Dear Sophie,

I've been dating for the past 2 years after having ended a 20-year marriage to a man who cheated on me repeatedly, among other problems. As the result of the pain I experienced in that marriage, I have made it my vow not to ever sleep with a man unless I knew for sure that he's not married or committed to another. So even after I know for sure that he's really available, I have a hard time opening up and feeling comfortable having sex as quickly as most men want these days. Our society changed a lot while I was married. I feel like such a prude but really I'm not. I'm not looking for another marriage but at the same time I don't like the idea of a revolving bedroom door either. I'm confused and it seems like no matter which way I go I end up sending out the wrong message not to mention running men off. What have you got to say for me?

Tired in Transylvania

Dear Tired,

There's nothing MORALLY wrong with having sex with random strangers or with people with whom you have little to no connection or experience otherwise. Just like there's nothing wrong with eating a Big Mac from the drive through while you're on your way to the mall. But is it really soul-satisfying nourishment? How well does it serve your longer term needs for sustenance? And is adequate sustenance a short-term or long-term fulfillment of those needs?

There can even be a delicious enjoyment of the wicked-good indulgence of your body's physical needs for touch and expression with someone you barely know and are not sure you'll ever see again. Can you turn off your emotional and spiritual needs for touch and expression long enough to enjoy it? Most likely. But what happens afterward? What do you do to fill those voids when your sex partner has moved on to other partners, or simply lost interest and wandered away?

I've personally always preferred sex inspired by love to love inspired by sex. What exactly does that mean? Well, that depends.

That doesn't mean you'd have to be married or even in a committed, monogamous relationship in order to enjoy the benefits of emotional and spiritual aspects added to a physical relationship. There's no magic number of dates or certain words that should be uttered to signal the threshold into sexual adventure. No magic sequence of events or criteria to be met. It's different for everyone, and will be different for each potential partner you meet.

What is most important is feeling the mutual respect not only for one's time and physical needs, but for honest, open communication of what is happening in the moment and what can be expected from one another in the foreseeable future. How many of us have thrown ourselves into a hot sexual relationship only to regret the investment later, when we feel abandoned, taken for granted, used or manipulated? I have heard so many times, "If only I hadn't slept with him!" or "At least I didn't sleep with him!" as the first expression after a connection disconnects for whatever reason.

Is this a gender-based phenomenon? I really don't know. I've never heard a man regret having sex with anyone at any time (at least not that was admitted to me, and I have a lot of male friends with whom I dish pretty intensely) unless the woman ended up being infected with a disease, getting pregnant or becoming a stalker. The emotional aspect doesn't seem as critical to some (most?) men, but I'd be ecstatic to be hear otherwise. And perhaps you're a woman who doesn't need that feeling of connectedness to a sexual partner. But it's certainly okay (healthy, normal, nurturing) if you do.

Our society, in its push for female sexual liberation, has had a tendency to make women feel as if they need to be promiscuous in order to assert their independence and emotional fortitude. Women who yearn for an emotional connection and some sense of spiritual continuity with their partners are conveyed as needy, dependent, insecure or emotionally fragile. Quite the contrary, seeking and expecting a solid emotional connection with your sexual partners---and abstaining from sexual activity until those needs are adequately fulfilled---are the signs of a woman who is in control of her own life, not seeking validation and reassurance through acts of purely physical sexuality which ring hollow in the aftermath of the moment of passion.

In terms of sending out the "wrong message" I think that as long as the message you send out is clear, is honest and truly reflects your personal, spiritual and physical needs, you really can't go wrong. If that message pushes potential partners away or causes them to lose interest, you're really so much better off in the long run. You owe yourself a life of quality, fulfilling connections with those who truly care about your needs as well as their own. Anything less will leave you questioning your own value and judgement.

