Ohmigod! Marshmallows come in FLAVORS! And if you google "raspberry marshmallows" you get lots of recipes! Hot cocoa will never be the same. But then again, the recipes recommend chocolate fondue.

I think fondue pots should come back into vogue. Cheese fondue is even better than chocolate. Let's start them back up by giving fondue pots as gifts to all our Beloveds. I can see fondue and cold beer (whatever happened to Chihuahua?) on the porch or patio in summer (sterno is a wonderful invention, be sure to get a pot that's not electric) and in front of the fireplace in winter.

And an added unrelated consumer tip: if having the ultimate razor is of interest to you (and if it's not, it could be after you try it), the Schick Quattro is AMAZING! Four blades. Stock up. It's the time of year for skin on skin under feathery covers, and this razor actually changes the feel of your skin. It's that good. A light rub of almond oil on still damp skin and you will feel like velvet. And you know how we love velvet!

Happy Wednesday!

Love,
Sophie

I've heard a lot about holiday depression lately. A sinking feeling that comes with Halloween and doesn't clear until after the New Year. Some withdraw completely and others might walk around in a fog of isolation, feeling invisible (and even liking it that way) or mildly frightened by the decadence or hopeless in the gift-wrapped reminder that another year has passed and the time has come for reflection.

The thing to remember is that it's all so very relative. If you think of the world in a much larger perspective, outside of the paradigms of your existence (your neighborhood, your social class, your people, your experiences, your history, your tastes and distastes), you can't help but be reminded of a few things. Like how incredibly lucky you are, no matter who you are. And how little those things matter. THOSE THINGS being the money, the perfect body, the fast car, the immaculate house, the enviable job. When you think about it, we're all struggling in some way or another and you can't really tell by looking at someone, even someone you know well, and assume how easy or hard are their struggles.

As far as I know, and speaking strictly from my own experience, the root of most people's depression is in the despair they get from comparing themselves to others they consider more fortunate. The sad thing, the counterproductive aspect of that practice, is that they look at the wrong things, the wrong people. For those depressed, they see only their own failings rather than their own blessings and they see only the blessings of others, rather than their struggles.

In other words, if the same practice were applied to those struggling with adversity rather than winning the lottery---we would be reminded not only of how very fortunate we each are, but that we are not alone in our struggles. The feeling of isolation comes from believing that no one understands us, no one appreciates us, no one cares about our struggles. In fact, many of those we are observing passively with envy are themselves observing us with the same level of envy because they are likewise unaware.

It is an utter waste for us to continue to walk through our days in isolation; we owe it to ourselves and to each other to DO THE HARD THING and burst out of our bubble to not only SEE what others' lives are like, but to support them as we would like to be supported.

Strangely enough, once we start helping someone else, that feeling of productivity and purpose is soooooo therapeutic.

So this holiday season, if you are struggling with depression, give yourself a gift: volunteer for a local nonprofit. Call the United Way and they can guide you to a cause that needs you most and which fits your interests and talents. Everyone has interests and talents, even if it's sitting and reading to an elderly patient long forgotten by family or delivering a meal to a homebound neighbor. You can't participate in life and hold on to your depression.

Hopefully it goes without saying that if your depression comes to the point of limiting you in terms of work or home life, or if you have feelings of wanting to hurt someone or yourself, a professional must get involved. If you know someone who is suffering to that extent, your support can help make that connection with professional resources.

Are we our brothers keeper? Absolutely. Otherwise, why are we here?

Love,
Sophie

My Thanksgiving was no less than fantastic. Of course, there were mishaps. But there were really great saves, too. When the caramel on the pie apples got scorched, we rinsed the apple slices and started over. The dough was too warm and tore all to hell, but we added a little flour and re-rolled it. When the gravy got lumpy as it cooled, I added a little water, stuck it in the microwave to reheat it and kept going. No one even noticed the chaos.

The quote of the day: "It's like Christmas at Thanksgiving, only with Halloween candy and voodoo dolls!"

A good time was had by all.

Love,
Sophie

Thanksgiving Day can present special challenges. How to spend time around PEOPLE without losing that warm fuzzy feeling and ending up in the fetal position in bed tonight?

The thing I try to remember most, going into it, is, "How do I want to be remembered when this day is done?" However fleeting the joy of needling someone who deserves it may be, even more enduring are the queasy feeling I will have in my own gut and the effects of that behavior on other people. Again, it's not about whether they deserve it or not. I know, I know there is revenge to be exacted or Ms. Righteous-to-be-Reminded of just how whatever and blah, blah, blah ...

But this year, especially (ESPECIALLY) if there are children present, don't go there. Don't be the star in yet another archived Miserable Holiday. Don't choose to allow yourself to be engaged by other people's neediness and pain. Don't choose to let the comments and suggestions (ohhhh, the SUGGESTIONS!) that others offer to improve your life and health and success lure you down the wrong path.

