You know, Ashevillain, I think you have very valid points here.

I'd like to add that kindness, compassion, forgiveness are gifts we give ourselves in the end. I mean, by giving them to others, we gift ourselves with their benefits as well. We can leave a person more healed, happier than we found him and that's okay, that's GOOD even. It's okay if we had to give a little of ourselves away, even more than we got and even okay if it was stolen under false pretenses. If a person steals, they need this stolen thing a lot more than I do.

Stealing is not an act of evil; it's an act of sickness, of brokenness. A person who steals a part of your life, a part of your soul by taking without giving in return is one trying to make or fill his or her own soul. It's a form of starvation. Of self-protection, self-preservation from emotional malnourishment. Often times the malnourished seek quantity instead of quality sustenance, resulting in the 'drive thru' relationship patterns. Quick fast-food type fare that doesn't last but didn't 'cost' much and is easily and best forgotten.

If you think of it that way, it's easier to understand why these Disappearing continue in their pattern. Because they get positive reinforcement for a negative behavior. The drama, the hurt, the anger. By letting all of those things go, we not only release ourselves to move on, but we stop, however briefly, the pattern that fuels their insecurity, their sickness. We stop feeding it. After all, it is depriving our friend of meaningful relationships and enriching life experiences and we don't feed the dragon.

The dragon is not the friend, though. The dragon is a sickness that controls the friend. With that perspective, it's much easier to see our roles as unconditional supporters, even if the best support possible is ultimately an easy, forgiving release.

Isaac Hayes once said (I'll use it every chance I get!) that people often wanna go and confuse love and kindness for weakness. It's so s'true. Oftentimes, true loving kindness (maitri) is mistakenly perceived as a weakness, a lack of self-confidence. There is a difference between forgiveness and forebearance. But both are forms of patience and kindness. But there have to be limits in order for the trust to have any integrity. There has to be a willingness for each to make some of the investment or it makes no sense.

But don't lose kindness just to prove your strength. Let your kindness BE your strength. Strength is grace and confidence and forgiveness and endurance. It is not resilience to human empathy nor pain. It is not detachment.

So I guess what I'm asking is, Is that really confidence they're portraying? Or insecurity? And I would hope that the Disappearee WANTS to move on and find a more fulfilling relationship, a much stronger, more balanced, healthier alternative to staying stuck in a repeating pattern that leaves one bewildered and alone, even in company. And this applies as much to platonic friendships as it does to romantic sexual involvements. It's the human condition.

I think you, Ashevillain, hit the nail on the head with the Green Grass Syndrome, another variation on the theme of Self Validation. It's all so complex and fascinating.

I hope you're all listening to music. I would recommend Sade's Lovers Rock this cool dark spring night.

Love,
Sophie

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