Dear Sophie,

(I sincerely hope that you post this letter, as it needs to be seen.)

Having been married to a sexual addict, I not only have to agree with Anonymous Reader, but will add that the advice you offered to Woman Scorned is not only wrong, but potentially damaging. There is so much wrong with your responses to both letters, I don't even know where to begin.

My advice to you.... Be INFORMED before you offer advice on a sensitive and painful subject you obviously have no knowledge of. An addiction is far more than a "reliance on an activity or behavior on a routine basis". To compare an addiction to the normal activities of daily living such as defecation and grooming completely outlines your ignorance in such matters. Obviously, there is not enough information in Woman Scorned letter to know if her husband is truly sexually addicted and if he is, I can assure you, there are things about her husband she does not know and perhaps never will.

But I CAN say it is obvious from her letter that she feels hurt and betrayed and he "thinks it is no big deal".

Apparently, you do not see pornography and extramarital affairs as a betrayal. Fine, but for many of us who have taken marriage vows, we are under the assumption that our sex life will be exclusive and that no others will be allowed into the realm of oursexual intimacy. I am sure Woman Scorned was under that same assumption.

Nowhere in WS letter did she say that her husband was"viewing porn 3 or 4 times", she stated he was CAUGHT viewing porn 3-4 times. I can assure you, if he was"caught" that many times, his actual viewing has been much greater. Likewise if he was "caught" and WS expressed her discomfort at his viewing porn and hecontinued to do it, I suspect he has a problem. It may not be addiction, but he obviously is hurting his wife and potentially damaging his marriage. Unlike you, I do not believe for a moment he was deliberately caught so he can open up the discussion of allowingporn into their marriage. I think it is perfectly plausible that he was "caught" because his viewing behavior is escalating and he is getting more reckless. This happens and is often how spouses of addicts discover pornography addictions.

Yes, men view porn....Many women as well. Couples view it together and in many cases it enhances their sexlife. For others, it becomes something far more sinister. Some are unable to stop themselves and must escalate in both severity and frequency. I happen to side with Susan Sontag who said "What pornographic literature does is precisely to drive a wedge between ones existence as a sexual being - while in ordinary life a healthy person is one who prevents such a gap from opening up".

In your response to Woman Scorned, you have taken a woman who is worried about her marriage, most likely feeling undesirable, "not enough" and made her feel worse by intimating that she is controlling and closedminded and have validated her husbands refrain of "it is no big deal".

Woman scorned NEEDS to see a marriage counselor, and fast. Yes, she needs to talk to her husband, but be warned, if he indeed does have a "problem" she will not get an honest response from him. He will continue to minimize his problem. I will be happy to suggest asupport site for spouses of sexual addicts...Perhaps you may benefit from such a site as well.

Sincerely Concerned

Dear Sincerely Concerned,

Thanks so much for your letter. Of course, I am happy to post it, as well as my response to your sincere concern.

I am sorry that you were married to a sexual addict, but again, I don't assume that anyone enjoying porn is necessarily a sexual addict (in fact, I would guess that there would be a minority percentage of those who use it who would become addicted, and that there would always be other or more intense symptoms besides that one described). Therefore, based on the information in the letter to which I was responding, I had no reason to believe that the husband is a sexual addict. Nor do I have any reason to believe that your experience with a sexually addicted spouse has anything to do with this person's experience. It's possible that it does, but I have been given no reason to believe that. Had the letter included more supporting evidence to your theory, maybe. But just because the wife reports that her husband thinks it's "no big deal" doesn't mean those were his words. There are two sides to every story, my dear.

I consider giving qualified reassurance a much less dangerous practice than doling out unqualified diagnoses based, apparently solely, on your own subjective experience (you are unaware of my background, of course, contrary to your statements). Your implied diagnoses are rather presumptuous. Of course, your experience was completely valid and true for you. Perhaps by reading your perspective, a woman will choose professional help. But I would be remiss in my pursuit of my mission if I said that I agree with you.

You didn't say whether you considered masturbation a form of betrayal? While you're correct that I do not consider the enjoyment of erotica inherently adulterous, where did you get the idea that I thought affairs were not? I must not have made myself clear when I discussed the difference between fantasy and behavior. Trying to control another's thoughts is spooky. Controlling one's own behavior, despite healthy, creative fantasy, is a sign of being mature, well-adjusted, responsible. Trying to control the thoughts or behavior of another person is not typically a healthy pursuit for either party.

Assuming that a person is truly sexually addicted (to me this means more than a level of interest---how is it affecting the rest of his life?), an addiction is not a betrayal of marital vows. Is an alcoholic unfaithful? An obese gambler? The object of an addiction is not something the addicted does TO anyone but him- or herself, although the effects are certainly widespread. But the addiction is self-inflicted. To handle an addiction as a character or moral flaw is not only cruel, but nonproductive, in my opinion.

