Dear Sophie,

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months. It just wasn't working for me,
I didn't feel we were truly compatible. So how come it still hurts so much? Did
I make a mistake?

Torn in Two

Dear Torn in Two,

Only you can decide whether or not this break-up was a mistake, but I can lend you some insight that might help in making that determination.

First of all, long-term compatibility is SO rare, so unbelievably complicated, that I personally believe that if there's any doubt in your mind at all, it's probably not there yet. I have seen so many relationships fail when there was NO doubt whatsoever, that I can't help but think that doubts have a degree of validity, no matter how inconsequential they may seem to the overall scheme of things.

That's not to say that having any doubt should preclude letting a relationship develop and mature --- but for as long as there are doubts, there should be serious hesitance to making final and lifelong commitments.

So let's assume that you really didn't fit with this guy and you were aware enough to stop it before it went any further. Why does it still hurt?

Well, people are not package deals. We can be in love with aspects of a person while realizing that they don't fulfill all (or even most) of our needs, or us theirs. So maybe you miss part of this person. And that's okay. Normal, even.

Sometimes we idealize people or relationships to the point that they can't live up to our preconceived notions of them. Maybe the person you're having trouble letting go of is really someone who never fully existed. The practical side of you might have known that and was able to make the determination to reroute or end the relationship. But you're not a package deal either, and there might be a part of you who is still starry-eyed by the relationship or the boyfriend you really, really WANTED to have.

It's an important distinction to make, not just for the sake of recovering from a break-up, but also in determining whether a relationship (or termination of one) is healthy and appropriate for you. It would be a shame to continually end relationship after relationship because they could never live up to your ideal. But compromise can be tricky, since you don't want to end up complacently accepting a relationship that is not fulfilling to you. Where to draw the line?

Only you can know that. One good exercise could be looking 50 years into the future (even if you're 70 by now). Could this relationship withstand the passage of time? Is this love so enduring that it can weather crises and trauma; boredom and illness; time and distance? Is this person the type of mate who could (and would, lovingly) wipe your mouth, spoonfeed you, and hold you in the night for no particular reason? And could you do the same in return?

There are levels of compatibility more relevant than others. Licorice vs. chocolate matters much less than having or not having children. You have to decide on your own personal priorities and honor them, as well as those of the people you love.

You might be afraid of being alone, or the unknown of future relationships. But really, what could be scarier than dooming yourself to a lifetime of loneliness within the safe entrapment of a committed but hollow relationship? Sure, it's hard to let go of the fantasy of what it could have been, but some realities are better than others.

Just remember though, it's never too late to change your mind. True, he could have lost interest or moved on by the time you ever do, but that would be a sign in and of itself. As best you can, allowing yourself some wiggle room for confusion, follow your heart.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, problems, feedback, perspectives and prognoses to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com