Dear Gentle Reader:

I've been listening to the news and being overwhelmed by the medical risks we face in our day-to-day living. Various forms of heart disease and cancer seem to be at the top of our risk list. People take extraordinary measures to lose weight, to stop smoking and to avoid risk factors as they are presented by ever-changing modern research. Eating nuts is bad on one diet, but good for you on another. Faux foods present us an opportunity to 'have our cake and eat it too.' And yet heart disease and cancer rates continue to rise.

Not being a medical doctor, I wonder why I've been so lucky all these years. I attribute my good health to a combination of genes, moderately good choices and a two rules that I stick to religiously.

I get plenty of sleep and I drink mostly water. I've also been exercising much more frequently for about the past year and I'm convinced that it has contributed greatly to my overall health, physical as well as mental.

Physical wellness definitely affects mental health and mental health likewise affects physical well-being. Carrying around emotional pain, bitterness, anger are a terrible burden on our bodies as well as our hearts. Studies show that laughter and love are good for our bodies!

How about you? What are your rules for healthful living? Please feel free to share with the class. We could use all the help we can get!

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Dear Sophie,

Where have you been? Are you coming back?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Sorry for the lapse in communication, I'm still here! There's a LOT going on in my Other Life and I've simply had to refocus for awhile to get some things accomplished and explore new opportunities.

I'm here if you need me. Otherwise, look for another post before the weekend is out.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com­

­

The following comment was posted anonymously today:

Gentle readers and responders:

"Whoever defines the words, defines the debate." --- Unknown

I have followed the discussion around Sophie's responses to 'Woman Scorned' with great curiousity, on professional and personal levels, for any number of reasons. As a professional 'helper', licensed to provide clinical services, with 25 years experience providing counseling services around the full gamut of human problems/issues in living, my interest was piqued by the vehemence of critical response to Sophie's input to 'WS'.

I can, therefore, easily relate to and understand the 'cautionary' input from other professional providers, and the personal experiences of the woman in relationship to a sexual addict. Yes, it's certainly possible that WS's spouse IS a sex addict. My opening quotation, of course references the possibility that the subject of this 'debate' isn't necessarily exhibiting 'pathological' behavior. My central point is that noone involved in the present discussion has sufficient information to make this determination. PERIOD!

I'm perturbed by the authorative 'tone' of the 'professional' response, in particular. Are you in the habit of assigning diagnostic labels to individuals with whom you've had absolutely no face-to-face contact?

How routinely do you base your professional assessments on so little information? Can any positive purpose be achieved by assigning a pejorative, negative value carrying diagnostic label to an individual you haven't even met? Can we agree on a central guiding principle of any and all helping professions as: 'First, do no harm'? I hope so, as here's my second and even larger interest in this 'lively' discussion, and where I'd like to take this exchange to a deeper level....

'Whoever defines the words, defines the debate.....' This quote gets to the root issues involved, it seems to me. 'Labelling' any issue logically determines the plan of action to address it. Problems or issues which aren't 'named' accurately or appropriately, thus, can't be corrected or fixed, obviously. A key and bedrock bottom piece is missing in this discussion, it seems to me, although it's suggested by the vehemence of the 'you're so wrong, I'm/we're so right' tone from the responses to Sophie.

POWER is at the core here, and the 'missing piece' no one is referencing directly. Each and every single one of us can do more right for others and ourselves by learning to look harder and deeper at how and where power operates in our daily lives, in our professional and personal lives.

Each of us has some degree of personal power, likewise, each and every one of us gives up at least some of that precious private 'stock', as well. Furthermore, those with the least of it seem altogether numb and ill-informed as to how POWER operates, in a culture where those with more POWER appear to exercise theirs without being conscious and aware of it's unintended consequences and effects.

