Dear Sophie,

I need your help! I just started seeing this guy and I think there's chemistry between us. He's interested, I'm interested and we've been seeing each other for a couple of weeks. We both flirt back and forth with each other but it doesn't really go beyond that. I'm afraid that if I make the first move, I'll scare him off. He might be afraid of the same thing, but I don't know how to find out without having a really awkward conversation that could blow the whole thing. I really want to get physical, but not if it costs me the whole relationship.

What should I do?

Itchy

Dear Itchy,

Okay, I do have an idea for you. If I read between the lines correctly here, you haven't even had a goodnight kiss yet (which is the ultimate ice-breaker). A great way to break that ice is a method taught to me by a dear friend about 25 years ago. This guy was smoooooooth and had no shame (which can be a good thing sometimes). He had a very light-hearted approach to new relationships and his dates took his cue and didn't attach a lot of angst to those early decisions like when to call, when to kiss, etc.

Here's his idea: When you meet each other for the date, right at the beginning, say, "Listen, we both know how suspenseful it can be wondering what our goodnight kiss might be like, and if we'll even have one. Well, I LOVE goodnight kisses and I don't want to spend our time together being distracted wondering about it. So let's just get that out of the way right now, have our goodnight kiss and then we can both relax and enjoy our time together." VOILA!

I have witnessed this technique being used a time or two to break the ice and it doesn't convey any heavy drama or expectations, just that you love to kiss! The mood of the evening inevitably ends up very positive and warm and of course, kissing CAN lead to harder drugs! (~wink, nudge~)

So if you've already kissed or made out and are wondering about the next step, I'd say you could use this GoodNight Kiss (GNK) technique even now and see where it leads. What do you have to lose?

Hope it works out well for you!

Love'n'such,
Sophie

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

A friend and I were talking last night about how to deal with the depression that can come about as the result of the change of the seasons. The cooler weather and the promise of bone-chilling cold, the loss of greenery and the impending holidays all spell depression for some folks. Not for me, though! I love this time of year the best of all.

But for those who do suffer seasonal depression, I have a recommendation for you. Among other tools (like hot coffee spiked with Bailey's, my fireplace, etc.), I have in my arsenal BEDDING THERAPY. How does it work? It takes a little investment, I'll admit, but you can start slowly and build.

I have a bed that is to die for! Waking up and going to bed have new meaning when you max out the comfort of your bed. Mine has two full-sized real sheepskin on top of my perfectly-firm mattress. (For those who love a really firm mattress, try an all-cotton futon mattress on a waterbed box frame.) On top of the sheepskin are my 600-count Egyptian cotton sheets that I picked up on sale for around $50 for the set. I got two, so that I could alternate them in the wash.

In my bedding cabinet (a funky old wardrobe I scored from an antique booth at Smiley's), I store several ultra-soft fleece blankets, a few good quality handmade quilts and my prize of all prizes ... a king-sized goose down comforter for those months (Jan-Feb) that I term "deep winter." Goose down pillows (load up, you're worth it---I have six!) complete the decadence.

Any sort of bedding indulgence helps, and the more love you heap upon your bed, the more love will be waiting for you when you crawl in (not to mention the added benefit of tactile sensuality you can share with your bedmate/s!). You can be dirt poor, stressed out, discouraged, downtrodden and insecure but when you crawl into a bed that sleeps like a cloud, everything goes away. In addition to the comfort offered in your waking moments, you will sleep like a baby ... and a good night's sleep is good medicine too!

So, if you haven't already (and even if you have), go out and acquire something for your bed that will make it your little slice of heaven. Having a bedding fetish is among the most innocuous of all fetishes, and it will have lasting effects on your psyche as well as your physical sense of well-being. It's nourishment, in the true sense of the word.

And if you find anything good (especially if it's on sale), LET ME KNOW!

Much love,
Sophie

PS ... Thanks for your support and letters! I will begin answering them soon!

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

I am helping a friend sort out a confusing, perplexing situation with a fellow in her life. It's the same-old, same-old. Why does someone pursue us only to duck out at the last minute and leave us hanging? Why go through the trouble of asking for a phone number one is never going to use? Any time that a behavior seems to be in conflict with the perceptions we have about the situation, we begin to question, "Why?"

Unfortunately, most of us begin that process of figuring out why someone behaved a certain way by turning the scope on ourselves first. "What did I do wrong?" Women especially are prone to immediately assume the responsibility (whether willingly/happily or not) for being the stimulus behind that behavior. "Was I too much? Not enough?" But, of course, we know that's rarely the case. We know it well enough to tell our friends that when THEY are going through it, but often we don't remember it so well when we are comforting and nurturing our own egos.

But the point I want to make really has to do with acknowledging multiple motivations. Rarely is a decision or a behavior based on one single motivation or needs, but rather a complex web of competing needs and emotions (some rational and some not so rational).

