Dear Sophie,

I've been dating for the past 2 years after having ended a 20-year marriage to a man who cheated on me repeatedly, among other problems. As the result of the pain I experienced in that marriage, I have made it my vow not to ever sleep with a man unless I knew for sure that he's not married or committed to another. So even after I know for sure that he's really available, I have a hard time opening up and feeling comfortable having sex as quickly as most men want these days. Our society changed a lot while I was married. I feel like such a prude but really I'm not. I'm not looking for another marriage but at the same time I don't like the idea of a revolving bedroom door either. I'm confused and it seems like no matter which way I go I end up sending out the wrong message not to mention running men off. What have you got to say for me?

Tired in Transylvania

Dear Tired,

There's nothing MORALLY wrong with having sex with random strangers or with people with whom you have little to no connection or experience otherwise. Just like there's nothing wrong with eating a Big Mac from the drive through while you're on your way to the mall. But is it really soul-satisfying nourishment? How well does it serve your longer term needs for sustenance? And is adequate sustenance a short-term or long-term fulfillment of those needs?

There can even be a delicious enjoyment of the wicked-good indulgence of your body's physical needs for touch and expression with someone you barely know and are not sure you'll ever see again. Can you turn off your emotional and spiritual needs for touch and expression long enough to enjoy it? Most likely. But what happens afterward? What do you do to fill those voids when your sex partner has moved on to other partners, or simply lost interest and wandered away?

I've personally always preferred sex inspired by love to love inspired by sex. What exactly does that mean? Well, that depends.

That doesn't mean you'd have to be married or even in a committed, monogamous relationship in order to enjoy the benefits of emotional and spiritual aspects added to a physical relationship. There's no magic number of dates or certain words that should be uttered to signal the threshold into sexual adventure. No magic sequence of events or criteria to be met. It's different for everyone, and will be different for each potential partner you meet.

What is most important is feeling the mutual respect not only for one's time and physical needs, but for honest, open communication of what is happening in the moment and what can be expected from one another in the foreseeable future. How many of us have thrown ourselves into a hot sexual relationship only to regret the investment later, when we feel abandoned, taken for granted, used or manipulated? I have heard so many times, "If only I hadn't slept with him!" or "At least I didn't sleep with him!" as the first expression after a connection disconnects for whatever reason.

Is this a gender-based phenomenon? I really don't know. I've never heard a man regret having sex with anyone at any time (at least not that was admitted to me, and I have a lot of male friends with whom I dish pretty intensely) unless the woman ended up being infected with a disease, getting pregnant or becoming a stalker. The emotional aspect doesn't seem as critical to some (most?) men, but I'd be ecstatic to be hear otherwise. And perhaps you're a woman who doesn't need that feeling of connectedness to a sexual partner. But it's certainly okay (healthy, normal, nurturing) if you do.

Our society, in its push for female sexual liberation, has had a tendency to make women feel as if they need to be promiscuous in order to assert their independence and emotional fortitude. Women who yearn for an emotional connection and some sense of spiritual continuity with their partners are conveyed as needy, dependent, insecure or emotionally fragile. Quite the contrary, seeking and expecting a solid emotional connection with your sexual partners---and abstaining from sexual activity until those needs are adequately fulfilled---are the signs of a woman who is in control of her own life, not seeking validation and reassurance through acts of purely physical sexuality which ring hollow in the aftermath of the moment of passion.

In terms of sending out the "wrong message" I think that as long as the message you send out is clear, is honest and truly reflects your personal, spiritual and physical needs, you really can't go wrong. If that message pushes potential partners away or causes them to lose interest, you're really so much better off in the long run. You owe yourself a life of quality, fulfilling connections with those who truly care about your needs as well as their own. Anything less will leave you questioning your own value and judgement.

How to deal with the loneliness? Here's an epiphany: we're all lonely. As much as we fear loneliness, it's inevitable and there's really nothing to be afraid of. People who are married get lonely, people who are single and have many love interests get lonely. You can't escape loneliness with sex, with a lifetime marriage, with dozens of friends or sex partners or with drugs, alcohol, food or shopping. Loneliness is part of the human condition. (See the R.E.M. video linked at the end of this post, a FAVORITE of mine!)

We really shouldn't be afraid of loneliness, but it's one of the primary fears prevalent in our society and the incredibly powerful force behind so many bad decisions we make on small and large scales, including the extramarital affairs that plague marriages. But like other forms of hunger, the pangs of loneliness will pass. Yes, they will inevitably return again, but we are so much better able to bear those empty moments when we have our own approval, our own esteem, our own stores of validation and reassurance from which we can draw comfort and sustenance. What if we had given them all away to someone who squandered them or left them crumpled under our beds?

Be who you are. Hold on tight to her, never let her go. It's never easy, but you're ever-so-worth it!

Love,
Sophie