Dear Sophie,

My family is totally dysfunctional. Some of us siblings haven't been in touch in years, not because we're fighting or anything, just because we don't have much to say to each other.

I have been sending birthday cards and Christmas cards to everyone hoping to get some communication kick-started but I'm getting no responses. If I call them, they'll talk to me fine but no one ever seeks out contact but me.

Am I crazy? Should I stop torturing myself?

Alone in a Crowd

Dear Alone,

There is a fine line, indeed my friend, between giving enough of oneself (which is never enough) and giving too much of oneself (which is also never enough). The line is drawn by you and you alone and you decide whether to dance on it, leap over it or step carefully to the side, never technically violating its boundary.

Definitely, never give away what you can't live without. But how much could you live without for the satisfaction of knowing that you had tried everything you could, you had made every invitation? Isn't there a strange comfort in the futility of it? The ball is no longer in your court and you can relax, sigh deeply and know that for the time being, life with this family will be somewhat predictable.

So I think ... are you torturing yourself really or just sort of? Weigh out the benefit to the cost. And consider the benefit of good karma, of arriving at the end of your life with less bitterness, with memories of mercy and forgiveness and grace ... temper your frustration with compassion for the pain they must bear in such isolation.

You do need recognition of your work, and if they're not able to fulfill the task, you'll have to do it for yourself. Thank yourself for being what thread of possibility this family has and be patient. It may never happen.

Love,
Sophie

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