Sometimes there's a tendency for such connections to be very transient. Some people make good solid connections very quickly but for others it could take months or years to find who they seek in a connection. Because of the relative anonymity of participants, they often feel less hesitation to simply dispose of connections and move on. Trust your instincts when you see "red flags" but don't jump to conclusions without thorough investigation.

For instance, many women automatically shy away from men who live with their parents. But if the parents are ailing, for instance, that could be a good sign of a man's devotion to family and willingness to put personal needs aside to care for family members.

In terms of safety, there are some well-known rules like withholding identity information until you have met and feel safe. A first meeting (perhaps even the first several meetings) should always take place in a neutral and public place, sometimes with "backup" like a friend in the background or a planned phone call to check in and make sure everything is going well. Most of the personals sites online will be able to offer you guidance.

A few of the more popular and reputable sites offer advice and built-in systems for reporting abuse. But these don't substitute for good common sense and trusting one's own instincts when it comes to individual connections made.

Where to start? Match.com and Yahoo.com both have a good reputation for bringing folks together on a local basis. SpringStreet networks provide a common database to sites like Salon.com and Onion.com but the perception of participants can vary depending on which site they joined through. You can search for people based on geography and a variety of criteria like physical attributes, income levels, parental/marital status, political/religious views, etc. but keep in mind that information in profiles are generally not verified. You must bear that responsibility for yourself and your own safety.

I recommend that you determine the "real name" of an individual before allowing much access to your personal life. You can check sex offender registries and criminal backgrounds online, with varying degrees of accuracy. Run a Google.com search on the person to see what comes up and make sure that you have some degree of personal knowledge of their professional identity before giving them information that they could use to find you should you decide to move on.

You can use this opportunity to expand your horizons on who you think you are seeking. I have heard many stories of successful connections from people who said that their first impressions were less rosy but they gave a person more time and patience and later discovered an unexpected level of compatibility.

It's very important to remember that if you are "rejected" by a person (or number of people) that it's not a reflection of your attractiveness to the right man for you. It's a process. While one man might not be interested in giving you the time of day, another will feel thrilled to have the privilege of your time and attention. It's simply a process of exploration, and you can learn a lot about men and about yourself if you approach it with a sense of adventure and fun, not taking it all too seriously.

I would bet that you will acquire a number of really good friendships even if you don't find "Mr. Wonderful" if you give yourself the leeway to experiment and explore without heavy expectations of yourself or your suitors.

And just because you use online dating sites doesn't preclude the potential of meeting someone "the old fashioned way"---keep your options open and approach all potential relationships with honest communication, and eventually you will meet someone with whom you want to explore life.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously (at) gmail.com