How to deal with the loneliness? Here's an epiphany: we're all lonely. As much as we fear loneliness, it's inevitable and there's really nothing to be afraid of. People who are married get lonely, people who are single and have many love interests get lonely. You can't escape loneliness with sex, with a lifetime marriage, with dozens of friends or sex partners or with drugs, alcohol, food or shopping. Loneliness is part of the human condition. (See the R.E.M. video linked at the end of this post, a FAVORITE of mine!)

We really shouldn't be afraid of loneliness, but it's one of the primary fears prevalent in our society and the incredibly powerful force behind so many bad decisions we make on small and large scales, including the extramarital affairs that plague marriages. But like other forms of hunger, the pangs of loneliness will pass. Yes, they will inevitably return again, but we are so much better able to bear those empty moments when we have our own approval, our own esteem, our own stores of validation and reassurance from which we can draw comfort and sustenance. What if we had given them all away to someone who squandered them or left them crumpled under our beds?

Be who you are. Hold on tight to her, never let her go. It's never easy, but you're ever-so-worth it!

Love,
Sophie

This is my favorite Christmas story and I wanted to share it.

A Christmas Memory by Truman Capote.

Absolute best when read aloud in front of a fire ... Merry Christmas!

Love,
Sophie

Awhile back I talked about personal mission statements. These are very important in providing direction and a sense of purpose to our lives. Mine is to love the world, and feel its love in return. That's what truly matters to me in the overall scheme of things.

When I'm feeling unsure, when I'm afraid, when I'm not sure of the wisdom of loving, I go looking for evidence of it and its impact on lives both familiar and strange to me. And I am constantly reminded. Everywhere I look, there is evidence of love and its profound power. I live in the same world as you. Do you see it?

"You can change people. Unconditional love on a daily basis can melt a stone." ---James Taylor, 12/23/07 on Sunday Morning

"There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for? And what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love." ---Johnny Depp as/in Don Juan DeMarco

I have a friend out there who is having trouble at church with gossip and personal politics. Sometimes life is so unfair.

But our hopes of ever affecting a dynamic that is THAT systemic in our society and in our social constructs (and church really is a social construct, isn't it?) is to acknowledge the futility of trying to totally eradicate it. In other words, there's only so much you can do. The rest is just coping.

I can't remember where I read one of my myriad mottos: Live your life so that it doesn't matter what anyone says about you, even if what they're saying isn't true. Part of that has to do with your perceptions of yourself and part of that is supporting the perceptions of others about you. If the people in a social group know you and see you participating in the gossip ring, even if only to defend yourself, you have reduced your credibility and increased their willingness to believe anything that they hear. If, however, you can rise above participation in the game, even if it's not fair and even if what is being said is not true, you are more likely to convey integrity rather than guilt of the accusations being made.

Of course, if the allegations are severe (such as those with legal implications) then you have to take action rather than remaining passive. The best way to end that sort of behavior is to calmly seek legal assistance and let your lawyer handle the matter. Sometimes simply saying, "I'll have to talk to my lawyer" is enough to quell the rumors.

It's especially sad to hear that this problem is so ingrained in your church, where these sorts of nasties are especially out of place. And the fact that the leaders of your church are involved is even more disturbing. I suggest that you consider membership in another group more able and willing to live and exemplify the ideals they gather to espouse. I'm not sure which religion this church symbolizes, but it sounds inappropriate for any religion or spirituality, since most have as their basis the universal themes of love and forgiveness.

Your resilience and grace are your greatest "weapons" in this self-defense. And as for the long-lasting effects on you, forgiveness will be key. That doesn't mean letting this continue to happen.

Love,
Sophie
PS---I don't publish letters unless you ask me to, by the way. Many of my posts are in response to letters or conversations with folks seeking input. And some are just reminders to myself.

What do you do? What CAN you do? When your deepest most secret dream starts to actually come true? What if you really ARE dreaming, and it's just an illusion of your projected longings? What if it were a great Cosmic Hoax meant to pop you on the nose like a newspaper and remind you of the austerity necessary for growth? What if it is suddenly Christmas everywhere, all the time, even in your sleep ... ?

