Dear Sophie,

I am dating a wonderful man who has two kids age 8 and 11 with another woman. I've never had kids and pretty sure I can't. I don't like the kids mom at all, but I love both of them and we all get along really well. This will be our first holidays together and he wants to hold our celebration of Christmas when the kids can be there to share it with us. They live with their mom for the most part but he gets unlimited visitation. I want to spend time with the kids, too, but I'd like for our "official" Christmas to be just us two. He won't even think about exchanging gifts or sharing a special meal both with and without them. He will only celebrate when they are with us. I don't want to spend every holiday catering to his and his kids schedule and having them involved in every celebration. Why can't we have two? Am I being unreasonable?

Grinch

Dear Grinch (don't be so hard on yourself!),

I strongly suspect that the separation of this man from his children is pretty recent. And whether or not that's the case, he is still very sentimentally attached to them. As parents, it's important to many to make our children a part of our own and us a part of their holiday memories. He likely feels some ambivalence about moving on in life without them at his side, even if it's never far and they see each other often. He may feel some sense of guilt even though he has nothing to feel guilty about. And maybe he is just one of those rare and incredible parents who are so enraptured with their children that nothing has the same joy as that which they can share with their kids.

Whatever the case, I think you have to consider this man a package deal. There are some areas in other's lives we must simply recognize as sacred. Whatever his reasons, and however reasonable your reasons are as well, his kids are a part of all his holidays. He may also be recognizing how quickly kids grow up and move on to make their own holiday traditions, sometimes without us for whatever reason, and that these years are too precious to be wasted. A way of storing things away sentimentally for a time of inevitable change, and sometimes even loss.

Since you asked, I'd advise you to join the club. The fact that you're invited into an event so obviously special to him is a great acknowledgement and a high honor. If you attend cheerfully, they will be equally honored for having the benefit of your grace and dignity. If you can't do so cheerfully, it's best for you to bow out gracefully and decide whether you're interested in extending a post-holiday invitation. Your days of quiet one-on-one celebrations can be just as special when they are made in the middle of the week and for no apparent reason other than that you are celebrating having found each other.

However valid your concerns, you shouldn't discourage this sense of love, commitment, loyalty in this man. If you allow him that, you will likely inspire a comparable sense of loyalty and commitment from him yourself. You know now that this is who he is. You have the right to your own needs and you simply have to prioritize them. Which do you need most? Are you willing to accept the costs? Only you can decide that. And you're perfectly justified no matter what you choose.

I wish you and yours the warmest, most joyous holiday season ever.

Love,
Sophie