Today, be the smiling, glowing Gandhi or Mother Teresa who lives within you.

Just don't do it. You can make a million excuses (all valid, no less!) about why it's only reasonable, only fair for you to just SAY it. So many wicked statements begin with, "I was just saying..."

So for today, for tomorrow, for Saturday and every day---but just for that one day---don't say it. You'll be happier in the long run.

Love,
Sophie

This is a really good time to introduce you to Hove Parfumeur, an old, ooooold favorite of mine. This family-owned old-fashioned parfumery sits in the heart of the French Quarter in New Orleans and offers a wide variety of very unique, haunting scents. If I were going to New Orleans, I would not miss a visit to this shop but even those travel-challenged like myself can enjoy the mystique from far, far away. They are online! (Linked from my favorites bar for your continuing convenience.)

Hove has provided me my signature scent, which I wear when I'm on the prowl. But it also inspired me to expand my interest beyond aromatherapy and pure essential oils into the exploration of infused natural scent oils. My favorites are light florals like lilac and gardenia, blended with light touches of essential oils like sandalwood and amber.

Scent, even without the therapeutic properties of essential oils, is a powerful influence on our happiness and health. Any sensory stimulation is going to impact our psyches and physiologies in ways very easily explained and completely mystifying. But we are human animals after all. We can insulate our connection to our natural environment, but we can never completely severe the relationship. Thank goodness!

Do you like the way you smell? Does your home invite you in with its scent? Do you experiment with new scents and their influence on your world? It's worthy research.

Love a bunch,
Sophie

Gentle Reader, you should know about Cary Tennis. He is my hero, the ultimate advice columnist. Here is a particularly good column.

O! Happy Sunday! It is a fire day, a walk day, a good day for outside chores so that I can blend a few hours of productivity with a breath of that golden air.

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Let us go and make our visit.
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.
And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair -
(They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!")
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin -
(They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!")
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all -
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?
And I have known the eyes already, known them all -
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?
And I have known the arms already, known them all -
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
(But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!)
Is it perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?...
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep ... tired ... or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet - and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all" -
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I meant at all."
That is not it, at all.
And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor -
And this, and so much more? -
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
"That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all."
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous -
Almost, at times, the Fool.
I grow old ... I grow old...
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown

The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock
by T.S. Eliot

LOVE!
Sophie

Thanksgiving is only a week away! It seems so strange when summer bumps right up against snow and turkey. I was watching snow blow against a backdrop of bright gold and red leaves today. And I'm grateful for the firewood I had left over from last winter. It's a good time now to order your green wood, while (and if) you still have dry wood to mix with it. It's never too early to begin your search for your yule log.

I don't feel guilty about both dreading and looking forward to the labor involved in the creation of a huge Thanksgiving dinner. Over the years, I've learned that it helps to standardize the menu, the schedule of tasks, the preparation. Accept help! Assign tasks!

Today, I am thinking of sharpening knives, collecting the vessels for cooking and serving that are in storage every other week of the year and checking my lists and pantry. I have my turkey, which now hangs frozen on the back porch as it does every year while I make room in the fridge (but only when we get these cooooold night temps to keep it frozen).

It's a good time now for us to stop and to collect our thoughts, to focus on the mission and the meaning of our work; to remember, after all, that we are already so very blessed.

If you live without violence and if you live without hunger, you are among the most blessed minority of humans not only today, in this moment, but EVER in the history of this planet. Which still begs the question, "Why me?"

And if you know someone who suffers with violence, or with hunger, now is the time, today is the day, to step forward and to take action on their behalf, even if anonymously. If you don't know anyone who suffers violence or hunger, please consider finding a way to help those you don't know, for they surely exist. Sometimes closer than we think.

Love,
Sophie

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

Please, will you please go watch this video? I tried to embed it and the damnable code won't work. Be sure to hit the little black box next to the volume control under the video. It will make it go full screen. I love this video. I'm planning my upload.

Love,
Sophie

Admittedly, there are more than a few women who are the meek one in their respective relationships, too. Same dynamic applies, regardless of gender.

It's scary to be the one being coaxed into sexual wilderness, especially if there's a lack of experience in that realm. I would recommend talking a lot first in an intimate moment when there is no pressure to act. This would be great stuff for that afterglow pillow talk phase of the evening. Make sure you're all intertwined and plant nose kisses in between sentences and talk about the things that make you tingle. Maybe starting off with something neither person has experienced will help balance things out during the warm-up phase of exploration.

