Dear Sophie,

I've been checking you out, reading your blog lately, and I'm mystified. How can you, or anyone, come away from relationships in which you've been hurt, mistreated or disappointed and not experience and express anger or resentment?

It's one thing if you don't feel it, but what if you do feel it? How do you keep that all bottled up inside?

Gen. Public

Dear General:

Well, let's see. First of all, I would recommend that if you do feel anger or resentment toward a person, regardless of the nature of the relationship, you should express it. Only one firm guideline there: express it constructively. In other words, there's a big difference between writing or saying, without angry embellishment, "I'm really hurt by this situation and I need to talk about it."---and---losing your cool with accusations and blame. You have two decisions to make there.

First, to whom do you address your anger or resentment? Consider carefully the willingness of the listener. In some cases, a trusted but neutral friend or professional or family member might be best. Perhaps it might be best to express it to yourself or the world at large through writing or art. And in some cases, it's best to go straight to the source of your anger and calmly confront that person.

I would not recommend an ambush, or surprise conversation that catches any person off guard. If you involve someone else, whether the "offender" or a neutral party, let them know ahead of time what you need and give them a chance to accept or reject their role in the conversation. Ask for support, and let it be clear that you are not seeking to shame or blame. And if you do end up in a conversation with the person with whom you're angry, it's very important to honor their trust in your behavior by not attacking them or shaming them, either.

That's---if you're angry. But you don't necessarily have to be angry when things don't work out your way, and that sort of making peace with the flow of events is a fine line to walk. In twelve-step programs around the globe, people learn and live a mantra: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

All three are tall orders for most of us, but the third should really be the first, as it is a critical coping skill to know when we have the power (and the right to that power) over a situation and when we don't. We cannot expect to change the way another person FEELS or ACTS. We can only affect our own emotions and behaviors. We can control how we REACT to another's feelings or actions, but the source of those is beyond our reasonable realm of control.

So to become angry when another person misbehaves (by our subjective standards, mind you) or acts selfishly is natural, but to expect that our anger will or should alter their feelings &/or behavior is unrealistic and dangerous. In the normal processing of that emotion, I would suggest that the goal is a process of rationalization (Cool thing? Rational.) that tells us, "That's the way life goes. I have no control here. I did the best I could," and that the anger is dissipated quickly before it inspires damaging thoughts or behaviors on our part. Anger is natural, but should be temporary and is dangerous if it fuels short-term outbursts or long-term bitterness. Both are toxic.

So how do you get to that level of compassion and understanding of such frustrating circumstances? Well, through compassion, empathy and insight. By stepping out of and away from our own life---and into and toward the lives of those we love.

I have heard it said that it is when we least deserve love that we need it the most. A hard concept to embrace sometimes, but certainly truer words were never spoken. Love is rarely deserved. But if we only gave love to those who deserve it, the world would shrivel up and die. So where do we draw our boundaries? How do we extend unconditional love without losing sight of our own needs and our self-respect?

Foremost, we have to learn and remember the difference between LOVE and TRUST. Simply loving a person doesn't mean you can live with them or their behavior. Love doesn't pay the bills, doesn't raise the children, doesn't get the chores done.

I suggest that LOVE is and should be unconditional. TRUST however, is and should be hard-earned. Respect is a by-product of both and should be extended at all times, but is "adjustable" and can easily be diminished to mere civility with constant abuse.

This clarity harkens back to my idea that being "in love" is really a combination of four key emotional elements: love, trust, respect and attraction. Without physical attraction, we have the three components necessary for fulfilling relationships with family, friends, colleagues, etc. So those three elements are critical to EVERY whole, sustaining, successful relationship we have.

Whether your children, co-workers, neighbors or lover, we have to react to people's behavior toward us in the proper realm (love, trust, respect) for our reaction to be healthy and effective. Ultimately, we may not get our wish in terms of the reciprocation (love, trust, respect) we desire, but at least we can achieve the maximum level of peace, content, and love, if not with each other then at the very least with ourselves. And it's important to remember that just because a person can't or won't respect or trust us, doesn't mean that they don't love us. Even if they can't say it themselves.

