Tonight I was watching Dr. Phil (with whom I have a love/hate thing going) and the subject was gold-diggers. I found it fascinating to watch these women who came on the show unabashedly touting their techniques for finding eligible men worth millions or billions of dollars. The host and the audience, of course, found a way to turn the tide on them and shame them for their priorities and behaviors (Why do people subject themselves to that level of scrutiny? That's another topic.) in front of a national audience.

Dr. Phil then introduced a wealthy young man who was complaining about how difficult it was to find true affection in such a materialistic dating environment. He explained that he had a test for how to determine if a woman was after him for his money or not. Whenever he gave her his credit card to "go and buy herself something nice" for the place he's taking her that night, he would watch and see whether or not she abused her access to his credit line.

No one questioned this young man about his motives for giving her the credit card in the first place. The audience brushed right over the flip side of the problem they were exploring, and that was when money is used to maintain power and control in a relationship not only willingly, but intentionally. Hopefully his intentions were good with the gesture, but sometimes, they can be condescending and controlling, even subconsciously.

I know several people who have been involved with others whose wealth would have staggered the imagination (as well as a few who had nothing; it's not a criteria). In some cases, what they have often found was the biggest obstacle to the relationship though, was the money itself.

Besides the obvious distractions that an obsession with wealth could provide from a romantic relationship --- in terms of schedules, availability, reliability --- there could be real issues of power and control at play. Some might find it necessary to graciously reciprocate gifts and dinner tabs, perhaps sometimes beyond their means, in order to hold their place in the hierarchy, and that reciprocation could potentially become a point of contention rather than being perceived as a gift of acknowledgement and sincerity.

One fellow was shocked that a woman would not consider relocation to his estate outside of the country, but instead invited him to her modest community. It was clear that besides the routine sacrifices that relocation would present the average person, she was asking him to step into relative anonymity. He couldn't conceptualize it.

Although she did not fault the wealth, she was not willing to defer power to it. On the other hand, there was a chick who dated a guy with no job, no money and no prospects. She was doing okay for herself, but struggling to keep it all afloat. But she wasn't threatened by his poverty because she could relate to the struggle and gave him credit for effort, for endurance. He was exceedingly kind and respectful to her and she to him. About the time he realized that she was herself struggling financially, he disappeared. Hmmmm ...

I do believe that folks from different economic backgrounds can find common and intimate ground upon which to base loving relationships. But the focal point of power must be a matter of shared intimacy in which both partners have equal stake. There are folks all along the income scale who are good, decent, and loving neighbors, partners, parents, leaders and followers. Finding each other is sometimes a trick. Sometimes social boundaries based on income, race, gender, creed, physical dis/ability, politics (to name a few) must be crossed, in both directions. The crossing requires compromise for all parties, but grace and love and integrity come wrapped in wealth and in need, in all colors, shapes and designs. Your mileage may vary.

As we add more and more criteria to our list of compatibility requirements for our relationships of all kinds, we narrow the field of vision, the depth of experience and the eternity of love we are offered in this lifetime.

Hope you don't mind the response to Dr. Phil. If so, drop me a line and ask me something!

Love,
Sophie

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