I have a friend out there who is having trouble at church with gossip and personal politics. Sometimes life is so unfair.

But our hopes of ever affecting a dynamic that is THAT systemic in our society and in our social constructs (and church really is a social construct, isn't it?) is to acknowledge the futility of trying to totally eradicate it. In other words, there's only so much you can do. The rest is just coping.

I can't remember where I read one of my myriad mottos: Live your life so that it doesn't matter what anyone says about you, even if what they're saying isn't true. Part of that has to do with your perceptions of yourself and part of that is supporting the perceptions of others about you. If the people in a social group know you and see you participating in the gossip ring, even if only to defend yourself, you have reduced your credibility and increased their willingness to believe anything that they hear. If, however, you can rise above participation in the game, even if it's not fair and even if what is being said is not true, you are more likely to convey integrity rather than guilt of the accusations being made.

Of course, if the allegations are severe (such as those with legal implications) then you have to take action rather than remaining passive. The best way to end that sort of behavior is to calmly seek legal assistance and let your lawyer handle the matter. Sometimes simply saying, "I'll have to talk to my lawyer" is enough to quell the rumors.

It's especially sad to hear that this problem is so ingrained in your church, where these sorts of nasties are especially out of place. And the fact that the leaders of your church are involved is even more disturbing. I suggest that you consider membership in another group more able and willing to live and exemplify the ideals they gather to espouse. I'm not sure which religion this church symbolizes, but it sounds inappropriate for any religion or spirituality, since most have as their basis the universal themes of love and forgiveness.

Your resilience and grace are your greatest "weapons" in this self-defense. And as for the long-lasting effects on you, forgiveness will be key. That doesn't mean letting this continue to happen.

Love,
Sophie
PS---I don't publish letters unless you ask me to, by the way. Many of my posts are in response to letters or conversations with folks seeking input. And some are just reminders to myself.