The following letter was posted as a comment on yesterday's column but because of formatting issues on the page, appears invisible. I am reposting it with my response:

Sophie,

You were way off base with your advise to Woman Scorned. I have worked in couples therapy for almost 15 years now and here's the truth. Pornography is an addiction just like heroin, and, to many wives, it is the ultimate betrayal and often times even worse than a spouse having an affair with a flesh-and-blood person. It takes more and more graphic pictures and words to satisfy the voyeur, and a spouse can never compete with the pornographic images held by the person addicted to it. Pornography will not open the door for pillow talk about mutual sexual fantasies. It only leads to more duress for the one who isn't addicted to it. I strongly recommend Woman Scorned seek professional help in dealing with her feelings of betrayal and other issues which are impacting her marriage. She needs to have the courage to ask her porn-addicted spouse to join her in counseling to save their marriage. This is a ticking bomb about to explode. I've seen it all too often.

Dear Anonymous Reader,

I very much appreciate your opinion and your willingness to post it, but I must respectfully disagree with you.

First, not too long ago (and still in some places) popular theory in psychology was that homosexuality was a dangerous addiction, a malady of the psyche. As was masturbation. Is that a dangerous addiction too? Many people, both men and women, are just as offended by their partner's interest in masturbation (both shared and solitary) as they are pornography and extramarital affairs. They see it as a betrayal (say what?!). Would you term those dangerous addictions as well? These are but two more modern examples of where the science of psychology needed evolution. Modern psychology does not impress me with its assessments of this issue if the current trend is in thinking that people who enjoy pornography or erotica are the psychological equivalent of heroin addicts.

What is an addiction? The reliance on an activity or behavior on a routine basis? Are we then addicted to eating (it only leads to overeating---for those with other problems!) and defecating and bathing and brushing our teeth? Who decides when a routine activity goes from being a normal reaction to a healthy bodily function to a dangerous behavior on the par of heroin addiction or capable of, in and of itself, destroying a marriage? I would say that there's a lot more at play in these troubled marriages than naked photos or dirty words.

While its true that any enjoyable activity can become an addiction, viewing it 3 or 4 (or even 8 or 10) times in a month hardly qualifies as addictive behavior. Had the gentleman referenced been missing work and turning a cold shoulder to his responsibilities, of course, professional intervention might proof helpful. But not necessarily.

Of the persons I have known who step forward to counsel others on matters of the psyche, a number of them are noticably neurotic themselves (aren't we all?). I'm not saying that you are, of course, I don't even know you. But the folks who put together whatever research supports your theory are themselves human and subjective.

What is normal behavior? Wouldn't that be behavior which is common to the majority of humans? I'm not specifying men here because I know many women who have enjoyed pornography and erotica both alone and with their lovers for decades and had nothing but enjoyment and adventure as a result of it. Their needs for titillation did not escalate over time. What is the time bomb to which you refer, I wonder?

I am personally aware of very few truly happy marriages, both young and mature. I think that's because this sort of mutual molding is encouraged and acceptable in our society and that the lack of intimacy that results is corrosive. I believe that the most dangerous addiction in most marriages is in the desire for control over a partner's thoughts, feelings, behavior and appearance. But of those happy marriages of which I am aware, a vast majority of them have relaxed their competition with The Rest of the World in dealing with the neurosis of jealousy. And the happiness followed.

It makes me sad, really breaks my heart, that there are couples whose marriages are in trouble enough to seek therapy and that rather than focusing on the communication and intimacy issues, the self-confidence and mutual acceptance of each other's real selves, they are instead told that one or the other of them is an "addict" and the nonaddict's jealous behaviors are reinforced, and even worse, used to shame the other.

Erotica is not inherently addictive. That's like saying that smoking cigarettes leads to smoking pot and that smoking pot or drinking will only lead to harder drugs. While both may be true for certain addictive personalities, I personally believe that they are not true for the vast majority of people who enjoy these activities. (Apply the food/overeating analogy: If addiction develops, regardless of the object of that addiction, there's something else going on and manifesting most visibly on this issue.) I say this from the personal experience of witnessing very intimately one 60-year-marriage as well as the marriages of other people I know of anywhere from 2 to 20 or 30+ years (in which the presence of porn or erotica was not considered threatening). If this wife thinks that her husband viewing pornography is the basis of their marital troubles, I would bet my house that there are more fundamental problems afoot which are deeply entrenched in control issues.

It can be easy to think that dominance and control issues always manifest as obvious and demanding behavior, but in fact, reticent men and women can be just as controlling, albeit often with more passive (but no less aggressive) methods of asserting their control.

Show me a marriage in which neither partner has ever enjoyed erotica and I will show you one that involves two people leading emotionally detached and mechanical lives in the same house. (Or the partner/s are very good at keeping it a secret, which I suspect is the norm, and damaging to intimacy, trust, communication.) But I find the secret-keeping much more alarming than the subject matter of the secret. If a wife hides the amount she spent at the store or the husband hides his communication with female friends, it's the same problem. Communication, trust and intimacy, not addiction.

Making a person feel that s/he is sick because they enjoy the safe and anonymous outlet of erotica is both cruel and dangerous, in my opinion. (How many affairs devastate pornless households?) Am I a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist? No. I am a student of human nature and I am a happy person who enjoys the rich, multicolored tapestry that has woven together our universe and all of the souls in it. But happiness is a choice we make for ourselves. And that's where I think it's dangerous to encourage the idea that the wife's happiness and self-image are the responsibility of the husband, especially if it involves her being encouraged to control his thought processes in an unnatural way. I think that this "diagnosis" will only serve to drive the natural instincts into hiding. Or kill the libido, the intimacy, the marriage all together. This doesn't mean that she should force herself into joining in the fun (she may or may not be invited) nor feel inadequate in any way because of her lack of interest. She simply decides: can I be okay with this? Or are we simply incompatible (again, no blame)?

My advice to others is simply that: MY advice. I believe that life is all about choices and the primary choice we make every day is whether to love ourselves and those in our lives. By choosing love, the requisite skills of forgiveness, compassion, acceptance and emotional autonomy naturally follow, most importantly toward oneself but by chain reaction to all those in our daily lives. That leads to happiness.

Your experiences as a counselor are perfectly valid, of course. But you claim with such authority that there is always a severe problem when your exposure to porn lovers is seemingly limited to those with ... well, severe problems (troubled marriages). How many folks read erotica and never make it into the offices of psychologists because they are happy and well-adjusted? I'm guessing that this would be the vast majority of those who do, based on my experience in our society.

If I were a counselor and this couple came to me for guidance, I would delve into the woman's self-image issues, her need for control of her mate (and the relationship) as a form of sexual reassurance, and their communication skills on intimate levels.

Thanks again for your feedback. Please feel free to extend the conversation.

Love,
Sophie

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