Forgiveness, I believe is more an expression of love than trust. Unconditional like love, it is that letting go to which I've been referring. But that doesn't mean letting painful patterns repeat, it doesn't mean condoning or accepting negative, hurtful behavior. In fact, I truly believe that the free flow of love and forgiveness has a much more healing effect on broken relationships than anger, shame or guilt, and for both (or all) parties involved.

No one I know has ever been shamed into compliance in a relationship on any permanent or fundamental level. It just builds more and more layers of negativity on top of the real problem and the solution becomes more and more elusive.

So really, it's all about choices again. To be or not to be? Angry. Loving. Forgiving. Which serves our better interest? Which has the better aftertaste? And which is more likely to solve the problem against which we are struggling? And what solution do we really seek, anyway?

Next time: Compatibility vs. compromise. How much is too much? And what if they are still not enough?

Much love,
Sophie
Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously(at) gmail.com

Dear Sophie,

Seriously, I'm a mess. My life is so disorganized and it's obvious in my home. I typically like a well-ordered environment but lately I find myself just not caring so much. I feel overwhelmed by all there is to do and I feel like it's all on me to do it. Where am I ever going to get the motivation to get my life caught up?

It's bills, paperwork, laundry, the basement, the closets. I feel like it's bulging at the seams, ready to explode and I'm getting exhausted holding my back against the dyke.

How do I get started?

Spinning in Circles

Dear Spinning:

Getting started is as easy and as excruciating as taking the first step.

First, assess the tasks at hand. Let's say it's bills, paperwork, laundry, the basement, the closets. Literally, make a written list of all the projects that need to be done and can be accomplished in 2-3 hours or less. For instance, instead of 'clean garage', break it into: sort garage, haul off trash, deliver donations, go to flea market. You could do that in outline form, starting with larger chunks and then breaking down the steps.

The reason for doing that is two-fold: one, you create a list of manageable tasks that might seem less overwhelming when taken one at the time. And two, it will help to have them broken down when it comes to prioritizing. For instance, it might be important to sort a few closets in various rooms before you haul trash, deliver donations or have that flea market table.

So the second step is to do just that: prioritize. It might even help to put each task on an index card so that you can reorder them as necessary. Or create the list on the computer so that it's easily edited.

Make a list of all the tools and supplies you need in advance. Do you have what you need to do the job? For instance, if you still haven't filed your taxes, do you have the necessary papers in hand to do the work?

Basically, I'm suggesting that you organize, in writing, the step-by-step process you will take to regain control.

Take the most pressing task, and focus purely on it and daily survival. Step over the rest of the mess and dedicate yourself to taking care of your most immediate priority, probably paying the bills. Turn off the television, disconnect the ringer on the phone and put every ounce of energy you have into just doing that one step.

When you're finished, congratulate yourself and take a break. Reward yourself with a tv show or good magazine. If you have sparked the motivation to tackle another task immediately, go for it, even if it's out of order while your "iron is hot." It's better to do SOMETHING than nothing, and if folding clothes while you watch tv will get the clothes folded, go for it!

For really long, hard jobs you might need to take frequent breaks, either alternating with less laborious but productive endeavors, or simply resting. In any case, if you exhaust yourself or give yourself an anxiety attack over it, it will never get done.

Start crossing items off the list. Don't throw away the list; in fact, post the accomplished chores on the fridge or some other prominent place so that you can be reminded of what you've done and what you're capable of doing. Might sound silly, but it can be very inspiring.

If none of these suggestions help, perhaps calling in a professional or trusted friend for some help or company might be good. We tend to more motivated in other's company, and as Mary Poppins said, "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down."

Whatever you do, you have to start and start soon or you'll just slip into the quicksand of inactivity. Don't worry about how long it takes as long as you're making SOME progress. If the projects are really long-term, give yourself a day or afternoon or evening off every week or so in order to avoid burnout.