All professional 'helpers' have significant 'power over others' by virtue of definition as expert and the accompanying status. It's been my experience that 'power with others' is a much more effective core value and mind-set in the 'business' of making positive change in 'maladaptive', 'abnormal' human behavior. If nothing else, the current exchange illustrates clearly that 'pathology' is in the eyes of 'beholders', making their own assumptions, based on personal experience/training. The 'subject' of this discussion is an INDIVIDUAL, personally known only by the person seeking Sophie's advice! He may or may not be a sex addict; we don't even know what 'porn' he's been caught looking at. Are we talking about sex acts, or exhibited bodies, for example? Human sexuality is complex, complicated and quite mysterious and problematic enough, as is, surely, without self-identified 'experts' passing judgement and assigning stigmatizing, shaming 'labels' to individuals they haven't met?

No one is an expert about any person they don't know: more and more of us recognize our selves as experts on our own lives, and most certainly have some RIGHTS to expect some INPUT in what directly affects us. The willingness to label anyone's behavior so negatively, sight unseen, on anyone's part is questionable for its lack of common courtesy and good manners.

As a professional clinician, I'm appalled at the lack of respect for human dignity evidenced in another professionals immediate leap to label any other person's behavior in the most toxic way possible, with only second-hand information from an 'other', equally unknown. Without more information, it's irresponsible and dangerous; might well make an obviously troubled marriage worse, or even end it. First, do no harm!

I'm troubled by the smug certainty of the professionals conclusion of sexual addiction, as well. We see what we look for, and don't know what we don't know.

Facile, but still true. We all view life thru the lens of our experience, learning, education, vocations; we all generalize in the attempt to make order, and feel some control in life. It's largely delusion, but human. From and thru the lens of treating addiction, addiction is what you see. Focus on a discrete 'subset' of the infinite variety of factors causing human misery and maladaptive behaviors is a disservice without a solid competent and thorough assessment. An open, inquiring mind is required to accomplish this, not tunnel vision! 'Cleaning windows' is a cherished metaphor in my personal practice of providing therapy: the professional responding would do better by his or her clients by pausing to apply strong cleaner along with mindful attention to their own dingy windows.

---Unsigned Comment posted 3/14/2005

Touché! Thanks for your participation in the conversation! I hope others will join in as well. And right on regarding the issue of POWER!

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Dear Sophie,

(I sincerely hope that you post this letter, as it needs to be seen.)

Having been married to a sexual addict, I not only have to agree with Anonymous Reader, but will add that the advice you offered to Woman Scorned is not only wrong, but potentially damaging. There is so much wrong with your responses to both letters, I don't even know where to begin.

My advice to you.... Be INFORMED before you offer advice on a sensitive and painful subject you obviously have no knowledge of. An addiction is far more than a "reliance on an activity or behavior on a routine basis". To compare an addiction to the normal activities of daily living such as defecation and grooming completely outlines your ignorance in such matters. Obviously, there is not enough information in Woman Scorned letter to know if her husband is truly sexually addicted and if he is, I can assure you, there are things about her husband she does not know and perhaps never will.

But I CAN say it is obvious from her letter that she feels hurt and betrayed and he "thinks it is no big deal".

Apparently, you do not see pornography and extramarital affairs as a betrayal. Fine, but for many of us who have taken marriage vows, we are under the assumption that our sex life will be exclusive and that no others will be allowed into the realm of oursexual intimacy. I am sure Woman Scorned was under that same assumption.

Nowhere in WS letter did she say that her husband was"viewing porn 3 or 4 times", she stated he was CAUGHT viewing porn 3-4 times. I can assure you, if he was"caught" that many times, his actual viewing has been much greater. Likewise if he was "caught" and WS expressed her discomfort at his viewing porn and hecontinued to do it, I suspect he has a problem. It may not be addiction, but he obviously is hurting his wife and potentially damaging his marriage. Unlike you, I do not believe for a moment he was deliberately caught so he can open up the discussion of allowingporn into their marriage. I think it is perfectly plausible that he was "caught" because his viewing behavior is escalating and he is getting more reckless. This happens and is often how spouses of addicts discover pornography addictions.