You should have a ground rule. You only need one. Neither partner should ever have to fear ridicule or judgement based on a fantasy. If you cannot hear that your partner loves to kiss feet or enjoys wearing silky panties under his golf pants, don't ask. It's entirely possible that you're incompatible sexually, but being different doesn't necessarily mean being incompatible. Being willing and able to indulge each other's sexual idiosyncrasies (within mutually safe--emotionally and physically--boundaries) will create an environment of lovingness, playfulness and trust that will spill over into other areas of your relationship and daily lives.

Above all, we must be willing to laugh, with each other and at ourselves. Start small. Dig deep. We all have in us a curious, tender being. Feeling safe and loved is the absolute best feathering we can do to our nest in order to "hatch" ourselves into living and loving fully.

Love,
Sophie

“It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird; it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.”

— C.S. Lewis

Hey Sophie,

I'm just not sure what to do.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world and am married to the most wonderful man I've ever met. In some ways, I can't believe I'm so lucky. Hee 's kind, honest, funny, smart and accomplished. He genuinely cares about my family and he's fiscally responsible and all that good stuff. But of course, there's always something. Right?

The issue at hand is that he's pretty boring in bed. He's even well-endowed but seems clueless about what to do with it. This isn't a matter of our being together so long that we're bored, he's just never opened himself up to the possibilities of erotic stimulation. I'm not even sure if he has fantasies or not. We've been married 3 years and he can't bring himself to even talk about sex with me.

I knew this was the case all along, of course, but I thought that because I had a somewhat adventurous sex life before we met, that I could satisfy myself with less spice in exchange for all the other good things I found in him. I have read your column and know that you don't condemn erotica, but enjoying it by myself is getting pretty boring.

Now I find my mind wandering and taking care of my own needs just isn't getting it anymore. I'm afraid that I might be slipping down the road toward having an affair. But I'm still madly in love with this man and I don't want to lose him. Now I know what all those people mean when they say, "it was just the sex!"

So .......... any advice?

Horny in Hendersonville

Dear HiH,

Oh, yes, this is quite the dilemma. And it's one of those situations that is so hard to evaluate because we are a people (as humans) who love to place blame. Usually, our attempts at problem-solving are to identify a villain, point the finger and punish into submission. What's ironic is that there is very rarely actually someone who is blatantly at fault in a situation.

And so the best approach is to consider (and even go so far as to LIST) your options and their possible ramifications in your life. Let's start there. As far as I can think, you have these potential options, among others possible:

1) You can leave this man. Benefits: your integrity intact. Drawbacks: You lose quite possibly the love-of-your-life for experiences that may actually seem shallow without him. The great sex you enjoyed before you met him were BEFORE you met him. It's possible that you won't be able to recreate the passion and zest because your options for partners have changed and your mind and heart were dramatically changed by your knowing this man existed.

2) You can stay with this man and remain faithful. Benefits: your integrity intact. You get to remain married to a man with whom you are deeply in love. Drawbacks: Your sex life gets boring, OR you have to work very hard and risk a lot emotionally to assert your needs with this man. That is perhaps the fear that is right now guiding your heart to the greater extent than the interest in wilder sex. It's possible that in addition to having a legitimate need for sexual satisfaction, you are somehow eliminating him as a potential source of that satisfaction because you have an emotional fear of the battering you could take emotionally in the process of communicating this need to him and pursuing it as a couple. There is certainly the possibility that he will find your interest distasteful, or that his own insecurities inspire him to use condemnation as a form of denial in his own struggles. This stuff is layers deep, after all. The issue obviously represents more to both of you than the simple physical act of sharing, and if you do decide to stay and remain faithful, your options are narrowed to two. Do something about it or do nothing about it. Both are scary, I would say.

3) You can stay with this man and secretly have other partners. Benefits: Having your cake and eating it too. Drawbacks: Might not last long. It would be like taking hard drugs. You'd have this incredible short-term high but the situation would eventually implode because the nature of life is change. You will get caught, your sex buddy will caught, he will lose interest, you will lose interest, you will get sick, other circumstances will interfere at some point and the possible ramifications of those possible changes are too numerous to list. You would have to know that realistically, you can get by with a double life for a limited (if extended) period of time. The insecurity of not knowing when it will blow, or the entanglement of managing the secrecy would be stressful and exhausting to most.

4) You can stay with this man and openly have other partners. Benefits: Having your cake and eating it too. Drawbacks: You have to take huge emotional risks in how your husband might react to your interest in other partners. Would this activity include him? Not include him? Is he amenable to even discussing it? Will he lose interest in marriage to you? Will he call you a slut? Will he think you're crazy? Will he try to get you "help" and think you are broken and need to be fixed just because you have the need for engaging sex? Again, those are huge risks. And it comes down to priorities.

