Gentle Reader,

Do you have a "personal mission statement" ... ? Do you know what this is? The concept of a personal mission statement is supposed to bring focus, direction and purpose to our daily lives. If you have a personal mission statement you're willing to share, or questions on how to develop one, please feel free to write.

I'm considering mine.

How can I briefly and succinctly encapsulate my priorities in a single statement intended to motivate my every action, my every decision, my every direction? I'd want it to encapsulate a passion for living, for loving, for learning and for the values I hold most dear.

Dr. Stephen Covey's works (7 Habits of Highly Effective People) introduced me to the concept and more information on his approach can be found at www.FranklinCovey.com.

Mine is now in development. I'll be posting more about it.

What is your purpose in life? What are your goals? How would you like to be remembered?

Love,
Sophie

This blog can now be accessed through SophieSeriously.com. You may now address your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophie@sophieseriously.com. Thanks for stopping in!

This is right on time. And applies to anyone. XO, Sophie

Sophie, my entire life, i have encountered extreme cruelty, prejudice, and denial of relationships with 97% of American women in general, and with ones that i have shown romantic interest in. Even after becoming a married man 13 years ago, i seem to not get the benefit of the doubt that other men seem to get, i experience this when i am in line at the bank for instance, when i wish to cash my paycheck, i get harranged for extra peices of ID that i don't have, and i notice other men in line don't get the same thing done to them, and they have accounts else were, as i do, i know this, as many of them have been my coworkers, in the workplace, i have experienced discrimination from co working females, in the way i am perceived and talked to, often being held to higher standards, and many times, the females i work with, have convinced the other males in the workplace to harras me, me finding this out later, i have never seen another male get this kind of treatment, not in the frequency, and magnitude in witch it seems to happen to me, i really don't believe I'm causing it, there is no mystical problem with my personality, i am kind, very reasonably attractive, a hard worker, and a team player. my wife has noticed the same thing, and it baffles us both. in my everyday life, it has caused me to struggle with depression,,, always think 80% of the women i run into, have an ulterior motive where I'm concerned, and possibly don't always tell the truth about me to other people. in recent years, i have learned to be very silent around women, this has helped at least keep the peace, but it doesn't always work, i have also trained myself to judge each person differently, and always give every new female that comes in to my life a chance to work positively with me, what can i do to change this obvious dilemma? it seems to mainly be American women i have this problem with, i get along great with Hispanic women, i just want to know if there are steps i can take to stop this, i decided a long time ago, that I'm not going to go out of my way to prove I'm a good person, i will only be myself, and i know I'm a decent individual, many i feel should recognize this, and give me the same benefit of the doubt, that they are giving to others.

bewildered by bias



Dearest Bewildered,

My response to you is somewhat complex because I have to speculate a lot, having no idea what you look like or what your sense of presence might be. My first inclination is to wonder if your perceptions of other's reactions to you might be being colored by your own sense of self, and whether there might be some obvious aspect of your physicality that stands out to others but not to you. Let's assume that you are of average appearance and that physicality must have some impact on initial reaction (what else do others have to go on?) of others.

I should ask: Is it only women? Never men? What about gay men? Does sexual tension play into the equation? (It sounds like it does.) You mention that Latino women don't seem affected. Do you have similar (read: familiar) features to them? Could you be sensing a racial or ethnic discomfort? Do you dress in bright flowered velvet clothing? Do you whistle through your nose when you breath? You can imagine that the list goes on. Yes, your wife is comfortable with your physicality and apparently equally mystified. What about at first? Was it love at first sight or did she need time to gain trust for you?

So many questions, Bewildered. I think I might need more information if I am to seriously address your problem with any level of credibility or hopes for usefulness.

Remember too that our perception of ourselves is often much harsher than others perception of us. We tend to magnify our traits that we find least desirable and that others might not even notice. Have you gotten feedback from anyone more neutral than your wife?

I hope that at the very least my response has given you some issues to examine, research within your experience and to evaluate for alternative perspectives. I'm betting that you're a very special man among most.

Thanks so much for writing!

Love,
Sophie

This blog can now be accessed through SophieSeriously.com. You may now address your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophie@sophieseriously.com. Thanks for stopping in!

Dear Sophie,

Why is our society so obsessed with physical beauty? How do I spark romantic interest if I'm rather plain physically?

Beholdee

Dear Beholdee,

First of all, I'd like to suggest that you think a lot about what and whom you find beautiful yourself. When you feel the spark of attraction with another human, study that person carefully and note his or her characteristics. Do they have a "perfect" body? A flawless face? Lots of hair or not much? How is it styled? Keep either a physical or mental inventory as you go about your research and make copious notes about as much of the person as you can possibly observe.

Then I want you to go over the inventory. Very likely, not all of the persons you admired had the same characteristics. I'd be willing to bet that there was no single characteristic shared by every one of your study subjects.