Yes, men view porn....Many women as well. Couples view it together and in many cases it enhances their sexlife. For others, it becomes something far more sinister. Some are unable to stop themselves and must escalate in both severity and frequency. I happen to side with Susan Sontag who said "What pornographic literature does is precisely to drive a wedge between ones existence as a sexual being - while in ordinary life a healthy person is one who prevents such a gap from opening up".

In your response to Woman Scorned, you have taken a woman who is worried about her marriage, most likely feeling undesirable, "not enough" and made her feel worse by intimating that she is controlling and closedminded and have validated her husbands refrain of "it is no big deal".

Woman scorned NEEDS to see a marriage counselor, and fast. Yes, she needs to talk to her husband, but be warned, if he indeed does have a "problem" she will not get an honest response from him. He will continue to minimize his problem. I will be happy to suggest asupport site for spouses of sexual addicts...Perhaps you may benefit from such a site as well.

Sincerely Concerned

Dear Sincerely Concerned,

Thanks so much for your letter. Of course, I am happy to post it, as well as my response to your sincere concern.

I am sorry that you were married to a sexual addict, but again, I don't assume that anyone enjoying porn is necessarily a sexual addict (in fact, I would guess that there would be a minority percentage of those who use it who would become addicted, and that there would always be other or more intense symptoms besides that one described). Therefore, based on the information in the letter to which I was responding, I had no reason to believe that the husband is a sexual addict. Nor do I have any reason to believe that your experience with a sexually addicted spouse has anything to do with this person's experience. It's possible that it does, but I have been given no reason to believe that. Had the letter included more supporting evidence to your theory, maybe. But just because the wife reports that her husband thinks it's "no big deal" doesn't mean those were his words. There are two sides to every story, my dear.

I consider giving qualified reassurance a much less dangerous practice than doling out unqualified diagnoses based, apparently solely, on your own subjective experience (you are unaware of my background, of course, contrary to your statements). Your implied diagnoses are rather presumptuous. Of course, your experience was completely valid and true for you. Perhaps by reading your perspective, a woman will choose professional help. But I would be remiss in my pursuit of my mission if I said that I agree with you.

You didn't say whether you considered masturbation a form of betrayal? While you're correct that I do not consider the enjoyment of erotica inherently adulterous, where did you get the idea that I thought affairs were not? I must not have made myself clear when I discussed the difference between fantasy and behavior. Trying to control another's thoughts is spooky. Controlling one's own behavior, despite healthy, creative fantasy, is a sign of being mature, well-adjusted, responsible. Trying to control the thoughts or behavior of another person is not typically a healthy pursuit for either party.

Assuming that a person is truly sexually addicted (to me this means more than a level of interest---how is it affecting the rest of his life?), an addiction is not a betrayal of marital vows. Is an alcoholic unfaithful? An obese gambler? The object of an addiction is not something the addicted does TO anyone but him- or herself, although the effects are certainly widespread. But the addiction is self-inflicted. To handle an addiction as a character or moral flaw is not only cruel, but nonproductive, in my opinion.

Your letter is full of "I'm sure" and "obviously"---but all I saw were opinions of yours on matters to which you have no more knowledge than anyone else who read that same brief letter with limited information. And me. Are you so sure of others' intentions, feelings, experiences too? Are you really so clairvoyant or do you know the person who wrote the letter? Or me? Is it possible that there are variations of human experience which don't match identically? Could you possibly be rushing to judgment? That seems much more dangerous to me than the approach that I suggested.

My advice to you.... Be INFORMED before you offer advice on a sensitive and painful subject you obviously have no knowledge of. An addiction is far more than a "reliance on an activity or behavior on a routine basis".

I do believe that this is exactly the point I was making. You read my post too literally. You never stated your definition of addiction. By what standard are you measuring other people's addictions?

What is my opinon worth? I claim no more than to be for entertainment purposes only. The only qualifications I officially claim are that I'm happy and healthy. The details of my background and education are part of my mystery chick persona. It's just take it or leave it.