The overly-simplistic illustration of this was on an episode of "Sex and the City" where Miranda was wondering why a fellow didn't call. Later, she thinks she has it figured out after hearing about the "He's just not that into you" theory. Her date declines an invitation to "come up for a drink" and she decides to let him off the hook by telling him it's okay, it's okay if he's not into her. But the problem was simply that dinner didn't sit well with him and he needed a bathroom fast (and of course didn't want it to be hers). So her first two responses would have been, "Why doesn't he like me?" and "It's okay if you don't like me." It never occurred to her that there was a much simpler reason that had nothing to do with her, or that his motivation to go was competing with his motivation to stay (and winning, for obvious reasons). It's impossible for us to know all those motivations and how they weigh into the equation.

The more complex and probably more common multiplicity of motivations would manifest in more subtle ways and often leave us mystfied. Longing for love and affiliation, sex and romance, company and compassion compete with a variety of different kinds and levels of fear. We push, we pull. We pull, we push. We can't stand the heat, but we can't pry ourselves out of the kitchen.

Here's another example of how we misinterpret the words and actions of others: I've heard this story many times in many contexts and it always reminds me not to judge people's motivations and behaviors.

Once a man is sitting on a subway and there are several children going ape around him. They're jumping in and out of the aisles, running into the legs of passengers, yelling loudly and being generally out of control. Their apparent father is staring blankly out the window and paying no attention to his sons' behavior or the growing agitation of those around him. Finally, one of the passengers speaks up rather sharply, "Can't you control your children? What is your problem? Do you just not care how they turn out? What kind of father are you?"

And so the father turned to his critics and softly apologized, "I'm so sorry, I'm not really sure what to do. Their mother just died in the hospital this morning and we're going home now to an empty house and I'm just not sure how I'm going to handle them and everything else. I'm really sorry that they bothered you."

Of course, that knowledge changes everything, doesn't it? Suddenly we can forgive his shortcomings as a father and look the other way, or interact with the children in a more compassionate manner than just glaring at them over our newspapers.

We don't know what lurks in the hearts and minds of our fellow humans. We can't begin to understand another person's motivations, especially when we're not too terribly clear on our own. We are all often motivated by longing in one direction and fear in another direction. Fear often wins when longing should, and vice versa (such as when people commit unspeakable acts upon each other with no apparent fear of reprisal or concern for harm done). If we can approach every human interaction (even those which disappoint and hurt us) with compassion and forgiveness, and a certain blind faith regarding each person's attempts to DO THE BEST THEY CAN, then the disappointments we heap upon each other might get just a little easier to bear. If the discomforts of another person's behavior cause us pain in a manner that becomes a pattern, we have to stop and question our own motivation for continuing to subject ourselves to it. What motivates a person to choose pain and loneliness every day?

What motivates us? Everything. Everything that happens to us (or has ever happened to us) motivates our behaviors. By making the arena for interactions with each other as safe and forgiving as possible, we coax each other out of our shells and into the very scary and very fun game of love. And I'm not just talking about romantic/sexual love or love of family and friends. I'm talking about the love that binds humanity and makes it possible for us to share space and resources ... love of fellow human. Sometimes, that's the hardest kind.

Love,
Sophie

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

A dear, dear friend of mine called me this morning and asked if he could get my advice. (I love it when that happens!) He is seeing a woman who is extricating herself from a failed marriage and the situation is and has been really messy. She's in no financial position to just begin with a fresh new home full of new belongings and the material things from their shared life are constant reminders of the pain and suffering they shared and, most likely, angry feelings about the way things were going with the divorce. Is eradication of these things from their lives necessary for moving on? Can one "make peace" with material belongings infused with our darker histories?

I recommended a ceremony of some kind, whether it be a traditional smudging with smoking herbs or a purification ritual of simply taking a hot shower with candles and scent in the air. Maybe a series of long hikes in the forest to realign ourselves, to stir the pot that is our soul and work those things that have sunk to the bottom of the soup back into the diffused joy of daily life. In that sense, they take on new contexts. Contextual meaning can be everything. Think about that song that brings a lump to your throat or tears to your eyes every time you hear it, which is always by surprise because you would never intentionally put yourself through that. Is the song lost to you forever? Or can you stir it back into the soup and find new relevance, new meaning, new context by which to still love it?

Think about the things you have let sink to the bottom ... and whether they are worth retrieving. In the end, there are some we want back and some things we think best left there or thrown out with the scraps and replaced entirely. Or not ever replaced, simply ... no longer there.

In my house? Something old, something new.

Speaking of new ... a shout out to V.H., a diamond I found and am holding onto. She is light, she is joy, she is the epitome of love incarnate. We all admire her.

