Dear Sophie,

I'm getting concerned about my husband's seemingly insatiable appetite for porn, especially on the Internet. I've caught him at least 3 or 4 times this month looking at sites with women who can't possibly even be real. I feel betrayed by his interest in other women's bodies and he seems to think it's no big deal.

Am I with the wrong guy? Is he with the wrong girl? If he were attracted to me, wouldn't I be enough?

Woman Scorned

Dear W.S.,

I can't speak to the health of the rest of your relationship, but in this aspect, I think you might need to slow down and ease up on both of you a bit. Erotica and pornography are completely natural interests for either men or women. It's also completely natural if you have no interest in them yourself.

The human psyche is like paint splattered on a linear scale pinned to the wall. Suddenly, there are variations in every direction. In order to accommodate the uniqueness of each and every individual in the history of mankind, there have to be variations, right? So all along the scale of human sexuality are people with varying degrees of interest in a very human instinct---the sexual one.

The cliché that most men are horny beasts became a cliché by being true in a large number of cases. Many women are in fact horny beasts themselves if they can find the level of comfort with their libidos that most men are able to find for themselves. Does that make them depraved? Does it mean that they lack integrity? Are they then incapable of genuine lust and attraction to any OTHER variation on the theme?

First, the fact that he has allowed himself to be "caught" by you might just be a not-so-subtle invitation to play. Have you considered that? What would happen if you curled yourself around his shoulder and joined him in an online (safe, private, harmless) exploration of your shared fantasies?

Then again, he might be subtly pouting or trying to get some negative reinforcement on your level of sexual interest toward him. Positioning himself in a situation in which he's bound to be repeatedly discovered smacks of a conspiracy, albeit a lame one, to inspire feelings of guilt, shame or jealousy. On the other hand, maybe he just wants to share an aspect of his most private thoughts with the woman to whom he has sworn his eternal love and passion. You could go back and forth all day.

If you have a hard time enjoying such activities yourself, that's entirely okay. But I think you would be unduly hard on him and on yourself if you interpreted his interest as a betrayal or a sign of waning interest in you.

My advice? If you can find it within yourself to explore with him, ask him for some intimate pillow talk. Explore his fantasies and share your own. Whatever you do, don't judge him for anything he tells you. It's okay to say, "That's not my thing," but to condemn or judge him for his proclivities is dangerous to your intimacy.

If, by some stroke of luck (pun intended), you find that the two of you have common fantasies, let that be your starting point for a new level of emotional, sexual and spiritual intimacy between the two of you. There is no greater aphrodisiac to either a man or a woman than the feeling of being desired.

Perhaps when you allow that he can have a highly charged libido, an interest in erotica and still find you highly desirable, you might just find your own libido sparking and your interest in playfulness with your partner growing.

If there is simply no negotiating the point, however, if you just can't abide his having a thought or peek at anyone's body but yours, it's entirely possible that you are mismatched. That doesn't imply fault or guilt toward either party. Simply an incompatibility of two variations.

Sex is a powerful component of the human relationship, especially a monogamous marriage. By insisting on monogamy, we take on a responsibility to a minimal level of tolerance and compassion for each other's differences. Don't punish him or yourself for what he's thinking, focus on what he's doing, the decisions he's making in regards to you and your relationship. By allowing himself to be known to you in this way, he's made a confession of sorts, he's opened a door. However intentional his actions, he's in a point of vulnerability right now, still unsure of your reaction to a revelation of a very private aspect of his life.

It's entirely up to you whether you accept the invitation that I think you're being extended. But what have you got to lose?

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com