But I'm still not convinced that any experience with erotica necessarily clinches the diagnosis. There are just too many happily married, well-adjusted folks out there who recognize their (and each other's) primal instincts as being what they are.

In response to:

: if her husband is truly sexually addicted and if he
: is, I can assure you, there are things about her
: husband she does not know and perhaps never will.

I wouldn't doubt that for a second. I think that overreacting ("You're sick! You've betrayed me!") to her husband's interest could easily backfire and damage the intimacy between them, probably permanently. His interest would either be driven deep away from her or killed completely. ("Why doesn't he kiss my toes anymore?") It's certainly best for her to assume the best, give him the benefit of the doubt and learn more about what he's actually doing and why he's really doing it---while he is still so ready and inclined to share. I think it's incredibly naive to think that he was caught accidentally 3 or 4 times; it's too easy to keep such behavior a secret, especially if he knows ahead of time that he will be labelled addicted or a moral freak (in more fundamentalist settings).

The fact that a woman can feel so hurt and betrayed by this behavior is not necessarily an indictment of the behavior. Some people's criteria are questionable. Men and women. Just the fact that it bothers her, in and of itself, does not qualify the behavior or the husband's responsibility to it. If she is being unfairly demanding---based on her own feelings of well-adjustment, without any consideration to his at all---then it would certainly be healthier for their relationship for that to be considered before going to the extreme of labelling this fellow with a tag as strong and potentially damaging as "sexual addict"---wouldn't the wife WANT to at least consider alternatives? Shouldn't she first explore HIS thoughts on HIS thoughts before jumping to her own conclusions about his motivations? Is it possible that they can be incompatible without one of them being sick or demented or depraved or addicted?

Viewing pornography or erotica is simply a form of sexual fantasy. (Being addicted to it is QUITE another matter. No need to raise alarms unless one is presented with relevant information.) Would you say that the romance novels that have titillated women for decades are a form of marital betrayal too? Do you think that there's a difference between reading a Penthouse forum letter and a chapter from a romance novel? There isn't. Do they qualify as betrayal? Only if mutually and expressly agreed upon in advance.

"What pornographic literature does is precisely to drive a wedge between ones existence as a sexual being - while in ordinary life a healthy person is one who prevents such a gap from opening up."

With what precisely do you agree? How so? Drive a wedge between sexual identity and---what? I contend that the sexual being is so much a part of our essence, that there's no such thing as a separation of our selves from our sexual selves. They are one and the same. (Sounds healthy then.) One can either be numb or not, or somewhere in between, depending on our ability to accept variation in ourselves and each other, to allow ourselves the vulnerability to delve into true levels of intimacy.

I had no intention of making you or Woman Scorned or anyone feel badly, just the opposite. I'm saying that the described behavior of the husband is in no way a reflection of his love, integrity, faithfulness, level of attraction. There's no reason for a woman to feel badly about herself, even if the worst case scenario were true and he really was addicted. How could his addiction be because of her? That makes no sense.

As long as anyone continues to see themselves as victim of another's behavior, there's going to be trouble, whether the behavior is addictive or not. She (and anyone in her case) needs to simply decide whether the couple is compatible enough to meet her needs. That's empowering advice. I'm telling her (and anyone in her case) that her sense of beauty, worthiness, sexuality is about what comes from inside of her, from no one else. And that sexual intimacy is achievable if we put away our template diagnoses and work to overcome feelings of inadequacy in comparison with women who are essentially cartoon characters in fantasy lives.

Thanks for your recommendation on the sexual addiction site, but I have no need for it myself nor for anyone I know. I'd be happy to post it on your behalf for anyone interested in the topic. Your sense of alarm, implied diagnoses are interesting---but none too compelling. Your indignation on the subject is interesting, too.

I will grant you that perhaps W.S. needs a marriage counselor to help her sort through the issues. But really, only she and her husband can decide that. I would guess that if they were to seek therapy, they would find the dynamic driving this issue to be very complex and multi-layered. And neither of them to blame for it.

Keep in touch!