On the long, wild ride our lives have been, there are times when we seem at the very center of the Universe, with solid land horizons in every direction. A step in any direction is a confident, if not eager, step on massive solid known territory. Sometimes the horizon chokes us and sometimes we wrap ourselves in it round and round and seal ourselves tight in its futility. We sleep easily, knowing we have a 360 degree view of our daily lives and all's quiet on every front.

Other times, we are on the very edge of what is Known, True and Real. We FEEL that edge upon which we are teetering with nothing but black space around us. If we fall in (if we dare jump?) will we land in water or on rocks? In a deep green bed of wild moss woven with flower blossoms or into someone's evening fire? Will it hurt?

What is there to do then? What choice do we have ... ?

Swan dive!

Love,
Sophie

People are ALWAYS wondering, "Where did the love go?"

Long-term relationships seem inevitably doomed to either hostile aggression and/or seething or civil tolerance. What happens to the passion? The sexual energy? The warm and fuzzy butterflies? Are they all gone forever? It depends.

It depends on the amount of damage done by the time you come to your senses, and on circumstantial interference like "other women" and "other men" as well as the pursuit of healing, professional development, spiritual enlightenment, etc.

But even in the seemingly most dire of circumstances, it's not totally unfeasible that you could turn it around IF you were both really, reeeeeally wanting it and if you both have the capacity for real forgiveness. Because that's the first step. Forgiveness. You have to BOTH forgive and "forget".... which doesn't mean that you necessarily lose the memory or even the pain of it, but more specifically that you NEVER bring it up again, unless the Offender wants to do extra penance and brings it up themselves, and certainly never negotiate with it, either explicitly or implicitly.

Whether the issues are large or small, you have to be willing to let them go. Turn off the microscope; stop chip, chip, chipping away at your mate with your nitpicking (literally, like picking nits, we obsess ourselves with the preening and cultivation of someone ELSE's life. So much less scary than really dealing with our own).

The other step is that you realize the importance of "slack" and you learn to actively cultivate it rather than wait passively for it to manifest. It won't. It won't come naturally at this point. You're probably not going to just spontaneously combust into flames of passion for someone you believe to be in need of major repairs. Stop blaming this person for the imperfections in your life; let go of the idea that this person reflects YOU! It doesn't matter if he wears plaids with stripes, it doesn't matter if her skirt is shorter than you think appropriate. It just doesn't matter. Imagine a life with the absence of criticism and correction. You would be amazed at the impact it has.

You have to learn to loosen the leash you have each other on ... keep your mouth closed the next time you want to say, "But of course YOU can't find it!" or "Do you really think you need a third drink?" or "That is NOT how that's pronounced!" See how many times you can bite your tongue and if you really want to add icing to the cake, celebrate each of those Moments of Grace with a compliment or a kindness extended to the person with whom you are attempting reparations.

The power of unconditional love and unconditional acceptance is no less than phenomenal. That's why early relationships are so spectacular. At THAT point, we are perfect, in the eyes of our Beloved and therefore, our own eyes. Only a rare few remember the value of mutual idol worship on the daily lives as well as the libido.

And, hey, I'm not talking about serious abuses of trust here. I hope it goes without saying that emotional or physical abuse, infidelity and intentional dishonesty all constitute an entirely different set of circumstances.

I'm talking about the majority of relationships which simply "drift apart" over time and leave both scratching their heads and wondering what went wrong. I'm talking about those dealing with the cumulative effect of years of tiny infractions, veiled hostility, profound disappointment, feelings of rejection and emotional abandonment. If you can forgive, if you can bite your tongue, if you can extend yourself lovingly without expectation of outcome, without bargaining or trying to claim credits ... you can do it. You can repair even the most damaged or distant of relationships.

