Please, will you please go watch this video? I tried to embed it and the damnable code won't work. Be sure to hit the little black box next to the volume control under the video. It will make it go full screen. I love this video. I'm planning my upload.

Love,
Sophie

Admittedly, there are more than a few women who are the meek one in their respective relationships, too. Same dynamic applies, regardless of gender.

It's scary to be the one being coaxed into sexual wilderness, especially if there's a lack of experience in that realm. I would recommend talking a lot first in an intimate moment when there is no pressure to act. This would be great stuff for that afterglow pillow talk phase of the evening. Make sure you're all intertwined and plant nose kisses in between sentences and talk about the things that make you tingle. Maybe starting off with something neither person has experienced will help balance things out during the warm-up phase of exploration.

You should have a ground rule. You only need one. Neither partner should ever have to fear ridicule or judgement based on a fantasy. If you cannot hear that your partner loves to kiss feet or enjoys wearing silky panties under his golf pants, don't ask. It's entirely possible that you're incompatible sexually, but being different doesn't necessarily mean being incompatible. Being willing and able to indulge each other's sexual idiosyncrasies (within mutually safe--emotionally and physically--boundaries) will create an environment of lovingness, playfulness and trust that will spill over into other areas of your relationship and daily lives.

Above all, we must be willing to laugh, with each other and at ourselves. Start small. Dig deep. We all have in us a curious, tender being. Feeling safe and loved is the absolute best feathering we can do to our nest in order to "hatch" ourselves into living and loving fully.

Love,
Sophie

“It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird; it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.”

— C.S. Lewis

Hey Sophie,

I'm just not sure what to do.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world and am married to the most wonderful man I've ever met. In some ways, I can't believe I'm so lucky. Hee 's kind, honest, funny, smart and accomplished. He genuinely cares about my family and he's fiscally responsible and all that good stuff. But of course, there's always something. Right?

The issue at hand is that he's pretty boring in bed. He's even well-endowed but seems clueless about what to do with it. This isn't a matter of our being together so long that we're bored, he's just never opened himself up to the possibilities of erotic stimulation. I'm not even sure if he has fantasies or not. We've been married 3 years and he can't bring himself to even talk about sex with me.

I knew this was the case all along, of course, but I thought that because I had a somewhat adventurous sex life before we met, that I could satisfy myself with less spice in exchange for all the other good things I found in him. I have read your column and know that you don't condemn erotica, but enjoying it by myself is getting pretty boring.

Now I find my mind wandering and taking care of my own needs just isn't getting it anymore. I'm afraid that I might be slipping down the road toward having an affair. But I'm still madly in love with this man and I don't want to lose him. Now I know what all those people mean when they say, "it was just the sex!"

So .......... any advice?

Horny in Hendersonville

Dear HiH,

Oh, yes, this is quite the dilemma. And it's one of those situations that is so hard to evaluate because we are a people (as humans) who love to place blame. Usually, our attempts at problem-solving are to identify a villain, point the finger and punish into submission. What's ironic is that there is very rarely actually someone who is blatantly at fault in a situation.

And so the best approach is to consider (and even go so far as to LIST) your options and their possible ramifications in your life. Let's start there. As far as I can think, you have these potential options, among others possible:

1) You can leave this man. Benefits: your integrity intact. Drawbacks: You lose quite possibly the love-of-your-life for experiences that may actually seem shallow without him. The great sex you enjoyed before you met him were BEFORE you met him. It's possible that you won't be able to recreate the passion and zest because your options for partners have changed and your mind and heart were dramatically changed by your knowing this man existed.

2) You can stay with this man and remain faithful. Benefits: your integrity intact. You get to remain married to a man with whom you are deeply in love. Drawbacks: Your sex life gets boring, OR you have to work very hard and risk a lot emotionally to assert your needs with this man. That is perhaps the fear that is right now guiding your heart to the greater extent than the interest in wilder sex. It's possible that in addition to having a legitimate need for sexual satisfaction, you are somehow eliminating him as a potential source of that satisfaction because you have an emotional fear of the battering you could take emotionally in the process of communicating this need to him and pursuing it as a couple. There is certainly the possibility that he will find your interest distasteful, or that his own insecurities inspire him to use condemnation as a form of denial in his own struggles. This stuff is layers deep, after all. The issue obviously represents more to both of you than the simple physical act of sharing, and if you do decide to stay and remain faithful, your options are narrowed to two. Do something about it or do nothing about it. Both are scary, I would say.

