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Dear Sophie,

Why do we cling to relationships that are hurtful, abusive or neglectful? Why do we want to sleep out in the cold alone when there is warmth to be had? How can he hurt me and think that I can possibly stay?

Confused and Bewildered

Dear C'n'F,

Whoa. Okay, here goes.

We cling to pain because it is predictable. Happiness is less so. It's scarier.

Sleeping out in the cold alone is about space and air. Some folks are claustrophic in a physical sense, some in an emotional or spiritual sense. Open space is fresh air, being tethered is drowning and floating is the safety of constant motion.

Why does he hurt you and think you'll stay? He doesn't think you'll stay. He hopes you'll stay. Why does he hurt you? Intentionally? Isaac Hayes always said (by the time I get to Phoenix, yes he did) something like 'some people wanna go and confuse love and kindness for weakness' and that is so true. Sometimes a person is so unaccustomed to givingness and grace that love and warmth and affection seem to always come in a guise. It's a form of fear, I think, but still. It all becomes this choreographed negotiation of control.

Is it better to be strong or to be kind? If the two had to be mutually exclusive, I'd still go for "kind"---being invulnerable to pain is a sign that there's a lack of investment. Quiet strength is a form of kindness, it's a sense of responsibility that we take in holding ourselves together enough to invite intimacy with others. Perceiving pure kindness, loving grace as weakness is a very common mistake.

But the essence of kindness is its inherent forgiveness and compassion for mistakes. And so while he continually negotiates the emotional separation between you, he is still absorbing the warmth of that reassurance. Strength and love are not mutually exclusive. Sometimes strength is in vulnerability, indulgence, patience. And sometimes it's in the leaving. Only you can decide. You'll know when.

Love,
Sophie

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