You are, after all, not strangers. It's your intimacy that brought you here, to this place of great emotional distance and inseparable misery. It's your intimacy, your Love like the love you give when you are your best, that will pull you out when you are at your worst. Just LET GO of those heavy, greasy feelings of resentment and practice, practice, practice letting it GO.

Someone once said, don't know who, something like, 'It's when we deserve love the least that we need it the most.' The ideas with which we "practice" in our daily lives are indeed practice. That term implies the lack of perfected skill and the need for constant forgiveness and fortitude. For those who attain happiness, it is Love that we practice in our daily lives at every moment. And Love certainly is contingent upon constant and unrelenting forgiveness. And if we can forgive each other, it is all the easier to forgive ourselves. And that's important because I think most times, that's who we're really so angry with anyway.

Love,
Sophie

Dealing with anger? Cary Tennis nails it. Again.

Whoa.

It's definitely time. If you're a fan of eggnog, and SPIKED eggnog at that, this is the time you need to be laying in your supply of Evan Williams eggnog for the holidays. In the Asheville area, it gets gone quickly and every ABC store will tell you the same thing: not again until next year.

What I love about this eggnog (besides the Evan Williams bourbon with which it is so very generously laced!) is that the eggnog part is not so thick and rich as the real dairy version. This is sort of like a cream liqueuer with eggnog flavors and spices. I'd swear I taste nutmeg.

You need only chill and pour this holiday nectar. I like to get a few bottles for celebrating, for enjoying in front of my fire when all the chaos dies down, and for the late-winter nostalgia I'll enjoy when the world is parched white and the holidays have faded into attics and basements. It makes a very tasty substitute for creamer in your coffee, but not wise if you're heading out.

And, please, PlEaSe, PLEASE don't drive after drinking. This stuff sneaks up on you faster than most sipping drinks and you need to be either chauffeured or grounded until after you sleep again. Don't let yourself be responsible for a holiday accident that could decimate your life or the lives of others.

If you're too late, check other markets or order online. It makes a great house gift, too. Of course, it goes without saying that you need some holiday music playing when you imbibe. If you don't have any holiday music, well. Then you have another stop while you're out!

Love,
Sophie

Dear Sophie,

I am dating a wonderful man who has two kids age 8 and 11 with another woman. I've never had kids and pretty sure I can't. I don't like the kids mom at all, but I love both of them and we all get along really well. This will be our first holidays together and he wants to hold our celebration of Christmas when the kids can be there to share it with us. They live with their mom for the most part but he gets unlimited visitation. I want to spend time with the kids, too, but I'd like for our "official" Christmas to be just us two. He won't even think about exchanging gifts or sharing a special meal both with and without them. He will only celebrate when they are with us. I don't want to spend every holiday catering to his and his kids schedule and having them involved in every celebration. Why can't we have two? Am I being unreasonable?

Grinch

Dear Grinch (don't be so hard on yourself!),

I strongly suspect that the separation of this man from his children is pretty recent. And whether or not that's the case, he is still very sentimentally attached to them. As parents, it's important to many to make our children a part of our own and us a part of their holiday memories. He likely feels some ambivalence about moving on in life without them at his side, even if it's never far and they see each other often. He may feel some sense of guilt even though he has nothing to feel guilty about. And maybe he is just one of those rare and incredible parents who are so enraptured with their children that nothing has the same joy as that which they can share with their kids.

Whatever the case, I think you have to consider this man a package deal. There are some areas in other's lives we must simply recognize as sacred. Whatever his reasons, and however reasonable your reasons are as well, his kids are a part of all his holidays. He may also be recognizing how quickly kids grow up and move on to make their own holiday traditions, sometimes without us for whatever reason, and that these years are too precious to be wasted. A way of storing things away sentimentally for a time of inevitable change, and sometimes even loss.