3) You can stay with this man and secretly have other partners. Benefits: Having your cake and eating it too. Drawbacks: Might not last long. It would be like taking hard drugs. You'd have this incredible short-term high but the situation would eventually implode because the nature of life is change. You will get caught, your sex buddy will caught, he will lose interest, you will lose interest, you will get sick, other circumstances will interfere at some point and the possible ramifications of those possible changes are too numerous to list. You would have to know that realistically, you can get by with a double life for a limited (if extended) period of time. The insecurity of not knowing when it will blow, or the entanglement of managing the secrecy would be stressful and exhausting to most.

4) You can stay with this man and openly have other partners. Benefits: Having your cake and eating it too. Drawbacks: You have to take huge emotional risks in how your husband might react to your interest in other partners. Would this activity include him? Not include him? Is he amenable to even discussing it? Will he lose interest in marriage to you? Will he call you a slut? Will he think you're crazy? Will he try to get you "help" and think you are broken and need to be fixed just because you have the need for engaging sex? Again, those are huge risks. And it comes down to priorities.

Do you want emotional safety or do you want emotional fulfillment (and sex is as much about emotional fulfillment as physical, even in the most primal of interactions)? Do you want a rush, or do you want the reassurance and pride associated with personal integrity and a sense of loyalty to your life partner?

In some ways, it's very complicated and in some ways it's also very simple. My advice? I would stay home with my husband, and I would find the courage and resources to take the huge emotional risk of trying to incorporate him into my sexual life. It may be that he doesn't feel welcome there yet. It may be that he has issues of his own and he has a fear of being welcome there. Lots of pressure, especially if he doesn't have as textured a sexual history as you seem to have. You may be subtly avoiding the invitation for the need to protect the nature of your relationship with him, which sounds enviable.

The safest environment for this endeavor of mutual honesty and exploration is with a professional therapist whose values you share. I personally think that it's virtually impossible for a therapist to be totally objective, even when they don't render advice. Finding an appropriate guide for the process will involve doing some homework, both in terms of the professional integrity (checking license history) as well as getting personal references or at least having preliminary talks about values and goals before investing too much of your heart and money into someone. Finding a therapist who specializes in sex therapy could be helpful, but is not necessary if you "click" with someone who is more of a generalist. Because sex is so often considered a moral issue, I think it's entirely fair for you to ask a potential therapist about their religious convictions. If they are not willing to talk about themselves and their personal perspective (without details, just to give you an idea of their base perspective), then I would personally avoid hiring that person for this mission.

If you have the confidence in your ability to self-manage the process, it could be perceived as less threatening and less risky to your husband. These matters are extremely delicate and its possible that he has not even processed these issues internally. Proceed with caution.

It's true that there are risks no matter which option you choose. I would personally rather risk my own emotional capital than risk someone else's. Then at least if there is a loss, if there is a calamity that knocks us down, I know that I can recover. I know that. There is no doubt in my mind that I will always recover, because the things that can't be repaired (like integrity) are always still intact. Whatever you do, be guided by love and by integrity. That's always the least risky choice of all, in the long run.

I'd love to hear how this turns out. Please consider writing again.

Love,
Sophie

In case you haven't noticed, I've added some links to the side of the blog. Really cool stuff. Please pay particular note to Second Life, an amazing virtual world into which our "real world" is being integrated. You can go there and get an avatar (a person, really, who represents you in any manner you choose, right down to the length of your eyelashes, the pointiness of your ears and the sag of your breasts) for free and wander the world of Second Life aimlessly indefinitely, meeting people and seeing the thousands of islands folks have created. Second Life is being used to conduct business, online education and sociopolitical events, among other functions. In fact, anything you can do here, you can do there, "in world" as they say. Even have sex! (And even deviant sex at that!) In fact, you can do more there than here in some cases. You can fly from island to island, or you can simply walk in between on the ocean floor. You can teleport, too. Every person you see is another person somewhere in our "real world" who is logged in and in the same place, at the same time that you are. It's extremely fascinating and SO much fun!

