Dear Sophie,

I am a single 35 year-old male, intelligent, attractive, open-minded, well-educated, and very social. No matter what I try, I can not find a date in this town. I am not some tool, fratboy with disrespect towards women, by the way.

I stay active in several arenas, enjoy great music, left-wing politics, travel, and food and wine. I'm even a cat/animal lover for God's sake! I have resorted to the online dating scene - but even that has not worked.

My friends say give it time but I believe in never giving up. Life is just not as fun unless you are sharing it with someone.

Any suggestions?

Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Yours is a classic situation that will require some dialogue to really do it right. In order to give you truly relevant guidance and insight here, I need to ask a few questions. Sure, I could rattle off a list of places to meet intelligent women and a Cosmo checklist of what we think they might be looking for, but that probably wouldn't be very helpful in the long run. Something tells me you're well enmeshed in the dilemma and your answers might need to be a bit more complex than that.

So first, we need to define your terms. What do you mean by "can not find a date" --- do you mean that you literally can't get a woman to accept an invitation from you? Or that you are in limbo waiting for invitations that are not forthcoming?

Do you mean that you have trouble sustaining contact after an initial date or two? Would you say that the lack of sustained interest is usually on your part or on the part of the woman?

How does that typically manifest --- does one of you simply disappear, or are there long, drawn-out periods of withdrawal and separation?

The answers to any one of the questions I have posed could lead us down very distinctly different paths with my response. If you don't mind sharing a bit more insight, please feel free to write me again with more details. If you include any information you'd like kept private, just make that clear and I'll honor your confidentiality.

In the meantime, let me say that I do agree with your friends that you must give yourself ample time to find --- and especially to develop --- meaningful relationships. That's not synonymous with giving up, though. Quite the contrary. Really digging in and being patient for the long haul is hard, and can be downright lonely and heart-wrenching. But it needn't be. There are ways that you can enjoy the journey --- the adventure --- as you go about your search for your Beloved. But first things first --- I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,
Sophie

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