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

­­­

Dear Sophie,

Why do we cling to relationships that are hurtful, abusive or neglectful? Why do we want to sleep out in the cold alone when there is warmth to be had? How can he hurt me and think that I can possibly stay?

Confused and Bewildered

Dear C'n'F,

Whoa. Okay, here goes.

We cling to pain because it is predictable. Happiness is less so. It's scarier.

Sleeping out in the cold alone is about space and air. Some folks are claustrophic in a physical sense, some in an emotional or spiritual sense. Open space is fresh air, being tethered is drowning and floating is the safety of constant motion.

Why does he hurt you and think you'll stay? He doesn't think you'll stay. He hopes you'll stay. Why does he hurt you? Intentionally? Isaac Hayes always said (by the time I get to Phoenix, yes he did) something like 'some people wanna go and confuse love and kindness for weakness' and that is so true. Sometimes a person is so unaccustomed to givingness and grace that love and warmth and affection seem to always come in a guise. It's a form of fear, I think, but still. It all becomes this choreographed negotiation of control.

Is it better to be strong or to be kind? If the two had to be mutually exclusive, I'd still go for "kind"---being invulnerable to pain is a sign that there's a lack of investment. Quiet strength is a form of kindness, it's a sense of responsibility that we take in holding ourselves together enough to invite intimacy with others. Perceiving pure kindness, loving grace as weakness is a very common mistake.

But the essence of kindness is its inherent forgiveness and compassion for mistakes. And so while he continually negotiates the emotional separation between you, he is still absorbing the warmth of that reassurance. Strength and love are not mutually exclusive. Sometimes strength is in vulnerability, indulgence, patience. And sometimes it's in the leaving. Only you can decide. You'll know when.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to:

sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

The following letter was posted as a comment on yesterday's column but because of formatting issues on the page, appears invisible. I am reposting it with my response:

Sophie,

You were way off base with your advise to Woman Scorned. I have worked in couples therapy for almost 15 years now and here's the truth. Pornography is an addiction just like heroin, and, to many wives, it is the ultimate betrayal and often times even worse than a spouse having an affair with a flesh-and-blood person. It takes more and more graphic pictures and words to satisfy the voyeur, and a spouse can never compete with the pornographic images held by the person addicted to it. Pornography will not open the door for pillow talk about mutual sexual fantasies. It only leads to more duress for the one who isn't addicted to it. I strongly recommend Woman Scorned seek professional help in dealing with her feelings of betrayal and other issues which are impacting her marriage. She needs to have the courage to ask her porn-addicted spouse to join her in counseling to save their marriage. This is a ticking bomb about to explode. I've seen it all too often.

Dear Anonymous Reader,

I very much appreciate your opinion and your willingness to post it, but I must respectfully disagree with you.

First, not too long ago (and still in some places) popular theory in psychology was that homosexuality was a dangerous addiction, a malady of the psyche. As was masturbation. Is that a dangerous addiction too? Many people, both men and women, are just as offended by their partner's interest in masturbation (both shared and solitary) as they are pornography and extramarital affairs. They see it as a betrayal (say what?!). Would you term those dangerous addictions as well? These are but two more modern examples of where the science of psychology needed evolution. Modern psychology does not impress me with its assessments of this issue if the current trend is in thinking that people who enjoy pornography or erotica are the psychological equivalent of heroin addicts.

What is an addiction? The reliance on an activity or behavior on a routine basis? Are we then addicted to eating (it only leads to overeating---for those with other problems!) and defecating and bathing and brushing our teeth? Who decides when a routine activity goes from being a normal reaction to a healthy bodily function to a dangerous behavior on the par of heroin addiction or capable of, in and of itself, destroying a marriage? I would say that there's a lot more at play in these troubled marriages than naked photos or dirty words.

While its true that any enjoyable activity can become an addiction, viewing it 3 or 4 (or even 8 or 10) times in a month hardly qualifies as addictive behavior. Had the gentleman referenced been missing work and turning a cold shoulder to his responsibilities, of course, professional intervention might proof helpful. But not necessarily.