Once you decide you want to start buying clothes and building things, you'll need money. The Linden dollar trades against standard currencies, and I've heard is doing better than the dollar!

You will be hearing a LOT about Second Life in coming months and years. It's a phenomenon that is getting worldwide attention and participation. Get your avatar now and see what all the fuss is about.

And while you're at it, check out Radio Lab, and click into Season One archives and listen to the show on "emergence," which is very much what Second Life is all about.

It's a brave new world. Wanna come out and play???

Love,
Sophie

Ahhhh, my free hour finally arrives! What to do with it?

Productivity? Or decadence?

Is it any coincidence that our extra hour arrives during that one truly perfect weekend of the year when the forest is at its most beautiful, the light is most golden and the air is sweeter than any other day?

And fire at the end of the day ... if you don't have a fireplace, get a bunch of candles. If you have a place outside, a fire bowl. But this day must end with fire ...

Love,
Sophie

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

I need to bring to your attention the Web site CDBaby.com. According to its own Web site,

CD Baby is a little online record store that sells albums by independent musicians.

[In•de•pen•dent: (adj.) Not having sold one's life, career, and creative works over to a corporation.]

We're just a bunch of people in a cool Portland, Oregon, warehouse that looks like a playground. We listen to every album we sell before we sell it, so we can help
you find other albums you'll like.

We only sell music that comes directly from the musicians. No distributors. Musicians send us their music. We digitize and warehouse, sell them to you, and pay the musicians directly.

Cool thing: in a regular record deal or distribution deal, musicians only make $1-$2 per album, if they ever get paid by their label. When selling through CD Baby, musicians make $6-$12 per album, and get paid weekly.

In business, and thriving, since March 1998. We're one of the largest sellers of independent music on the web.

It will have a permanent place on this page. Please show them love!

Love,
Sophie

Dear Sophie,

I need your help! I just started seeing this guy and I think there's chemistry between us. He's interested, I'm interested and we've been seeing each other for a couple of weeks. We both flirt back and forth with each other but it doesn't really go beyond that. I'm afraid that if I make the first move, I'll scare him off. He might be afraid of the same thing, but I don't know how to find out without having a really awkward conversation that could blow the whole thing. I really want to get physical, but not if it costs me the whole relationship.

What should I do?

Itchy

Dear Itchy,

Okay, I do have an idea for you. If I read between the lines correctly here, you haven't even had a goodnight kiss yet (which is the ultimate ice-breaker). A great way to break that ice is a method taught to me by a dear friend about 25 years ago. This guy was smoooooooth and had no shame (which can be a good thing sometimes). He had a very light-hearted approach to new relationships and his dates took his cue and didn't attach a lot of angst to those early decisions like when to call, when to kiss, etc.

Here's his idea: When you meet each other for the date, right at the beginning, say, "Listen, we both know how suspenseful it can be wondering what our goodnight kiss might be like, and if we'll even have one. Well, I LOVE goodnight kisses and I don't want to spend our time together being distracted wondering about it. So let's just get that out of the way right now, have our goodnight kiss and then we can both relax and enjoy our time together." VOILA!

I have witnessed this technique being used a time or two to break the ice and it doesn't convey any heavy drama or expectations, just that you love to kiss! The mood of the evening inevitably ends up very positive and warm and of course, kissing CAN lead to harder drugs! (~wink, nudge~)

So if you've already kissed or made out and are wondering about the next step, I'd say you could use this GoodNight Kiss (GNK) technique even now and see where it leads. What do you have to lose?

Hope it works out well for you!

