Dear Sophie,

How much of my personal past am I supposed to share with my new
boyfriend? Is it wrong to keep some things to myself?

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

First, you have to make a very important distinction between privacy and secrecy. If your partner has no right to the information you are withholding, that's called privacy. If your partner does have the right to know, that would be secrecy. There is sometimes a fine line between the two.

How do you know what you have the right to keep private? Simply refer to the ground rules the two of you have set regarding such things. If there have been no ground rules set, it's early yet and you get to decide. Rule of thumb: How would I feel if the same information were being withheld from me?

Now there's a big difference between really, really wanting to know and having the right to know. Your husband has the right to know if you have slept with someone else. He does not have the right to know some guy flirted with you at lunch, unless you have agreed between you to that level of disclosure. In order to gain the level of trust necessary for you to want to share the information, he has to react to that news with maturity, kindness and respect. It's a two-way street.

But regardless of how maturely or immaturely one partner reacts to the truth, there is never an excuse for lying. How much truth do you volunteer? That's a delicate balance each couple finds for itself, but you probably know in your heart of hearts what needs to be said and what needs to be saved for a later time. And it does take time.

If you're not sure, ask. And be very clear about trust --- it's not always a wish granted, but a level of intimacy that is cultivated over long periods of time during which people take tentative steps toward each other, unsure of the reaction they'll get as they step closer, into the light. Not everyone is ready for that level of scrutiny or intimacy, you can't take that personally. You simply wait in the shadows --- or you move on, depending on your own needs.

Key ingredient: time.

Love,
Sophie

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