Hey Sophie,

I'm really confused.

I've been dating this guy for almost 2 years and I think I really love him. But
he lies all the time and I don't know if I can trust him. And now he's talking
about wanting to move into together and someday get married. He says he only
lied to me to spare my feelings and avoid fights. I can't imagine life without
him, but I haven't been able to trust him. Maybe if we get closer, he'll want to
do right by me and stop his lying ways. What do you think?

---N.S.

Dear N.S.,

There are actually several layers of response I'd like to construct here. First, let's take the relationship as a whole.

It's always been difficult to know whether to go forward with a relationship or whether the warning signs should be heeded. After all, no relationship is perfect, right? Over time, I constructed a system to help me evaluate more objectively the potential for longevity of a relationship. Generally, there are four components to long-term success. Genuine love, attraction, trust and respect. You can feel any one or any combination of these elements in any given relationship. All four or none; simply trust and respect without love or attraction; or just the opposite.

But for me, all four must be present and all four must be mutual (that's really key) in order for me to consider a long-term commitment to a partner. While it's entirely possible for me to love and feel attraction to and even respect someone, if I don't trust them, I simply don't think in terms of a serious long-term commitment. And if I can't trust my partner, chances are, he's not respecting me with the truth. A ~lot~ of relationships fall into that scenario. Not trusting someone, though, does not negate the genuine love you may share nor diminish the intense attraction to the person. You can even still respect someone you don't trust (although that's generally a touchy relationship between trust and respect). But if any one of those elements is missing, it is cause for concern. I look at it as a compatibility issue, though, not as a means of judgement, nor a basis for making accusations of character flaws. It's simply compatibility. "This is me, what I need and how I operate. Whatever works for you is fine, I'm simply speaking for myself." That sort of thing.

Now, why do partners who claim to love us often find it necessary or desirable to lie to us? The answer can be very complex. I almost might be tempted to ask what the lies concern, but that really doesn't matter. If he's lying, he's lying. And unless he gets some type of professional assistance or goes through some life-altering spiritual metamorphosis, it's likely he'll continue lying as the pattern has already been set. When he says that he's doing so to protect you, I think that's a cop-out. It's true that we have a responsibility to set the stage for truthfulness by always reacting to the truth with appropriate behavior. If you lashed out when he tells the truth, in other words, it would be understandable, albeit not excusable, that he lies. But if your reaction to the truth scares or intimidates him, it is his job to bring that to your attention and seek a resolution, not to use that as an excuse to lie. There is no excuse for lying.

Finally, though, there is a big difference between honesty and disclosure. There are things you have the right to know and things that you do not have the right to know. If he is not telling you something you have no right to know, that is not lying. That is called maintaining privacy. If he avoids the privacy issue by giving you false information as a disclosure, it has just become a lie. But it is fully within anyone's rights in a healthy relationship to say to you, "I'm not ready to share that information. I don't want to lie to you, and I don't want to tell you the truth. You'll simply have to trust me and wait until I feel safe enough to tell you more." And then you make sure that you are creating an environment of safety and reassurance that lets him know that his decision to trust you with disclosures will not be a mistake.

To be clear, there is information we have the right to know, and that which we have no right to know. If he is keeping silent about something you have the right to know (as established by the ground rules of your particular relationship), that is a form of dishonesty in itself. If he is keeping silent about something you technically have no right to know (even though you really, really wish you knew), that is maintaining privacy and certainly within his (or your) rights.

I hope this helps at least set a framework for evaluating your feelings toward your partner and the relationship you share. Do remember, there are many reasons people lie. It's not always a malicious, selfish reason, sometimes it's purely fear and lack of experience in telling the truth. I find it hard to fault someone for weakness or fear, but I still have the clarity to say, "This cannot work for me. I love you and think you're a fine person, but this behavior is incompatible with my goals for our relationship." That really helps cut to the core of the issue (without judgement, condemnation, anger, rejection) and offers a much better chance for long-term resolution.

Best of luck! And feel free to post comments if I've gotten any of that wrong or you need more feedback.

Sophie
sophie (a.t) freakinasheville.com