Love'n'such,
Sophie

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

A friend and I were talking last night about how to deal with the depression that can come about as the result of the change of the seasons. The cooler weather and the promise of bone-chilling cold, the loss of greenery and the impending holidays all spell depression for some folks. Not for me, though! I love this time of year the best of all.

But for those who do suffer seasonal depression, I have a recommendation for you. Among other tools (like hot coffee spiked with Bailey's, my fireplace, etc.), I have in my arsenal BEDDING THERAPY. How does it work? It takes a little investment, I'll admit, but you can start slowly and build.

I have a bed that is to die for! Waking up and going to bed have new meaning when you max out the comfort of your bed. Mine has two full-sized real sheepskin on top of my perfectly-firm mattress. (For those who love a really firm mattress, try an all-cotton futon mattress on a waterbed box frame.) On top of the sheepskin are my 600-count Egyptian cotton sheets that I picked up on sale for around $50 for the set. I got two, so that I could alternate them in the wash.

In my bedding cabinet (a funky old wardrobe I scored from an antique booth at Smiley's), I store several ultra-soft fleece blankets, a few good quality handmade quilts and my prize of all prizes ... a king-sized goose down comforter for those months (Jan-Feb) that I term "deep winter." Goose down pillows (load up, you're worth it---I have six!) complete the decadence.

Any sort of bedding indulgence helps, and the more love you heap upon your bed, the more love will be waiting for you when you crawl in (not to mention the added benefit of tactile sensuality you can share with your bedmate/s!). You can be dirt poor, stressed out, discouraged, downtrodden and insecure but when you crawl into a bed that sleeps like a cloud, everything goes away. In addition to the comfort offered in your waking moments, you will sleep like a baby ... and a good night's sleep is good medicine too!

So, if you haven't already (and even if you have), go out and acquire something for your bed that will make it your little slice of heaven. Having a bedding fetish is among the most innocuous of all fetishes, and it will have lasting effects on your psyche as well as your physical sense of well-being. It's nourishment, in the true sense of the word.

And if you find anything good (especially if it's on sale), LET ME KNOW!

Much love,
Sophie

PS ... Thanks for your support and letters! I will begin answering them soon!

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

I am helping a friend sort out a confusing, perplexing situation with a fellow in her life. It's the same-old, same-old. Why does someone pursue us only to duck out at the last minute and leave us hanging? Why go through the trouble of asking for a phone number one is never going to use? Any time that a behavior seems to be in conflict with the perceptions we have about the situation, we begin to question, "Why?"

Unfortunately, most of us begin that process of figuring out why someone behaved a certain way by turning the scope on ourselves first. "What did I do wrong?" Women especially are prone to immediately assume the responsibility (whether willingly/happily or not) for being the stimulus behind that behavior. "Was I too much? Not enough?" But, of course, we know that's rarely the case. We know it well enough to tell our friends that when THEY are going through it, but often we don't remember it so well when we are comforting and nurturing our own egos.

But the point I want to make really has to do with acknowledging multiple motivations. Rarely is a decision or a behavior based on one single motivation or needs, but rather a complex web of competing needs and emotions (some rational and some not so rational).

The overly-simplistic illustration of this was on an episode of "Sex and the City" where Miranda was wondering why a fellow didn't call. Later, she thinks she has it figured out after hearing about the "He's just not that into you" theory. Her date declines an invitation to "come up for a drink" and she decides to let him off the hook by telling him it's okay, it's okay if he's not into her. But the problem was simply that dinner didn't sit well with him and he needed a bathroom fast (and of course didn't want it to be hers). So her first two responses would have been, "Why doesn't he like me?" and "It's okay if you don't like me." It never occurred to her that there was a much simpler reason that had nothing to do with her, or that his motivation to go was competing with his motivation to stay (and winning, for obvious reasons). It's impossible for us to know all those motivations and how they weigh into the equation.

The more complex and probably more common multiplicity of motivations would manifest in more subtle ways and often leave us mystfied. Longing for love and affiliation, sex and romance, company and compassion compete with a variety of different kinds and levels of fear. We push, we pull. We pull, we push. We can't stand the heat, but we can't pry ourselves out of the kitchen.