Since you asked, I'd advise you to join the club. The fact that you're invited into an event so obviously special to him is a great acknowledgement and a high honor. If you attend cheerfully, they will be equally honored for having the benefit of your grace and dignity. If you can't do so cheerfully, it's best for you to bow out gracefully and decide whether you're interested in extending a post-holiday invitation. Your days of quiet one-on-one celebrations can be just as special when they are made in the middle of the week and for no apparent reason other than that you are celebrating having found each other.

However valid your concerns, you shouldn't discourage this sense of love, commitment, loyalty in this man. If you allow him that, you will likely inspire a comparable sense of loyalty and commitment from him yourself. You know now that this is who he is. You have the right to your own needs and you simply have to prioritize them. Which do you need most? Are you willing to accept the costs? Only you can decide that. And you're perfectly justified no matter what you choose.

I wish you and yours the warmest, most joyous holiday season ever.

Love,
Sophie

I know SOOOO many people who are in or approaching midlife (or later) and are depressed. They haven't accomplished as much as they'd wanted, they're in dead-end jobs or boring careers, they're in debt beyond their ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel, they're in unfulfilling relationships that have sapped the life out of them but they are not motivated to either change the relationship or get out of it. Most of these folks seem mired in fear.

But how do you banish fear? It's scary! But less so with a plan. Courage is not the absence of fear, it's the ability to face the fear and work through it. There is nothing brave or courageous about accomplishing things that were never a challenge to begin with.

For those in this situation, wondering how they'll ever find themselves out, I suggest a simple and useful tool that has done amazing things for me. The Five Year Plan (FYP). My FYP is always changing as goals are accomplished, or my path rerouted in the face of new information or motivations. In other words, it's not a COMMITMENT to the final outcome, only a commitment to the process of pursuing it. Action is action, no matter which direction it's in. But so many of us have trouble making that first step because we are either overwhelmed with fear and/or have no idea in which direction we're headed. It's like going out for groceries without knowing where the store is or heading to the store we know without an idea of what we want to buy.

My FYP is one that includes all aspects of my life: personal (relationships), health, professional. educational (because I'm a life-long learner), and financial.

It doesn't HAVE to be in writing, but it's helpful if you've never worked with a five-year plan before. The long term nature of this plan acknowledges that changes don't happen overnight and that they take a tremendous amount of effort, patience, courage, resources. Think of your life as a big cruise ship---you can't turn that ship on a dime, you need to have a wide berth and plenty of time.

So think about picking just one of those areas, the one that most needs your attention. List your options. What are the costs and benefits of each option? Do other areas of your life need to change in order to accommodate your plan in that area? What do you need to do to initiate those changes?

For instance, once I had to find a new job. I had a job already, so didn't have the time to search during the day. I worked at it online at night. I made a goal to send out at least one application per week and found my dream job about 6 weeks later.

I wanted to get out of credit card debt. I knew I couldn't pay it off at credit card interest rates, so I devised a plan to refinance my home to lower the rate so that I could pay it off faster. But first I had to improve my credit to get the best possible rate. I reviewed and corrected my credit report, I paid off smaller debts and I shopped for refi packages. A year later, I was out of credit card debt, but the debt was transferred from my equity. So that became the next step ...

You get the idea. If you don't own a home, you figure out how to buy one. If you don't have the degree you need for the job you want, you figure out how to get back in school. If you don't have the car you need to make the trip to the new job, you work on the car first. As Bill Murray chanted in What About Bob?---"littletinybabysteps, littletinybabysteps"---they may be tiny, but they are steps in a direction, SOME direction that will ultimately lead you to somewhere new. Which is way better than still sitting on the couch, complaining about your lot in life.

So what's your goal? What's your plan? January 1st is coming soon. I quit smoking on January 1st two years ago, a feat I thought I could never accomplish. But I did it with littletinybabysteps and a simple plan that led me out of my addiction to nicotine.

There is no end to the possibilities of the world you can create for yourself.

Love,
Sophie

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com