Love,
Sophie

(Communicate via sophieseriously at gmail dot com)

Some Kiss We Want

There is some kiss we want with
our whole lives, the touch of
spirit on the body. Seawater
begs the pearl to break its shell.
And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild darling! At
night, I open the window and ask
the moon to come and press its
face against mine. Breathe into
me. Close the language door and
open the love window. The moon
won't use the door, only the window.

---Rumi/Translator: Coleman Barks

Love, Sophie

sophieseriously ...at... gmail.com

Last night I attended a reading and talk by Dr. Bud Harris, author of The Fire and the Rose: Wedding of Spirituality and Sexuality. It was an intimate gathering in Accent on Books on Merrimon Avenue in Asheville, NC. I wasn't quite sure what to expect and so was glad for the opportunity to simply sit and listen to his readings, his presentation and the subsequent discussion, which moved beyond the standard Q&A format pretty quickly. I bought the book and am reading it now, so don't have tremendous insights to offer other than this wonderful quote from the book:

"Conventional wisdom fears passion because it may thrust us blindly out of the pinched shoes of propriety and the roles we've been shoehorned into by family and society, and into the chaos of ecstasy or despair. Whether recognized or not, passion fuels the divine courses of our sexuality and spirituality until either they come together in a blossoming tree of fire or we shrink back into the safety of provisional lives."

He described the nature of the relationship of spirituality and sexuality not as polar opposites or opposing forces in our hearts and minds, but rather as the complementary elements of yin and yang which work in synergy and balance to complete us, to make us whole and fully engaged in the pursuit of our fulfillment.

"When these forces become separate and isolated they aggessively turn on each other and their outuput is destructive. Reconsidering the things we think we already understand about sexuality and spirituality as opposites will help us bring them back into a circle of relatedness--the circle of the soul."

He spoke very eloquently and lyrically on the elements of love, spirituality, Oneness with Nature, sexuality, passion ... one particularly beautiful analogy was in reference to the importance of loving oneself first and wholly. He said that love for oneself is like water filling a pond. Only once the pond is filled with water can it overflow to that which surrounds it.

His message was not one of reassurance, necessarily, so much as an invitation into the chaos and "terror" (as well as the utter joy, satisfaction and fulfillment) that living fully in pursuit of wholeness evokes. It's an offer we can't refuse.

"To feel the sense of wholeness supporting life is like coming home to ourselves. It is a moment of joy and serenity. And while it's a moment we can enjoy, it's not one we can hold on to. If we try, the effort will imprison us in the same way that never wanting to leave home can prevent our journey from continuing."

Let's join the Dance!

Love,
Sophie

Dr. Bud Harris is a Jungian analyst in private practice in Asheville, NC. His book The Fire and the Rose: The Wedding of Spirituality and Sexuality is available at Accent on Books on Merrimon Avenue in Asheville.

This is used with permission from the author as well:

"the things that we tend to let go (in the mad rush that is Life) are the most life-sustaining ... they are sensory. think about the most fulfilling gifts life has to offer us and they all tie into the indulgence of senses ... the touch of warm skin, a puppy lick, a child's hand in ours ... the smell of beautiful haunting scents, warm freshly baked bread, the fresh cut grass of summer ... the sound of soul satisfying music, the voice of our beloveds, the laughter of children ... the taste of cool pure water, our favorite ice cream, the flavor of our morning coffee or tea ... the sight of home as we approach, the way someone special looked at us as we said goodbye, our children's faces as they sleep ... it's all about taking care of ourselves. that's not selfish. it's nurturing. like the fishes and the loaves, we can only share that which we allow ourselves in plenty. how can we spread the lovingness and goodness that we don't allow for ourselves?

it's not enough to make money and buy things and stay in motion, producing and proving to the world our worth. our worth as humans is made real by our acknowledgement of our sensory needs and our pursuit of that deepest level of sustenance that makes everything else possible ..."

Love,
Sophie

Used with permission from the author:



"self-improvement is overrated ... it often leads to disappointment, disillusionment, despair ... there is a way to approach a similar process as GROWTH (words are very important here) and to approach the process of that growth with the idea that limbs or leaves being pruned are not weaknesses or illnesses, but important aspects of your "tree" that once served a purpose, are a part of the beautiful you, and simply no longer serve a purpose. letting go of those things lovingly and gently is very different from putting your face in them, dealing with them, improving yourself ... the leaves become nourishment for your growth, the limbs can be burned in the fire that fuels your soul ... everything that has ever been a part of you is good, beautiful, perfect ... even the parts that make you cringe to think about. you must stop cringing when you look at yourself ... you need no improvement ... you are perfect as you are sitting there now reading this. there are aspects of yourself that serve your happiness and growth better than others, and you will prune them away when the time is right ... "

Love,
Sophie