Of the persons I have known who step forward to counsel others on matters of the psyche, a number of them are noticably neurotic themselves (aren't we all?). I'm not saying that you are, of course, I don't even know you. But the folks who put together whatever research supports your theory are themselves human and subjective.

What is normal behavior? Wouldn't that be behavior which is common to the majority of humans? I'm not specifying men here because I know many women who have enjoyed pornography and erotica both alone and with their lovers for decades and had nothing but enjoyment and adventure as a result of it. Their needs for titillation did not escalate over time. What is the time bomb to which you refer, I wonder?

I am personally aware of very few truly happy marriages, both young and mature. I think that's because this sort of mutual molding is encouraged and acceptable in our society and that the lack of intimacy that results is corrosive. I believe that the most dangerous addiction in most marriages is in the desire for control over a partner's thoughts, feelings, behavior and appearance. But of those happy marriages of which I am aware, a vast majority of them have relaxed their competition with The Rest of the World in dealing with the neurosis of jealousy. And the happiness followed.

It makes me sad, really breaks my heart, that there are couples whose marriages are in trouble enough to seek therapy and that rather than focusing on the communication and intimacy issues, the self-confidence and mutual acceptance of each other's real selves, they are instead told that one or the other of them is an "addict" and the nonaddict's jealous behaviors are reinforced, and even worse, used to shame the other.

Erotica is not inherently addictive. That's like saying that smoking cigarettes leads to smoking pot and that smoking pot or drinking will only lead to harder drugs. While both may be true for certain addictive personalities, I personally believe that they are not true for the vast majority of people who enjoy these activities. (Apply the food/overeating analogy: If addiction develops, regardless of the object of that addiction, there's something else going on and manifesting most visibly on this issue.) I say this from the personal experience of witnessing very intimately one 60-year-marriage as well as the marriages of other people I know of anywhere from 2 to 20 or 30+ years (in which the presence of porn or erotica was not considered threatening). If this wife thinks that her husband viewing pornography is the basis of their marital troubles, I would bet my house that there are more fundamental problems afoot which are deeply entrenched in control issues.

It can be easy to think that dominance and control issues always manifest as obvious and demanding behavior, but in fact, reticent men and women can be just as controlling, albeit often with more passive (but no less aggressive) methods of asserting their control.

Show me a marriage in which neither partner has ever enjoyed erotica and I will show you one that involves two people leading emotionally detached and mechanical lives in the same house. (Or the partner/s are very good at keeping it a secret, which I suspect is the norm, and damaging to intimacy, trust, communication.) But I find the secret-keeping much more alarming than the subject matter of the secret. If a wife hides the amount she spent at the store or the husband hides his communication with female friends, it's the same problem. Communication, trust and intimacy, not addiction.

Making a person feel that s/he is sick because they enjoy the safe and anonymous outlet of erotica is both cruel and dangerous, in my opinion. (How many affairs devastate pornless households?) Am I a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist? No. I am a student of human nature and I am a happy person who enjoys the rich, multicolored tapestry that has woven together our universe and all of the souls in it. But happiness is a choice we make for ourselves. And that's where I think it's dangerous to encourage the idea that the wife's happiness and self-image are the responsibility of the husband, especially if it involves her being encouraged to control his thought processes in an unnatural way. I think that this "diagnosis" will only serve to drive the natural instincts into hiding. Or kill the libido, the intimacy, the marriage all together. This doesn't mean that she should force herself into joining in the fun (she may or may not be invited) nor feel inadequate in any way because of her lack of interest. She simply decides: can I be okay with this? Or are we simply incompatible (again, no blame)?

My advice to others is simply that: MY advice. I believe that life is all about choices and the primary choice we make every day is whether to love ourselves and those in our lives. By choosing love, the requisite skills of forgiveness, compassion, acceptance and emotional autonomy naturally follow, most importantly toward oneself but by chain reaction to all those in our daily lives. That leads to happiness.