Your letter is full of "I'm sure" and "obviously"---but all I saw were opinions of yours on matters to which you have no more knowledge than anyone else who read that same brief letter with limited information. And me. Are you so sure of others' intentions, feelings, experiences too? Are you really so clairvoyant or do you know the person who wrote the letter? Or me? Is it possible that there are variations of human experience which don't match identically? Could you possibly be rushing to judgment? That seems much more dangerous to me than the approach that I suggested.

My advice to you.... Be INFORMED before you offer advice on a sensitive and painful subject you obviously have no knowledge of. An addiction is far more than a "reliance on an activity or behavior on a routine basis".

I do believe that this is exactly the point I was making. You read my post too literally. You never stated your definition of addiction. By what standard are you measuring other people's addictions?

What is my opinon worth? I claim no more than to be for entertainment purposes only. The only qualifications I officially claim are that I'm happy and healthy. The details of my background and education are part of my mystery chick persona. It's just take it or leave it.

But I'm still not convinced that any experience with erotica necessarily clinches the diagnosis. There are just too many happily married, well-adjusted folks out there who recognize their (and each other's) primal instincts as being what they are.

In response to:

: if her husband is truly sexually addicted and if he
: is, I can assure you, there are things about her
: husband she does not know and perhaps never will.

I wouldn't doubt that for a second. I think that overreacting ("You're sick! You've betrayed me!") to her husband's interest could easily backfire and damage the intimacy between them, probably permanently. His interest would either be driven deep away from her or killed completely. ("Why doesn't he kiss my toes anymore?") It's certainly best for her to assume the best, give him the benefit of the doubt and learn more about what he's actually doing and why he's really doing it---while he is still so ready and inclined to share. I think it's incredibly naive to think that he was caught accidentally 3 or 4 times; it's too easy to keep such behavior a secret, especially if he knows ahead of time that he will be labelled addicted or a moral freak (in more fundamentalist settings).

The fact that a woman can feel so hurt and betrayed by this behavior is not necessarily an indictment of the behavior. Some people's criteria are questionable. Men and women. Just the fact that it bothers her, in and of itself, does not qualify the behavior or the husband's responsibility to it. If she is being unfairly demanding---based on her own feelings of well-adjustment, without any consideration to his at all---then it would certainly be healthier for their relationship for that to be considered before going to the extreme of labelling this fellow with a tag as strong and potentially damaging as "sexual addict"---wouldn't the wife WANT to at least consider alternatives? Shouldn't she first explore HIS thoughts on HIS thoughts before jumping to her own conclusions about his motivations? Is it possible that they can be incompatible without one of them being sick or demented or depraved or addicted?

Viewing pornography or erotica is simply a form of sexual fantasy. (Being addicted to it is QUITE another matter. No need to raise alarms unless one is presented with relevant information.) Would you say that the romance novels that have titillated women for decades are a form of marital betrayal too? Do you think that there's a difference between reading a Penthouse forum letter and a chapter from a romance novel? There isn't. Do they qualify as betrayal? Only if mutually and expressly agreed upon in advance.

"What pornographic literature does is precisely to drive a wedge between ones existence as a sexual being - while in ordinary life a healthy person is one who prevents such a gap from opening up."

With what precisely do you agree? How so? Drive a wedge between sexual identity and---what? I contend that the sexual being is so much a part of our essence, that there's no such thing as a separation of our selves from our sexual selves. They are one and the same. (Sounds healthy then.) One can either be numb or not, or somewhere in between, depending on our ability to accept variation in ourselves and each other, to allow ourselves the vulnerability to delve into true levels of intimacy.

I had no intention of making you or Woman Scorned or anyone feel badly, just the opposite. I'm saying that the described behavior of the husband is in no way a reflection of his love, integrity, faithfulness, level of attraction. There's no reason for a woman to feel badly about herself, even if the worst case scenario were true and he really was addicted. How could his addiction be because of her? That makes no sense.

As long as anyone continues to see themselves as victim of another's behavior, there's going to be trouble, whether the behavior is addictive or not. She (and anyone in her case) needs to simply decide whether the couple is compatible enough to meet her needs. That's empowering advice. I'm telling her (and anyone in her case) that her sense of beauty, worthiness, sexuality is about what comes from inside of her, from no one else. And that sexual intimacy is achievable if we put away our template diagnoses and work to overcome feelings of inadequacy in comparison with women who are essentially cartoon characters in fantasy lives.

Thanks for your recommendation on the sexual addiction site, but I have no need for it myself nor for anyone I know. I'd be happy to post it on your behalf for anyone interested in the topic. Your sense of alarm, implied diagnoses are interesting---but none too compelling. Your indignation on the subject is interesting, too.

I will grant you that perhaps W.S. needs a marriage counselor to help her sort through the issues. But really, only she and her husband can decide that. I would guess that if they were to seek therapy, they would find the dynamic driving this issue to be very complex and multi-layered. And neither of them to blame for it.

Keep in touch!

Love,
Sophie

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