I personally find all types of men and women physically attractive. Although I consider myself a heterosexual, I enjoy looking at beautiful women as well as beautiful men. What makes this enjoyment richer is that nearly everyone I meet is beautiful in some way. Is it because I live in some magically blessed corner of the world? No. It's because I love variation on the theme.

I love men who with long hair, short hair and bald men; big and small men, old and young men. All shapes, sizes, colors, ages and styles of dress. Same with women. Even though my interest in women is tempered by my sexuality, I truly enjoy the beauty of other women.

I will say that there is one characteristic common to every person, man or woman, I find attractive: a warm smile. Really. If you use the 1-10 scale for beauty, you can boost your score by at least 5 to 7 points by simply sharing a warm, sincere smile with everyone you meet (not just potential suitors).

Beyond the first impression, I contend that a grateful and happy demeanor also enhance our attractiveness. I'm not just talking about an emotional or spiritual response by others to your attitude, but the actual physical changes that occur in our bodies when we maintain a positive attitude. Your features soften, your vibe is warm, your posture is more inviting --- the list goes on.

Finally, I firmly believe in celebrating your own beauty. Do you? Do you know how beautiful you really are, and do you present yourself lovingly to the world? Wearing clothing that expresses your spirit (and I'm not talking about dressing to impress on a financial scale), jewelry that decorates and enhances your features, and a hairstyle that speaks to your lifestyle can all make an incredible difference in the image you present to yourself and to the world. Cosmetics and nail polish aren't frivolity for the shallow, either. They are tools for the self-expression of your own beauty and should be a part of your image if that's who you are (whether man or woman).

And of course, I hope I don't even need to mention the importance of scrupulous hygiene?

It might be hard at first to view yourself and the world as ultimately flawless in your imperfection, but it can happen over time if you practice. It really does take practice. You have to block out the negative voices of outside influences (mainstream media, controlling friends or families, etc.) and especially your OWN negativity. If you have trouble getting started, turn off the television for at least one month and see how your perception of your own beauty and that of others around you changes (and it will change, trust me).

Thanks for writing. Write again.

Love much,
Sophie

This blog can now be accessed through SophieSeriously.com. Until I resolve mail server issues, please continue to address your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously (at) gmail.com

Gentle reader,

Here I sit in my big easy chair with laptop screen burning into the total darkness surrounding me, and I suddenly have nothing to say and so much to say that I can't imagine squeezing it all through my fingers into the keyboard and shooting it across cyberspace for you to read. I know it's been a long time since I wrote, and I have missed writing so much. The last year has been a blur of changes and activity and chaos and turmoil. But I should have been writing anyway, I know. Those times are the most fertile for our imagination, for our cultivation of empathy and wisdom and insight. I don't think the experiences are wasted though. I think I can pick up here, in this tiny corner of the universe, where I left off and I can speak to you, sing to you, soothe you and challenge you in all the ways I need to be spoken to, sung to, soothed and challenged.

Look for me here, if you're still checking in. And pass the word along to those you think might be interested. Write when and if you can. I need your inspiration. And I promise you mine.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously (at) gmail.com

Dear Sophie,

I'm not typically a depressed sort of person, but the state of world politics is seriously harshing my mellow. Are we completely freakin' out? Is this the end of the world as we know it? What's the answer?

Truly Terminally-Bewildered

Dear Truly,

Yeah, I guess we are sort of totally freaking out. I mean, it's unfathomable to me that in this day and time, we are still capable of the level of man's inhumanity to man that we rationalize and justify every day for what appears to me to be nothing more than corporate greed. Not to mention the level of cruelty inflicted every day on innocent men, women, children, animals. What are we thinking after all?

In terms of reconciling that into a pill I can swallow every morning on my way out to work, there are tools but no real cure. I listen to a lot of music. A LOT of music. I tap into the great outdoors that surrounds us and that always gives me perspective. Outdoors, I am reminded that man has been around with bare essentials (sunshine, water, vegetation) for gazillions of years and that, as John Popper sings, "it won't mean a thing in a hundred years." It grounds me back to seeing the absurdity and grace of each day.

I indulge my senses and I avoid violence in the media except for what slips through the news. I turn the news off sometimes, but I always remember to turn it back on. As depressing as the news can be, it is the reality of All That Is that keeps me grounded and grateful.

Finally, I think that you need a delicate balance of alone and not alone times. Don't distract yourself from your healing by keeping meaningless relationships afloat, but also don't isolate yourself from those you know you can love and trust safely. Take love where you can get it and don't try to analyze every thing that happens. Sometimes good things happen for no reason and sometimes bad things happen for no reason.

My single most valuable piece of advice for today: There's not always someone to blame.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously (at) gmail.com

The freakinasheville.com website has been down since last summer, and thus my column has been, too. But I think I've found a way now to keep the blog going while we await the return of Jim-Daddy.

If you have anything you'd like to say or ask, just drop me a line at my new email address, which is sophieseriously (at) gmail.com.

I hope to hear from you!

Love,
Sophie