Do you want emotional safety or do you want emotional fulfillment (and sex is as much about emotional fulfillment as physical, even in the most primal of interactions)? Do you want a rush, or do you want the reassurance and pride associated with personal integrity and a sense of loyalty to your life partner?

In some ways, it's very complicated and in some ways it's also very simple. My advice? I would stay home with my husband, and I would find the courage and resources to take the huge emotional risk of trying to incorporate him into my sexual life. It may be that he doesn't feel welcome there yet. It may be that he has issues of his own and he has a fear of being welcome there. Lots of pressure, especially if he doesn't have as textured a sexual history as you seem to have. You may be subtly avoiding the invitation for the need to protect the nature of your relationship with him, which sounds enviable.

The safest environment for this endeavor of mutual honesty and exploration is with a professional therapist whose values you share. I personally think that it's virtually impossible for a therapist to be totally objective, even when they don't render advice. Finding an appropriate guide for the process will involve doing some homework, both in terms of the professional integrity (checking license history) as well as getting personal references or at least having preliminary talks about values and goals before investing too much of your heart and money into someone. Finding a therapist who specializes in sex therapy could be helpful, but is not necessary if you "click" with someone who is more of a generalist. Because sex is so often considered a moral issue, I think it's entirely fair for you to ask a potential therapist about their religious convictions. If they are not willing to talk about themselves and their personal perspective (without details, just to give you an idea of their base perspective), then I would personally avoid hiring that person for this mission.

If you have the confidence in your ability to self-manage the process, it could be perceived as less threatening and less risky to your husband. These matters are extremely delicate and its possible that he has not even processed these issues internally. Proceed with caution.

It's true that there are risks no matter which option you choose. I would personally rather risk my own emotional capital than risk someone else's. Then at least if there is a loss, if there is a calamity that knocks us down, I know that I can recover. I know that. There is no doubt in my mind that I will always recover, because the things that can't be repaired (like integrity) are always still intact. Whatever you do, be guided by love and by integrity. That's always the least risky choice of all, in the long run.

I'd love to hear how this turns out. Please consider writing again.

Love,
Sophie

In case you haven't noticed, I've added some links to the side of the blog. Really cool stuff. Please pay particular note to Second Life, an amazing virtual world into which our "real world" is being integrated. You can go there and get an avatar (a person, really, who represents you in any manner you choose, right down to the length of your eyelashes, the pointiness of your ears and the sag of your breasts) for free and wander the world of Second Life aimlessly indefinitely, meeting people and seeing the thousands of islands folks have created. Second Life is being used to conduct business, online education and sociopolitical events, among other functions. In fact, anything you can do here, you can do there, "in world" as they say. Even have sex! (And even deviant sex at that!) In fact, you can do more there than here in some cases. You can fly from island to island, or you can simply walk in between on the ocean floor. You can teleport, too. Every person you see is another person somewhere in our "real world" who is logged in and in the same place, at the same time that you are. It's extremely fascinating and SO much fun!

Once you decide you want to start buying clothes and building things, you'll need money. The Linden dollar trades against standard currencies, and I've heard is doing better than the dollar!

You will be hearing a LOT about Second Life in coming months and years. It's a phenomenon that is getting worldwide attention and participation. Get your avatar now and see what all the fuss is about.

And while you're at it, check out Radio Lab, and click into Season One archives and listen to the show on "emergence," which is very much what Second Life is all about.

It's a brave new world. Wanna come out and play???

Love,
Sophie

Ahhhh, my free hour finally arrives! What to do with it?

Productivity? Or decadence?

Is it any coincidence that our extra hour arrives during that one truly perfect weekend of the year when the forest is at its most beautiful, the light is most golden and the air is sweeter than any other day?

And fire at the end of the day ... if you don't have a fireplace, get a bunch of candles. If you have a place outside, a fire bowl. But this day must end with fire ...

Love,
Sophie

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

I need to bring to your attention the Web site CDBaby.com. According to its own Web site,

CD Baby is a little online record store that sells albums by independent musicians.

[In•de•pen•dent: (adj.) Not having sold one's life, career, and creative works over to a corporation.]

We're just a bunch of people in a cool Portland, Oregon, warehouse that looks like a playground. We listen to every album we sell before we sell it, so we can help
you find other albums you'll like.

We only sell music that comes directly from the musicians. No distributors. Musicians send us their music. We digitize and warehouse, sell them to you, and pay the musicians directly.

Cool thing: in a regular record deal or distribution deal, musicians only make $1-$2 per album, if they ever get paid by their label. When selling through CD Baby, musicians make $6-$12 per album, and get paid weekly.

In business, and thriving, since March 1998. We're one of the largest sellers of independent music on the web.

It will have a permanent place on this page. Please show them love!

Love,
Sophie