Here's another example of how we misinterpret the words and actions of others: I've heard this story many times in many contexts and it always reminds me not to judge people's motivations and behaviors.

Once a man is sitting on a subway and there are several children going ape around him. They're jumping in and out of the aisles, running into the legs of passengers, yelling loudly and being generally out of control. Their apparent father is staring blankly out the window and paying no attention to his sons' behavior or the growing agitation of those around him. Finally, one of the passengers speaks up rather sharply, "Can't you control your children? What is your problem? Do you just not care how they turn out? What kind of father are you?"

And so the father turned to his critics and softly apologized, "I'm so sorry, I'm not really sure what to do. Their mother just died in the hospital this morning and we're going home now to an empty house and I'm just not sure how I'm going to handle them and everything else. I'm really sorry that they bothered you."

Of course, that knowledge changes everything, doesn't it? Suddenly we can forgive his shortcomings as a father and look the other way, or interact with the children in a more compassionate manner than just glaring at them over our newspapers.

We don't know what lurks in the hearts and minds of our fellow humans. We can't begin to understand another person's motivations, especially when we're not too terribly clear on our own. We are all often motivated by longing in one direction and fear in another direction. Fear often wins when longing should, and vice versa (such as when people commit unspeakable acts upon each other with no apparent fear of reprisal or concern for harm done). If we can approach every human interaction (even those which disappoint and hurt us) with compassion and forgiveness, and a certain blind faith regarding each person's attempts to DO THE BEST THEY CAN, then the disappointments we heap upon each other might get just a little easier to bear. If the discomforts of another person's behavior cause us pain in a manner that becomes a pattern, we have to stop and question our own motivation for continuing to subject ourselves to it. What motivates a person to choose pain and loneliness every day?

What motivates us? Everything. Everything that happens to us (or has ever happened to us) motivates our behaviors. By making the arena for interactions with each other as safe and forgiving as possible, we coax each other out of our shells and into the very scary and very fun game of love. And I'm not just talking about romantic/sexual love or love of family and friends. I'm talking about the love that binds humanity and makes it possible for us to share space and resources ... love of fellow human. Sometimes, that's the hardest kind.

Love,
Sophie

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

A dear, dear friend of mine called me this morning and asked if he could get my advice. (I love it when that happens!) He is seeing a woman who is extricating herself from a failed marriage and the situation is and has been really messy. She's in no financial position to just begin with a fresh new home full of new belongings and the material things from their shared life are constant reminders of the pain and suffering they shared and, most likely, angry feelings about the way things were going with the divorce. Is eradication of these things from their lives necessary for moving on? Can one "make peace" with material belongings infused with our darker histories?

I recommended a ceremony of some kind, whether it be a traditional smudging with smoking herbs or a purification ritual of simply taking a hot shower with candles and scent in the air. Maybe a series of long hikes in the forest to realign ourselves, to stir the pot that is our soul and work those things that have sunk to the bottom of the soup back into the diffused joy of daily life. In that sense, they take on new contexts. Contextual meaning can be everything. Think about that song that brings a lump to your throat or tears to your eyes every time you hear it, which is always by surprise because you would never intentionally put yourself through that. Is the song lost to you forever? Or can you stir it back into the soup and find new relevance, new meaning, new context by which to still love it?

Think about the things you have let sink to the bottom ... and whether they are worth retrieving. In the end, there are some we want back and some things we think best left there or thrown out with the scraps and replaced entirely. Or not ever replaced, simply ... no longer there.

In my house? Something old, something new.

Speaking of new ... a shout out to V.H., a diamond I found and am holding onto. She is light, she is joy, she is the epitome of love incarnate. We all admire her.

Love,
Sophie

(Communicate via sophieseriously at gmail dot com)

Some Kiss We Want

There is some kiss we want with
our whole lives, the touch of
spirit on the body. Seawater
begs the pearl to break its shell.
And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild darling! At
night, I open the window and ask
the moon to come and press its
face against mine. Breathe into
me. Close the language door and
open the love window. The moon
won't use the door, only the window.