Keep looking back at what you've done as you look ahead at what you're to tackle next. Hope this helps.


Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously (at) gmail.com

Gentle readers:

I have disabled the comments feature of the blog. It was problematic. The best way to respond is to just drop an email to sophie ~at~ freakinasheville.com. Be sure to tell me if you DON'T want it posted. I'll always respect your privacy.

Thanks for your feedback! I'm thrilled that you're here too!

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously (at) gmail.com

Ah, Sophie, dear; good to read your words, as ever. Gentleness IS strength, surely. Every human I know has scar tissue over broken places and some share of troublesome baggage at the least of it. Neither are all of us equipped with the 'toolkit' to participate in an honest-to-goodness intimate relationship, either; quite a sad fact, that.

All the more reason to be kind and gentle with each other as mindfully as possible, I agree, most heartily. Not adding to the burdens of others while maintaining the integrity of one's self IS a high-wire acrobatic act in the 'dating' world, in particular! You're on your toes, impeccably balanced, and way out ahead on 'the game' by refusing to play into the 'set piece scripts' of others.

If we women seeking honest intimate relationships can't convince potential partners of their necessity for our + their own well beings, confusing them IS the best possible step towards learning, I do believe. Exercising the choice NOT to respond reactively and rotely from our own wounds isn't an easy thing!

You do it well: Bravo!

...

teehee, tada, tallyho,
an admirer

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously (at) gmail.com

You know, Ashevillain, I think you have very valid points here.

I'd like to add that kindness, compassion, forgiveness are gifts we give ourselves in the end. I mean, by giving them to others, we gift ourselves with their benefits as well. We can leave a person more healed, happier than we found him and that's okay, that's GOOD even. It's okay if we had to give a little of ourselves away, even more than we got and even okay if it was stolen under false pretenses. If a person steals, they need this stolen thing a lot more than I do.

Stealing is not an act of evil; it's an act of sickness, of brokenness. A person who steals a part of your life, a part of your soul by taking without giving in return is one trying to make or fill his or her own soul. It's a form of starvation. Of self-protection, self-preservation from emotional malnourishment. Often times the malnourished seek quantity instead of quality sustenance, resulting in the 'drive thru' relationship patterns. Quick fast-food type fare that doesn't last but didn't 'cost' much and is easily and best forgotten.

If you think of it that way, it's easier to understand why these Disappearing continue in their pattern. Because they get positive reinforcement for a negative behavior. The drama, the hurt, the anger. By letting all of those things go, we not only release ourselves to move on, but we stop, however briefly, the pattern that fuels their insecurity, their sickness. We stop feeding it. After all, it is depriving our friend of meaningful relationships and enriching life experiences and we don't feed the dragon.

The dragon is not the friend, though. The dragon is a sickness that controls the friend. With that perspective, it's much easier to see our roles as unconditional supporters, even if the best support possible is ultimately an easy, forgiving release.

Isaac Hayes once said (I'll use it every chance I get!) that people often wanna go and confuse love and kindness for weakness. It's so s'true. Oftentimes, true loving kindness (maitri) is mistakenly perceived as a weakness, a lack of self-confidence. There is a difference between forgiveness and forebearance. But both are forms of patience and kindness. But there have to be limits in order for the trust to have any integrity. There has to be a willingness for each to make some of the investment or it makes no sense.

But don't lose kindness just to prove your strength. Let your kindness BE your strength. Strength is grace and confidence and forgiveness and endurance. It is not resilience to human empathy nor pain. It is not detachment.

So I guess what I'm asking is, Is that really confidence they're portraying? Or insecurity? And I would hope that the Disappearee WANTS to move on and find a more fulfilling relationship, a much stronger, more balanced, healthier alternative to staying stuck in a repeating pattern that leaves one bewildered and alone, even in company. And this applies as much to platonic friendships as it does to romantic sexual involvements. It's the human condition.

I think you, Ashevillain, hit the nail on the head with the Green Grass Syndrome, another variation on the theme of Self Validation. It's all so complex and fascinating.

