Sophie, my entire life, i have encountered extreme cruelty, prejudice, and denial of relationships with 97% of American women in general, and with ones that i have shown romantic interest in. Even after becoming a married man 13 years ago, i seem to not get the benefit of the doubt that other men seem to get, i experience this when i am in line at the bank for instance, when i wish to cash my paycheck, i get harranged for extra peices of ID that i don't have, and i notice other men in line don't get the same thing done to them, and they have accounts else were, as i do, i know this, as many of them have been my coworkers, in the workplace, i have experienced discrimination from co working females, in the way i am perceived and talked to, often being held to higher standards, and many times, the females i work with, have convinced the other males in the workplace to harras me, me finding this out later, i have never seen another male get this kind of treatment, not in the frequency, and magnitude in witch it seems to happen to me, i really don't believe I'm causing it, there is no mystical problem with my personality, i am kind, very reasonably attractive, a hard worker, and a team player. my wife has noticed the same thing, and it baffles us both. in my everyday life, it has caused me to struggle with depression,,, always think 80% of the women i run into, have an ulterior motive where I'm concerned, and possibly don't always tell the truth about me to other people. in recent years, i have learned to be very silent around women, this has helped at least keep the peace, but it doesn't always work, i have also trained myself to judge each person differently, and always give every new female that comes in to my life a chance to work positively with me, what can i do to change this obvious dilemma? it seems to mainly be American women i have this problem with, i get along great with Hispanic women, i just want to know if there are steps i can take to stop this, i decided a long time ago, that I'm not going to go out of my way to prove I'm a good person, i will only be myself, and i know I'm a decent individual, many i feel should recognize this, and give me the same benefit of the doubt, that they are giving to others.

bewildered by bias



Dearest Bewildered,

My response to you is somewhat complex because I have to speculate a lot, having no idea what you look like or what your sense of presence might be. My first inclination is to wonder if your perceptions of other's reactions to you might be being colored by your own sense of self, and whether there might be some obvious aspect of your physicality that stands out to others but not to you. Let's assume that you are of average appearance and that physicality must have some impact on initial reaction (what else do others have to go on?) of others.

I should ask: Is it only women? Never men? What about gay men? Does sexual tension play into the equation? (It sounds like it does.) You mention that Latino women don't seem affected. Do you have similar (read: familiar) features to them? Could you be sensing a racial or ethnic discomfort? Do you dress in bright flowered velvet clothing? Do you whistle through your nose when you breath? You can imagine that the list goes on. Yes, your wife is comfortable with your physicality and apparently equally mystified. What about at first? Was it love at first sight or did she need time to gain trust for you?

So many questions, Bewildered. I think I might need more information if I am to seriously address your problem with any level of credibility or hopes for usefulness.

Remember too that our perception of ourselves is often much harsher than others perception of us. We tend to magnify our traits that we find least desirable and that others might not even notice. Have you gotten feedback from anyone more neutral than your wife?

I hope that at the very least my response has given you some issues to examine, research within your experience and to evaluate for alternative perspectives. I'm betting that you're a very special man among most.

Thanks so much for writing!

Love,
Sophie

This blog can now be accessed through SophieSeriously.com. You may now address your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophie@sophieseriously.com. Thanks for stopping in!