People are ALWAYS wondering, "Where did the love go?"

Long-term relationships seem inevitably doomed to either hostile aggression and/or seething or civil tolerance. What happens to the passion? The sexual energy? The warm and fuzzy butterflies? Are they all gone forever? It depends.

It depends on the amount of damage done by the time you come to your senses, and on circumstantial interference like "other women" and "other men" as well as the pursuit of healing, professional development, spiritual enlightenment, etc.

But even in the seemingly most dire of circumstances, it's not totally unfeasible that you could turn it around IF you were both really, reeeeeally wanting it and if you both have the capacity for real forgiveness. Because that's the first step. Forgiveness. You have to BOTH forgive and "forget".... which doesn't mean that you necessarily lose the memory or even the pain of it, but more specifically that you NEVER bring it up again, unless the Offender wants to do extra penance and brings it up themselves, and certainly never negotiate with it, either explicitly or implicitly.

Whether the issues are large or small, you have to be willing to let them go. Turn off the microscope; stop chip, chip, chipping away at your mate with your nitpicking (literally, like picking nits, we obsess ourselves with the preening and cultivation of someone ELSE's life. So much less scary than really dealing with our own).

The other step is that you realize the importance of "slack" and you learn to actively cultivate it rather than wait passively for it to manifest. It won't. It won't come naturally at this point. You're probably not going to just spontaneously combust into flames of passion for someone you believe to be in need of major repairs. Stop blaming this person for the imperfections in your life; let go of the idea that this person reflects YOU! It doesn't matter if he wears plaids with stripes, it doesn't matter if her skirt is shorter than you think appropriate. It just doesn't matter. Imagine a life with the absence of criticism and correction. You would be amazed at the impact it has.

You have to learn to loosen the leash you have each other on ... keep your mouth closed the next time you want to say, "But of course YOU can't find it!" or "Do you really think you need a third drink?" or "That is NOT how that's pronounced!" See how many times you can bite your tongue and if you really want to add icing to the cake, celebrate each of those Moments of Grace with a compliment or a kindness extended to the person with whom you are attempting reparations.

The power of unconditional love and unconditional acceptance is no less than phenomenal. That's why early relationships are so spectacular. At THAT point, we are perfect, in the eyes of our Beloved and therefore, our own eyes. Only a rare few remember the value of mutual idol worship on the daily lives as well as the libido.

And, hey, I'm not talking about serious abuses of trust here. I hope it goes without saying that emotional or physical abuse, infidelity and intentional dishonesty all constitute an entirely different set of circumstances.

I'm talking about the majority of relationships which simply "drift apart" over time and leave both scratching their heads and wondering what went wrong. I'm talking about those dealing with the cumulative effect of years of tiny infractions, veiled hostility, profound disappointment, feelings of rejection and emotional abandonment. If you can forgive, if you can bite your tongue, if you can extend yourself lovingly without expectation of outcome, without bargaining or trying to claim credits ... you can do it. You can repair even the most damaged or distant of relationships.

You are, after all, not strangers. It's your intimacy that brought you here, to this place of great emotional distance and inseparable misery. It's your intimacy, your Love like the love you give when you are your best, that will pull you out when you are at your worst. Just LET GO of those heavy, greasy feelings of resentment and practice, practice, practice letting it GO.

Someone once said, don't know who, something like, 'It's when we deserve love the least that we need it the most.' The ideas with which we "practice" in our daily lives are indeed practice. That term implies the lack of perfected skill and the need for constant forgiveness and fortitude. For those who attain happiness, it is Love that we practice in our daily lives at every moment. And Love certainly is contingent upon constant and unrelenting forgiveness. And if we can forgive each other, it is all the easier to forgive ourselves. And that's important because I think most times, that's who we're really so angry with anyway.

Love,
Sophie