I am answering a letter that is to remain unpublished as requested.

Lost in the Mountains:

The gist of the matter at hand is the disappearing act that men and women alike play on each other at the most inopportune and unexpected times in the development of a relationship. What causes them? Is there a cure?

It's a good news/bad news scenario. First the bad news, it's the simplest: no known cure. Dammit.

Now the good news: It's not your fault.

The causes of the disappearing act are numerous but invariably a manifestation of the psyche of the disappearer, not the disappearee. Even if the disappearee has some hideous flaws that were just being discovered at the time of the vaporization, there is no excuse for not saying goodbye. The inability to face one's responsibility just up to the point of being able to say, write or mime "This isn't working for me" is very common. If s/he can't muster a little parting honesty, not the gut-wrenching kind but just a compassionate disclosure, there is most likely a pattern of such behavior and a clear underlying reason for it, and it's no coincidence that you're being cut off prior to your discovering just what that is.

Some folks feel badly about themselves and think they are "beating you to the punch" and others simply don't have the empathy to consider stickier alternatives.

And then there's another kind, and I find them increasingly common in both committed and adrift disappearers: the need for drama.

There are some people who get their validation from sexual encounters. Others gain validation through wealth and accumulation of material goods. And there are some who just need to be begged after.

It's the "Why didn't you call me?" and "Don't you know how worried I was?" that they crave. And to create that level of emotion, they push hard into relationships with good intent, but end up startled.

By withdrawing or withholding from an intimate relationship, one has control over the entire scene, first of all. As long as the other party/ies involved are involved enough. But what if they're not?

What if you were to sit him down and say to him, "Okay, I understand your need to go. I'll miss you and I'll think of you. But I'm moving on."

And you have to do it. Don't seek revenge, don't break promises or tell secrets. Rest plenty, but don't hide. Stretch out. Simply be available to possibilities that might have otherwise flown right by.

Love,
Sophie

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