Oh {Sophie} ...

As one of your older readers, I am amazed by this thing call "THE WEB". I began my cautious first steps when a son was sent over the ocean to begin his payback for the ARMY sending him to Penn State. Being the wise and wondrous parent I saw the phone as being too expensive so I wandered to the hated mall and bought myself a brand new iMac ... yippie?? More questions than answers attacked my simple "sixtiez" mind and so began my adventure.

I am putting to you a question for all to read and ponder....if I answer an ad in a personals site and then begin a LONG, LONG writing contact with said person, does that make me some kind of stalker? I am truly in "friend" with this mountain girl and look forward to her notes on her days. I hold her as one of my very own heroes for the life she is forging and the child she is raising.

SO... what shall I do now that I have become so used to a face on my screen?

sign me as "old Dude"
Peace
{Old Dude}

Dear Old Dude,

I'm so sorry for the delay in answering. Life is chaotic sometimes!

The Web is certainly an amazing phenomenon. It has affected every aspect of our lives. I applaud your being the kind of "old dude" who embraces change and growing. The Web offers so many opportunities for strengthening ourselves, fortifying ourselves, connecting ourselves. You even answered an ad! That's brave!

It sounds like you made an amazing connection as well. When you say you made a long, long connection, how long do you mean? For some people six months is a long time. But if the time lapse was something like six years ... that's an entirely different story and quite significant. Whatever connection had sustained itself a long time (and especially if it had ever lapsed and somehow reconnected itself at some point) is a connection with integrity, sincerity, depth. It sounds real. What are you going to do about it?

I'm guessing that's where you're stuck. Hard to suggest an approach knowing so little about the situation. What are your motivations? Do you want to simply come face-to-face with one of your best friends or do you want to explore the possibilities for more? Even though you can't predict the outcome of any path you choose, you should have some idea of what you want your next step to be, I think. You only have to worry about the next step though ... don't even try to predict where it will go or where it will end up. If you worry about those issues now, you will either put undue pressure on the situation for both of you or end up talking yourself out of taking any steps at all. Maybe what you ultimately decide is that you like things the way they are. The one longer term consideration you must make is to decide, Would you be able to return to that?

Once you decide what you want for the next day to bring, you have only one logical choice: you have to ask for it. Do you want to sustain the current scenario or do you want to change it? How? If you're not sure, have you conveyed your confusion to the stalkee? Your Mountain Girl may be wondering herself. Are you still exclusively online or have you ever spoken on the phone before? Has she ever offered you her phone number? Have you ever offered yours?

Whatever you decide, you do need to be prepared for either of two eventualities. Either you say nothing and may wonder someday/s if you made the right decision---or you take a step closer in whatever way makes sense to the both of you and you face the possibility that she changes in your heart and mind's eye (and you in hers). If she has been just a face on the screen in physical terms, you don't know yet what chemistry there may be. If you speak to each other, her voice will not be the exact voice you have always imagined. If you meet, even recent photos will not have prepared you for the reality of each other. It will feel as if a stranger is standing before you daring to impersonate the girl you feel you know so well. Your mind will be telling you how silly you're being, "That IS him!" but your heart will be suspicious and judgmental and needs convincing. It will take a transition period for you to understand this and to connect the two persons into one in both your mind and heart. If you are both patient and willing to let the reality of each other replace the fantasy of each other, you will be connected forever, in whatever context (platonically, romantically, fraternally) you ultimately find mutually agreeable.

In the printing and graphic arts industry, there is a phenomenon known as interpolation. It's a software solution to a hardware incapability that basically tries to draw a whole, sharp picture by guessing at the missing information based on the data present contingent to it. So where our brain tries, like this software, to create "whole pictures" with only pieces and parts of the whole picture, we tend to guess or "fill in the blanks" so that our brains can accept the concept of a person being whole, therefore real. In guessing, we sometimes make someone out to be "better" (meaning, closer to our preferences) or "worse" (not able to live up) in some or many ways depending on our outlook. Whether for the good or the bad, the better or the worse, you will both be DIFFERENT to each other than you have imagined all this time. It's not even necessarily a qualitative issue, but simply a matter of being DIFFERENT. Our brains don't like sudden change much, and they will resist the reprogramming of this information at the beginning. If you don't allow yourselves that process, you may end up cheating yourselves out of a meaningful lifelong friendship or even the love of your life. Maybe even something in between that cannot be predicted. The only piece you can definitely predict is the unpredictability.

Are you asking if this would be a good idea? You know me. I always say "take the risk, walk the plank, take the leap" ... what else is living but loving?

Love much,
Sophie