---Rumi/Translator: Coleman Barks

Love, Sophie

sophieseriously ...at... gmail.com

Last night I attended a reading and talk by Dr. Bud Harris, author of The Fire and the Rose: Wedding of Spirituality and Sexuality. It was an intimate gathering in Accent on Books on Merrimon Avenue in Asheville, NC. I wasn't quite sure what to expect and so was glad for the opportunity to simply sit and listen to his readings, his presentation and the subsequent discussion, which moved beyond the standard Q&A format pretty quickly. I bought the book and am reading it now, so don't have tremendous insights to offer other than this wonderful quote from the book:

"Conventional wisdom fears passion because it may thrust us blindly out of the pinched shoes of propriety and the roles we've been shoehorned into by family and society, and into the chaos of ecstasy or despair. Whether recognized or not, passion fuels the divine courses of our sexuality and spirituality until either they come together in a blossoming tree of fire or we shrink back into the safety of provisional lives."

He described the nature of the relationship of spirituality and sexuality not as polar opposites or opposing forces in our hearts and minds, but rather as the complementary elements of yin and yang which work in synergy and balance to complete us, to make us whole and fully engaged in the pursuit of our fulfillment.

"When these forces become separate and isolated they aggessively turn on each other and their outuput is destructive. Reconsidering the things we think we already understand about sexuality and spirituality as opposites will help us bring them back into a circle of relatedness--the circle of the soul."

He spoke very eloquently and lyrically on the elements of love, spirituality, Oneness with Nature, sexuality, passion ... one particularly beautiful analogy was in reference to the importance of loving oneself first and wholly. He said that love for oneself is like water filling a pond. Only once the pond is filled with water can it overflow to that which surrounds it.

His message was not one of reassurance, necessarily, so much as an invitation into the chaos and "terror" (as well as the utter joy, satisfaction and fulfillment) that living fully in pursuit of wholeness evokes. It's an offer we can't refuse.

"To feel the sense of wholeness supporting life is like coming home to ourselves. It is a moment of joy and serenity. And while it's a moment we can enjoy, it's not one we can hold on to. If we try, the effort will imprison us in the same way that never wanting to leave home can prevent our journey from continuing."

Let's join the Dance!

Love,
Sophie

Dr. Bud Harris is a Jungian analyst in private practice in Asheville, NC. His book The Fire and the Rose: The Wedding of Spirituality and Sexuality is available at Accent on Books on Merrimon Avenue in Asheville.

This is used with permission from the author as well:

"the things that we tend to let go (in the mad rush that is Life) are the most life-sustaining ... they are sensory. think about the most fulfilling gifts life has to offer us and they all tie into the indulgence of senses ... the touch of warm skin, a puppy lick, a child's hand in ours ... the smell of beautiful haunting scents, warm freshly baked bread, the fresh cut grass of summer ... the sound of soul satisfying music, the voice of our beloveds, the laughter of children ... the taste of cool pure water, our favorite ice cream, the flavor of our morning coffee or tea ... the sight of home as we approach, the way someone special looked at us as we said goodbye, our children's faces as they sleep ... it's all about taking care of ourselves. that's not selfish. it's nurturing. like the fishes and the loaves, we can only share that which we allow ourselves in plenty. how can we spread the lovingness and goodness that we don't allow for ourselves?

it's not enough to make money and buy things and stay in motion, producing and proving to the world our worth. our worth as humans is made real by our acknowledgement of our sensory needs and our pursuit of that deepest level of sustenance that makes everything else possible ..."

