Sophie, seriously ... I found out a few weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me. I asked him to move out. Now he's accusing me of breaking MY vow of marriage to him! I'm so confused. Does "for better or worse" give him a free get-out-of-jail card any time he decides he can't hold up his end of the bargain? Am I copping out? Please help me sort this out!

----Muddled

Well, Muddled. I look it at this way. A marriage vow is a mutual vow, meaning that it was made by both of you. I see that vow as resembling a beautiful glass vase. If your cheating husband decided to drop (or even throw) that vase to the floor by cheating on you, is your asking him to move out really breaking the vase? Or simply being unable or unwilling to glue it back together for him?

The decision, of course, is yours. Sometimes the pieces are large enough --- and all accounted for --- to make reconstruction of the beloved vase a viable option. But sometimes the damage is so great, or there are pieces missing so that even an honest attempt at repair just won't do it.

And of course, you have to wonder: Will the repaired vase still hold water? And what happens if it is broken again? I'd recommend having a contingency plan in the event that you opt for giving the vase another try.

If there are kids involved, the answer gets a lot more complicated.

In any case, I would recommend professional counseling to help you both sort through your goals for the marriage. It's hard to know, based on a highly emotionally charged reaction to the news of his betrayal, where your true feelings lie. But I feel comfortable saying that if he broke the vase, it's his job to figure out how to fix it to your satisfaction, whatever that may end up being. Don't use his mistake against him in unrelated issues, though, or you'll be furthering the damage to the point that perhaps no one can ever fix it. If you opt for forgiveness, you must truly forgive him and let it go without looking back. If you opt for separation, be clear with yourself and him about what went wrong and what your new goals are for your relationship.

Sophie

Send your questions, comments and insights to: sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Hello, freakinasheville! Happy Sunday!

I'd like to thank our neighbor Woody in Asheville for writing in today, although he requested that his correspondence be answered privately. His letter does, though, lend an opportunity to invite other readers to correspond privately. I can't guarantee my availability or response time on such requests for insight, but I certainly do welcome them and will make every effort to respond in accordance with your level of comfort.

So, it's the New Year. I've found that I need to make resolutions in order to feel that my life has a forward motion to it, but I've learned a little over the years on the type that seem to have the most positive impact.

I've learned to have only one resolution per year. I think about which might have the broadest, most encompassing impact on all the more specific areas of my life that are limping along. My resolution this year: Do the hard thing. It affects everything from my parenting to my job to my relationships with friends, family and beloveds.

A very wise man once told me, "Whenever you're in doubt on what to do, think about which option is the easiest and which is the hardest. Then do the hard thing. Whenever you're in doubt, do the hard thing." And truth be told, I have never regretted doing just that.

That's my advice for myself and I'd like to share it with you, gentle reader. It's been a good year so far.

Toodles,
Sophie

Hey Sophie,

I'm really confused.

I've been dating this guy for almost 2 years and I think I really love him. But
he lies all the time and I don't know if I can trust him. And now he's talking
about wanting to move into together and someday get married. He says he only
lied to me to spare my feelings and avoid fights. I can't imagine life without
him, but I haven't been able to trust him. Maybe if we get closer, he'll want to
do right by me and stop his lying ways. What do you think?

---N.S.

Dear N.S.,

There are actually several layers of response I'd like to construct here. First, let's take the relationship as a whole.

It's always been difficult to know whether to go forward with a relationship or whether the warning signs should be heeded. After all, no relationship is perfect, right? Over time, I constructed a system to help me evaluate more objectively the potential for longevity of a relationship. Generally, there are four components to long-term success. Genuine love, attraction, trust and respect. You can feel any one or any combination of these elements in any given relationship. All four or none; simply trust and respect without love or attraction; or just the opposite.

But for me, all four must be present and all four must be mutual (that's really key) in order for me to consider a long-term commitment to a partner. While it's entirely possible for me to love and feel attraction to and even respect someone, if I don't trust them, I simply don't think in terms of a serious long-term commitment. And if I can't trust my partner, chances are, he's not respecting me with the truth. A ~lot~ of relationships fall into that scenario. Not trusting someone, though, does not negate the genuine love you may share nor diminish the intense attraction to the person. You can even still respect someone you don't trust (although that's generally a touchy relationship between trust and respect). But if any one of those elements is missing, it is cause for concern. I look at it as a compatibility issue, though, not as a means of judgement, nor a basis for making accusations of character flaws. It's simply compatibility. "This is me, what I need and how I operate. Whatever works for you is fine, I'm simply speaking for myself." That sort of thing.

Now, why do partners who claim to love us often find it necessary or desirable to lie to us? The answer can be very complex. I almost might be tempted to ask what the lies concern, but that really doesn't matter. If he's lying, he's lying. And unless he gets some type of professional assistance or goes through some life-altering spiritual metamorphosis, it's likely he'll continue lying as the pattern has already been set. When he says that he's doing so to protect you, I think that's a cop-out. It's true that we have a responsibility to set the stage for truthfulness by always reacting to the truth with appropriate behavior. If you lashed out when he tells the truth, in other words, it would be understandable, albeit not excusable, that he lies. But if your reaction to the truth scares or intimidates him, it is his job to bring that to your attention and seek a resolution, not to use that as an excuse to lie. There is no excuse for lying.

