Dear Sophie,

I've been checking you out, reading your blog lately, and I'm mystified. How can you, or anyone, come away from relationships in which you've been hurt, mistreated or disappointed and not experience and express anger or resentment?

It's one thing if you don't feel it, but what if you do feel it? How do you keep that all bottled up inside?

Gen. Public

Dear General:

Well, let's see. First of all, I would recommend that if you do feel anger or resentment toward a person, regardless of the nature of the relationship, you should express it. Only one firm guideline there: express it constructively. In other words, there's a big difference between writing or saying, without angry embellishment, "I'm really hurt by this situation and I need to talk about it."---and---losing your cool with accusations and blame. You have two decisions to make there.

First, to whom do you address your anger or resentment? Consider carefully the willingness of the listener. In some cases, a trusted but neutral friend or professional or family member might be best. Perhaps it might be best to express it to yourself or the world at large through writing or art. And in some cases, it's best to go straight to the source of your anger and calmly confront that person.

I would not recommend an ambush, or surprise conversation that catches any person off guard. If you involve someone else, whether the "offender" or a neutral party, let them know ahead of time what you need and give them a chance to accept or reject their role in the conversation. Ask for support, and let it be clear that you are not seeking to shame or blame. And if you do end up in a conversation with the person with whom you're angry, it's very important to honor their trust in your behavior by not attacking them or shaming them, either.

That's---if you're angry. But you don't necessarily have to be angry when things don't work out your way, and that sort of making peace with the flow of events is a fine line to walk. In twelve-step programs around the globe, people learn and live a mantra: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

All three are tall orders for most of us, but the third should really be the first, as it is a critical coping skill to know when we have the power (and the right to that power) over a situation and when we don't. We cannot expect to change the way another person FEELS or ACTS. We can only affect our own emotions and behaviors. We can control how we REACT to another's feelings or actions, but the source of those is beyond our reasonable realm of control.

So to become angry when another person misbehaves (by our subjective standards, mind you) or acts selfishly is natural, but to expect that our anger will or should alter their feelings &/or behavior is unrealistic and dangerous. In the normal processing of that emotion, I would suggest that the goal is a process of rationalization (Cool thing? Rational.) that tells us, "That's the way life goes. I have no control here. I did the best I could," and that the anger is dissipated quickly before it inspires damaging thoughts or behaviors on our part. Anger is natural, but should be temporary and is dangerous if it fuels short-term outbursts or long-term bitterness. Both are toxic.

So how do you get to that level of compassion and understanding of such frustrating circumstances? Well, through compassion, empathy and insight. By stepping out of and away from our own life---and into and toward the lives of those we love.

I have heard it said that it is when we least deserve love that we need it the most. A hard concept to embrace sometimes, but certainly truer words were never spoken. Love is rarely deserved. But if we only gave love to those who deserve it, the world would shrivel up and die. So where do we draw our boundaries? How do we extend unconditional love without losing sight of our own needs and our self-respect?

Foremost, we have to learn and remember the difference between LOVE and TRUST. Simply loving a person doesn't mean you can live with them or their behavior. Love doesn't pay the bills, doesn't raise the children, doesn't get the chores done.

I suggest that LOVE is and should be unconditional. TRUST however, is and should be hard-earned. Respect is a by-product of both and should be extended at all times, but is "adjustable" and can easily be diminished to mere civility with constant abuse.

This clarity harkens back to my idea that being "in love" is really a combination of four key emotional elements: love, trust, respect and attraction. Without physical attraction, we have the three components necessary for fulfilling relationships with family, friends, colleagues, etc. So those three elements are critical to EVERY whole, sustaining, successful relationship we have.

Whether your children, co-workers, neighbors or lover, we have to react to people's behavior toward us in the proper realm (love, trust, respect) for our reaction to be healthy and effective. Ultimately, we may not get our wish in terms of the reciprocation (love, trust, respect) we desire, but at least we can achieve the maximum level of peace, content, and love, if not with each other then at the very least with ourselves. And it's important to remember that just because a person can't or won't respect or trust us, doesn't mean that they don't love us. Even if they can't say it themselves.

Forgiveness, I believe is more an expression of love than trust. Unconditional like love, it is that letting go to which I've been referring. But that doesn't mean letting painful patterns repeat, it doesn't mean condoning or accepting negative, hurtful behavior. In fact, I truly believe that the free flow of love and forgiveness has a much more healing effect on broken relationships than anger, shame or guilt, and for both (or all) parties involved.

No one I know has ever been shamed into compliance in a relationship on any permanent or fundamental level. It just builds more and more layers of negativity on top of the real problem and the solution becomes more and more elusive.

So really, it's all about choices again. To be or not to be? Angry. Loving. Forgiving. Which serves our better interest? Which has the better aftertaste? And which is more likely to solve the problem against which we are struggling? And what solution do we really seek, anyway?

Next time: Compatibility vs. compromise. How much is too much? And what if they are still not enough?

Much love,
Sophie
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