I hope you're all listening to music. I would recommend Sade's Lovers Rock this cool dark spring night.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously (at) gmail.com

Thanks, Ashevillain, for your thoughtful feedback! The below was posted as a comment but comments still don't appear normally. I'll post my reply Sunday evening, but wanted you all to have access to these insights immediately:

Very interesting take on things Sophie. I have one comment:

"By withdrawing or withholding from an intimate relationship, one has control over the entire scene, first of all. As long as the other party/ies involved are involved enough."

In my experience this one seems to be the most common. I've seen it and experienced it time and time again (and yes, even currently in the midst of one of these...on the losing end)....As the interest level of person #1 decreases, the interest level of person #2 increases...the gap keeps widening further and further until communication has broken down beyond repair. This brings me to the old saying: "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"...while a little over simplified it seems appropriate to this discussion. Some ppl can't be satisfied with just grazing...they need to be constantly looking for a better pasture to graze in... Even while they're in a perfectly functional pasture to begin with.

My answer to the question "But what if they're not? (involved enough)" : It's not a problem for the person who is percieved to be "in control" because they usually portray enough confidence to attract a larger number of admirers with whom they can use to play their mind games with. The person who is being strung along is more often less confident and more vulnerable (or else it seems they wouldn't stand for subpar treatment)...and less likely to go right back out and find another person of interest.

I am by no means an expert or a professional...this is just what my experience has taught me.

-------------------Ashevillain 5/11/2005 10ish pmish

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously (at) gmail.com

I am answering a letter that is to remain unpublished as requested.

Lost in the Mountains:

The gist of the matter at hand is the disappearing act that men and women alike play on each other at the most inopportune and unexpected times in the development of a relationship. What causes them? Is there a cure?

It's a good news/bad news scenario. First the bad news, it's the simplest: no known cure. Dammit.

Now the good news: It's not your fault.

The causes of the disappearing act are numerous but invariably a manifestation of the psyche of the disappearer, not the disappearee. Even if the disappearee has some hideous flaws that were just being discovered at the time of the vaporization, there is no excuse for not saying goodbye. The inability to face one's responsibility just up to the point of being able to say, write or mime "This isn't working for me" is very common. If s/he can't muster a little parting honesty, not the gut-wrenching kind but just a compassionate disclosure, there is most likely a pattern of such behavior and a clear underlying reason for it, and it's no coincidence that you're being cut off prior to your discovering just what that is.

Some folks feel badly about themselves and think they are "beating you to the punch" and others simply don't have the empathy to consider stickier alternatives.

And then there's another kind, and I find them increasingly common in both committed and adrift disappearers: the need for drama.

There are some people who get their validation from sexual encounters. Others gain validation through wealth and accumulation of material goods. And there are some who just need to be begged after.

It's the "Why didn't you call me?" and "Don't you know how worried I was?" that they crave. And to create that level of emotion, they push hard into relationships with good intent, but end up startled.

By withdrawing or withholding from an intimate relationship, one has control over the entire scene, first of all. As long as the other party/ies involved are involved enough. But what if they're not?

What if you were to sit him down and say to him, "Okay, I understand your need to go. I'll miss you and I'll think of you. But I'm moving on."

And you have to do it. Don't seek revenge, don't break promises or tell secrets. Rest plenty, but don't hide. Stretch out. Simply be available to possibilities that might have otherwise flown right by.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously (at) gmail.com

Dear Readers,

I am writing this letter to myself as much as to anyone possibly left reading here. I have been sick, really sick, and in the midst of a huge life transition (new job in a new community). Knocked down by the day-to-day, I have been unable to keep all the balls in the air and had to focus primarily on livelihood. It would have been easy to throw in the towel, but I'm working my way toward a new routine, day by day, step by step. My plan for this page is a weekly column until I can get the infrastructure to support something more frequent. Please don't give up on me. I'll be back Sunday evenings for the foreseeable future.

Love much,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously (at) gmail.com