Your experiences as a counselor are perfectly valid, of course. But you claim with such authority that there is always a severe problem when your exposure to porn lovers is seemingly limited to those with ... well, severe problems (troubled marriages). How many folks read erotica and never make it into the offices of psychologists because they are happy and well-adjusted? I'm guessing that this would be the vast majority of those who do, based on my experience in our society.

If I were a counselor and this couple came to me for guidance, I would delve into the woman's self-image issues, her need for control of her mate (and the relationship) as a form of sexual reassurance, and their communication skills on intimate levels.

Thanks again for your feedback. Please feel free to extend the conversation.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Dear Sophie,

I'm getting concerned about my husband's seemingly insatiable appetite for porn, especially on the Internet. I've caught him at least 3 or 4 times this month looking at sites with women who can't possibly even be real. I feel betrayed by his interest in other women's bodies and he seems to think it's no big deal.

Am I with the wrong guy? Is he with the wrong girl? If he were attracted to me, wouldn't I be enough?

Woman Scorned

Dear W.S.,

I can't speak to the health of the rest of your relationship, but in this aspect, I think you might need to slow down and ease up on both of you a bit. Erotica and pornography are completely natural interests for either men or women. It's also completely natural if you have no interest in them yourself.

The human psyche is like paint splattered on a linear scale pinned to the wall. Suddenly, there are variations in every direction. In order to accommodate the uniqueness of each and every individual in the history of mankind, there have to be variations, right? So all along the scale of human sexuality are people with varying degrees of interest in a very human instinct---the sexual one.

The cliché that most men are horny beasts became a cliché by being true in a large number of cases. Many women are in fact horny beasts themselves if they can find the level of comfort with their libidos that most men are able to find for themselves. Does that make them depraved? Does it mean that they lack integrity? Are they then incapable of genuine lust and attraction to any OTHER variation on the theme?

First, the fact that he has allowed himself to be "caught" by you might just be a not-so-subtle invitation to play. Have you considered that? What would happen if you curled yourself around his shoulder and joined him in an online (safe, private, harmless) exploration of your shared fantasies?

Then again, he might be subtly pouting or trying to get some negative reinforcement on your level of sexual interest toward him. Positioning himself in a situation in which he's bound to be repeatedly discovered smacks of a conspiracy, albeit a lame one, to inspire feelings of guilt, shame or jealousy. On the other hand, maybe he just wants to share an aspect of his most private thoughts with the woman to whom he has sworn his eternal love and passion. You could go back and forth all day.

If you have a hard time enjoying such activities yourself, that's entirely okay. But I think you would be unduly hard on him and on yourself if you interpreted his interest as a betrayal or a sign of waning interest in you.

My advice? If you can find it within yourself to explore with him, ask him for some intimate pillow talk. Explore his fantasies and share your own. Whatever you do, don't judge him for anything he tells you. It's okay to say, "That's not my thing," but to condemn or judge him for his proclivities is dangerous to your intimacy.

If, by some stroke of luck (pun intended), you find that the two of you have common fantasies, let that be your starting point for a new level of emotional, sexual and spiritual intimacy between the two of you. There is no greater aphrodisiac to either a man or a woman than the feeling of being desired.

Perhaps when you allow that he can have a highly charged libido, an interest in erotica and still find you highly desirable, you might just find your own libido sparking and your interest in playfulness with your partner growing.

If there is simply no negotiating the point, however, if you just can't abide his having a thought or peek at anyone's body but yours, it's entirely possible that you are mismatched. That doesn't imply fault or guilt toward either party. Simply an incompatibility of two variations.

Sex is a powerful component of the human relationship, especially a monogamous marriage. By insisting on monogamy, we take on a responsibility to a minimal level of tolerance and compassion for each other's differences. Don't punish him or yourself for what he's thinking, focus on what he's doing, the decisions he's making in regards to you and your relationship. By allowing himself to be known to you in this way, he's made a confession of sorts, he's opened a door. However intentional his actions, he's in a point of vulnerability right now, still unsure of your reaction to a revelation of a very private aspect of his life.

