Hey Sophie,

I'm just not sure what to do.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world and am married to the most wonderful man I've ever met. In some ways, I can't believe I'm so lucky. Hee 's kind, honest, funny, smart and accomplished. He genuinely cares about my family and he's fiscally responsible and all that good stuff. But of course, there's always something. Right?

The issue at hand is that he's pretty boring in bed. He's even well-endowed but seems clueless about what to do with it. This isn't a matter of our being together so long that we're bored, he's just never opened himself up to the possibilities of erotic stimulation. I'm not even sure if he has fantasies or not. We've been married 3 years and he can't bring himself to even talk about sex with me.

I knew this was the case all along, of course, but I thought that because I had a somewhat adventurous sex life before we met, that I could satisfy myself with less spice in exchange for all the other good things I found in him. I have read your column and know that you don't condemn erotica, but enjoying it by myself is getting pretty boring.

Now I find my mind wandering and taking care of my own needs just isn't getting it anymore. I'm afraid that I might be slipping down the road toward having an affair. But I'm still madly in love with this man and I don't want to lose him. Now I know what all those people mean when they say, "it was just the sex!"

So .......... any advice?

Horny in Hendersonville

Dear HiH,

Oh, yes, this is quite the dilemma. And it's one of those situations that is so hard to evaluate because we are a people (as humans) who love to place blame. Usually, our attempts at problem-solving are to identify a villain, point the finger and punish into submission. What's ironic is that there is very rarely actually someone who is blatantly at fault in a situation.

And so the best approach is to consider (and even go so far as to LIST) your options and their possible ramifications in your life. Let's start there. As far as I can think, you have these potential options, among others possible:

1) You can leave this man. Benefits: your integrity intact. Drawbacks: You lose quite possibly the love-of-your-life for experiences that may actually seem shallow without him. The great sex you enjoyed before you met him were BEFORE you met him. It's possible that you won't be able to recreate the passion and zest because your options for partners have changed and your mind and heart were dramatically changed by your knowing this man existed.

2) You can stay with this man and remain faithful. Benefits: your integrity intact. You get to remain married to a man with whom you are deeply in love. Drawbacks: Your sex life gets boring, OR you have to work very hard and risk a lot emotionally to assert your needs with this man. That is perhaps the fear that is right now guiding your heart to the greater extent than the interest in wilder sex. It's possible that in addition to having a legitimate need for sexual satisfaction, you are somehow eliminating him as a potential source of that satisfaction because you have an emotional fear of the battering you could take emotionally in the process of communicating this need to him and pursuing it as a couple. There is certainly the possibility that he will find your interest distasteful, or that his own insecurities inspire him to use condemnation as a form of denial in his own struggles. This stuff is layers deep, after all. The issue obviously represents more to both of you than the simple physical act of sharing, and if you do decide to stay and remain faithful, your options are narrowed to two. Do something about it or do nothing about it. Both are scary, I would say.

3) You can stay with this man and secretly have other partners. Benefits: Having your cake and eating it too. Drawbacks: Might not last long. It would be like taking hard drugs. You'd have this incredible short-term high but the situation would eventually implode because the nature of life is change. You will get caught, your sex buddy will caught, he will lose interest, you will lose interest, you will get sick, other circumstances will interfere at some point and the possible ramifications of those possible changes are too numerous to list. You would have to know that realistically, you can get by with a double life for a limited (if extended) period of time. The insecurity of not knowing when it will blow, or the entanglement of managing the secrecy would be stressful and exhausting to most.

4) You can stay with this man and openly have other partners. Benefits: Having your cake and eating it too. Drawbacks: You have to take huge emotional risks in how your husband might react to your interest in other partners. Would this activity include him? Not include him? Is he amenable to even discussing it? Will he lose interest in marriage to you? Will he call you a slut? Will he think you're crazy? Will he try to get you "help" and think you are broken and need to be fixed just because you have the need for engaging sex? Again, those are huge risks. And it comes down to priorities.

Do you want emotional safety or do you want emotional fulfillment (and sex is as much about emotional fulfillment as physical, even in the most primal of interactions)? Do you want a rush, or do you want the reassurance and pride associated with personal integrity and a sense of loyalty to your life partner?

In some ways, it's very complicated and in some ways it's also very simple. My advice? I would stay home with my husband, and I would find the courage and resources to take the huge emotional risk of trying to incorporate him into my sexual life. It may be that he doesn't feel welcome there yet. It may be that he has issues of his own and he has a fear of being welcome there. Lots of pressure, especially if he doesn't have as textured a sexual history as you seem to have. You may be subtly avoiding the invitation for the need to protect the nature of your relationship with him, which sounds enviable.

The safest environment for this endeavor of mutual honesty and exploration is with a professional therapist whose values you share. I personally think that it's virtually impossible for a therapist to be totally objective, even when they don't render advice. Finding an appropriate guide for the process will involve doing some homework, both in terms of the professional integrity (checking license history) as well as getting personal references or at least having preliminary talks about values and goals before investing too much of your heart and money into someone. Finding a therapist who specializes in sex therapy could be helpful, but is not necessary if you "click" with someone who is more of a generalist. Because sex is so often considered a moral issue, I think it's entirely fair for you to ask a potential therapist about their religious convictions. If they are not willing to talk about themselves and their personal perspective (without details, just to give you an idea of their base perspective), then I would personally avoid hiring that person for this mission.

If you have the confidence in your ability to self-manage the process, it could be perceived as less threatening and less risky to your husband. These matters are extremely delicate and its possible that he has not even processed these issues internally. Proceed with caution.

It's true that there are risks no matter which option you choose. I would personally rather risk my own emotional capital than risk someone else's. Then at least if there is a loss, if there is a calamity that knocks us down, I know that I can recover. I know that. There is no doubt in my mind that I will always recover, because the things that can't be repaired (like integrity) are always still intact. Whatever you do, be guided by love and by integrity. That's always the least risky choice of all, in the long run.

I'd love to hear how this turns out. Please consider writing again.

Love,
Sophie