Sophie, seriously ... I found out a few weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me. I asked him to move out. Now he's accusing me of breaking MY vow of marriage to him! I'm so confused. Does "for better or worse" give him a free get-out-of-jail card any time he decides he can't hold up his end of the bargain? Am I copping out? Please help me sort this out!

----Muddled

Well, Muddled. I look it at this way. A marriage vow is a mutual vow, meaning that it was made by both of you. I see that vow as resembling a beautiful glass vase. If your cheating husband decided to drop (or even throw) that vase to the floor by cheating on you, is your asking him to move out really breaking the vase? Or simply being unable or unwilling to glue it back together for him?

The decision, of course, is yours. Sometimes the pieces are large enough --- and all accounted for --- to make reconstruction of the beloved vase a viable option. But sometimes the damage is so great, or there are pieces missing so that even an honest attempt at repair just won't do it.

And of course, you have to wonder: Will the repaired vase still hold water? And what happens if it is broken again? I'd recommend having a contingency plan in the event that you opt for giving the vase another try.

If there are kids involved, the answer gets a lot more complicated.

In any case, I would recommend professional counseling to help you both sort through your goals for the marriage. It's hard to know, based on a highly emotionally charged reaction to the news of his betrayal, where your true feelings lie. But I feel comfortable saying that if he broke the vase, it's his job to figure out how to fix it to your satisfaction, whatever that may end up being. Don't use his mistake against him in unrelated issues, though, or you'll be furthering the damage to the point that perhaps no one can ever fix it. If you opt for forgiveness, you must truly forgive him and let it go without looking back. If you opt for separation, be clear with yourself and him about what went wrong and what your new goals are for your relationship.

Sophie

Send your questions, comments and insights to: sophie (at) freakinasheville.com