Finally, though, there is a big difference between honesty and disclosure. There are things you have the right to know and things that you do not have the right to know. If he is not telling you something you have no right to know, that is not lying. That is called maintaining privacy. If he avoids the privacy issue by giving you false information as a disclosure, it has just become a lie. But it is fully within anyone's rights in a healthy relationship to say to you, "I'm not ready to share that information. I don't want to lie to you, and I don't want to tell you the truth. You'll simply have to trust me and wait until I feel safe enough to tell you more." And then you make sure that you are creating an environment of safety and reassurance that lets him know that his decision to trust you with disclosures will not be a mistake.

To be clear, there is information we have the right to know, and that which we have no right to know. If he is keeping silent about something you have the right to know (as established by the ground rules of your particular relationship), that is a form of dishonesty in itself. If he is keeping silent about something you technically have no right to know (even though you really, really wish you knew), that is maintaining privacy and certainly within his (or your) rights.

I hope this helps at least set a framework for evaluating your feelings toward your partner and the relationship you share. Do remember, there are many reasons people lie. It's not always a malicious, selfish reason, sometimes it's purely fear and lack of experience in telling the truth. I find it hard to fault someone for weakness or fear, but I still have the clarity to say, "This cannot work for me. I love you and think you're a fine person, but this behavior is incompatible with my goals for our relationship." That really helps cut to the core of the issue (without judgement, condemnation, anger, rejection) and offers a much better chance for long-term resolution.

Best of luck! And feel free to post comments if I've gotten any of that wrong or you need more feedback.

Sophie
sophie (a.t) freakinasheville.com

A reader from the Baltimore area has asked if I have a recipe for Parker House Rolls. Didn't believe that you could come to Sophie for recipes. And so --- this recipe is for a bread machine to knead, but if you're doing it by hand, you can adapt the order accordingly.

Parker House Rolls
1 cup warm water
1 egg
2 tbs. real butter
3-1/2 cups King Arthur bread flour
1 tbs. instant yeast
1 tsp. salt
4 tbs. sugar

Mix the dough in the machine or by hand. When it's time to shape it, divide into 8-12 balls of dough, depending on your preference for size and quantity. For each ball of dough, divide into three smaller balls (or flatten and fold in half for the original shape of PH rolls). In a muffin pan greased with butter (or you can do these freestyle on a baking sheet), place 3 small balls of dough in each cup (or pinch the dough together on the bottom and place on a sheet). Let rise 30 minutes. Preheat oven to 350 degrees and bake 10-12 minutes, or until golden brown. Do not overbake. Brush tops with melted butter and serve hot.

So we're settling into winter here in the mountains of North Carolina. I've noticed both at home and at work that tensions seem to run a bit higher when folks are cooped up without the benefit of the sun's warmth and the freedom of movement. Is there any way to release the tension while we wait for the sun to come back out? Absolutely.

Making a pot of homemade soup and a batch of rolls to share with friends is a good start. (Feel free to post your favorite cold-weather recipe below.)

But what about activity? Crank up the music and dance. Go bowling. Take a winter hike (properly layered, and don't forget that sunblock and water are important even in the cold). I really unleashed a lot of tension in the gameroom at Asheville Pizza Company one weekend with friends, playing foosball and air hockey. Bowling is always fun. You can put in some mileage at the mall if you walk more than you shop. There's no need to sit just because it's cold outside. And it will make the fireplace feel that much comfier when you come in out of the cold. But if you truly can't make yourself brave the weather, dancing about the living room can be invigorating, too.

Hope you're all enjoying the weather, however and wherever. To everything its season.

Sophie

Halloooooo, freakinasheville! How can I help? I wouldn't say that this is so much an advice column (although it's that too) as just a place to come and work things out. Whether you're having problems with a relationship, need a good recipe or could use some help finding a gift, feel free to drop me a line. We're here to help! I'd like to invite readers' input, too. Sometimes it helps to hear a diverse perspective on a problem or an issue to know where you do or ~don't~ want to head with it. Then your path might just light itself!

I've often noticed while reading other advice columns that sometimes the "advisor" doesn't interpret the question the same way I or other readers might. Sometimes it might be helpful to ask a few questions of the "Seeker," flesh the issue out. So I'm really interested in the potential for dialogue with those seeking help, since some problems just can't be asked --- or answered, for that matter --- in a few succinct paragraphs. Sooooo --- what's on your mind? Drop me a line at sophie (a.t) freakinasheville.com and we'll see what we can do to help keep you freakin'! Let me know in your email if you'd like for your question to be "open to discussion" (meaning, I can allow comments from other readers to be posted) --- or NOT! If you don't specify, the default will be to allow input. We're all in this together!

Sophie (seriously)

P.S. Sendin' a shout out to jimdiggitydog for the spectacular graphic (and endorsement) up top and the invitation to serve my fellow man.