It's entirely up to you whether you accept the invitation that I think you're being extended. But what have you got to lose?

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Not my words, but my sentiments exactly:

There's a common misunderstanding among all the human beings who have ever been born on the earth that the best way to live is to try to avoid pain and just try to get comfortable. You can see this even in insects and animals and birds. All of us are the same.

A much more interesting, kind, adventurous, and joyful approach to life is to begin to develop our curiosity, not caring whether the object of our inquisitiveness is bitter or sweet. To lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is. If we're committed to comfort at any cost, as soon as we come up against the least edge of pain, we're going to run; we'll never know what's beyond that particular barrier or wall or fearful thing.

When people start to meditate or to work with any kind of spiritual discipline, they often think that somehow they're going to improve, which is a sort of subtle aggression against who they really are. It's a bit like saying,

"If I jog, I'll be a much better person," "If I could only get a nicer house, I'd be a better person, ""If I could meditate and calm down, I'd be a better person." Or the scenario may be that they find fault with others; they might say, "If it weren't for my husband, I'd have a perfect marriage." "If it weren't for the fact that my boss and I can't get on, my job would be just great." And "If it weren't for my mind, my meditation would be excellent."

But loving-kindness---maitri---toward ourselves doesn't mean getting rid of anything. Maitri means that we can still be crazy after all these years. We can still be angry after all these years. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. The point is not to try to change ourselves. Meditation practice isn't about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It's about befriending who we are already. The ground of practice is you or me or whoever we are right now, just as we are. That's the ground, that's what we study, that's what we come to know with tremendous curiosity and interest.

Sometimes among Buddhists the word ego is used in a derogatory sense, with a different connotation than the Freudian term. As Buddhists, we might say, "My ego causes me so many problems." Then we might think, "Well, then, we're supposed to get rid of it, right? Then there'd be no problem." On the contrary, the idea isn't to get rid of ego but actually to begin to take an interest in ourselves, to investigate and be inquisitive about ourselves. The path of meditation and the path of our lives altogether has to do with curiosity, inquisitiveness. The ground is ourselves; we're here to study ourselves and to get to know ourselves now, not later.

People often say to me, "I wanted to come and have an interview with you, I wanted to write you a letter, I wanted to call you on the phone, but I wanted to wait until I was more together." And I think, "Well, if you're anything like me, you could wait forever!" So come as you are. The magic is being willing to open to that, being willing to be fully awake to that. One of the main discoveries of meditation is seeing how we continually run away from the present moment, how we avoid being here just as we are. That's not considered to be a problem; the point is to see it.

Inquisitiveness or curiosity involves being gentle, precise, and open - actually being able to let go and open. Gentleness is a sense of goodheartedness toward ourselves. Precision is being able to see very clearly, not being afraid to see what's really there, just as a scientist is not afraid to look into the microscope. Openness is being able to let go and to open.

The effect of this month of meditation that we are beginning will be as if, at the end of each day, someone were to play a video of you back to yourself and you could see it all. You would wince quite often and say "Ugh!" You probably would see that you do all those things for which you criticize all those people you don't like in your life, all those people that you judge. Basically, making friends with yourself is making friends with all those people too, because when you come to have this kind of honesty, gentleness, and goodheartedness, combined with clarity about yourself, there's no obstacle to feeling loving-kindness for others as well. So the ground of maitri is ourselves. We're here to get to know and study ourselves. The path, the way to do that, our main vehicle, is going to be meditation, and some sense of general wakefulness.

Our inquisitiveness will not be limited just to sitting here; as we walk through the halls, use the lavatories, walk outdoors, prepare food in the kitchen, or talk to our friends---whatever we do---we will try to maintain that sense of aliveness, openness, and curiosity about what's happening. Perhaps we will experience what is traditionally described as the fruition of maitri---playfulness.

Pema Chodron, The Wisdom of No Escape

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com