Love,
Sophie

Used with permission from the author:



"self-improvement is overrated ... it often leads to disappointment, disillusionment, despair ... there is a way to approach a similar process as GROWTH (words are very important here) and to approach the process of that growth with the idea that limbs or leaves being pruned are not weaknesses or illnesses, but important aspects of your "tree" that once served a purpose, are a part of the beautiful you, and simply no longer serve a purpose. letting go of those things lovingly and gently is very different from putting your face in them, dealing with them, improving yourself ... the leaves become nourishment for your growth, the limbs can be burned in the fire that fuels your soul ... everything that has ever been a part of you is good, beautiful, perfect ... even the parts that make you cringe to think about. you must stop cringing when you look at yourself ... you need no improvement ... you are perfect as you are sitting there now reading this. there are aspects of yourself that serve your happiness and growth better than others, and you will prune them away when the time is right ... "

Love,
Sophie

Gentle Reader,

Do you have a "personal mission statement" ... ? Do you know what this is? The concept of a personal mission statement is supposed to bring focus, direction and purpose to our daily lives. If you have a personal mission statement you're willing to share, or questions on how to develop one, please feel free to write.

I'm considering mine.

How can I briefly and succinctly encapsulate my priorities in a single statement intended to motivate my every action, my every decision, my every direction? I'd want it to encapsulate a passion for living, for loving, for learning and for the values I hold most dear.

Dr. Stephen Covey's works (7 Habits of Highly Effective People) introduced me to the concept and more information on his approach can be found at www.FranklinCovey.com.

Mine is now in development. I'll be posting more about it.

What is your purpose in life? What are your goals? How would you like to be remembered?

Love,
Sophie

This blog can now be accessed through SophieSeriously.com. You may now address your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophie@sophieseriously.com. Thanks for stopping in!

This is right on time. And applies to anyone. XO, Sophie

Sophie, my entire life, i have encountered extreme cruelty, prejudice, and denial of relationships with 97% of American women in general, and with ones that i have shown romantic interest in. Even after becoming a married man 13 years ago, i seem to not get the benefit of the doubt that other men seem to get, i experience this when i am in line at the bank for instance, when i wish to cash my paycheck, i get harranged for extra peices of ID that i don't have, and i notice other men in line don't get the same thing done to them, and they have accounts else were, as i do, i know this, as many of them have been my coworkers, in the workplace, i have experienced discrimination from co working females, in the way i am perceived and talked to, often being held to higher standards, and many times, the females i work with, have convinced the other males in the workplace to harras me, me finding this out later, i have never seen another male get this kind of treatment, not in the frequency, and magnitude in witch it seems to happen to me, i really don't believe I'm causing it, there is no mystical problem with my personality, i am kind, very reasonably attractive, a hard worker, and a team player. my wife has noticed the same thing, and it baffles us both. in my everyday life, it has caused me to struggle with depression,,, always think 80% of the women i run into, have an ulterior motive where I'm concerned, and possibly don't always tell the truth about me to other people. in recent years, i have learned to be very silent around women, this has helped at least keep the peace, but it doesn't always work, i have also trained myself to judge each person differently, and always give every new female that comes in to my life a chance to work positively with me, what can i do to change this obvious dilemma? it seems to mainly be American women i have this problem with, i get along great with Hispanic women, i just want to know if there are steps i can take to stop this, i decided a long time ago, that I'm not going to go out of my way to prove I'm a good person, i will only be myself, and i know I'm a decent individual, many i feel should recognize this, and give me the same benefit of the doubt, that they are giving to others.

bewildered by bias



Dearest Bewildered,

My response to you is somewhat complex because I have to speculate a lot, having no idea what you look like or what your sense of presence might be. My first inclination is to wonder if your perceptions of other's reactions to you might be being colored by your own sense of self, and whether there might be some obvious aspect of your physicality that stands out to others but not to you. Let's assume that you are of average appearance and that physicality must have some impact on initial reaction (what else do others have to go on?) of others.

I should ask: Is it only women? Never men? What about gay men? Does sexual tension play into the equation? (It sounds like it does.) You mention that Latino women don't seem affected. Do you have similar (read: familiar) features to them? Could you be sensing a racial or ethnic discomfort? Do you dress in bright flowered velvet clothing? Do you whistle through your nose when you breath? You can imagine that the list goes on. Yes, your wife is comfortable with your physicality and apparently equally mystified. What about at first? Was it love at first sight or did she need time to gain trust for you?

So many questions, Bewildered. I think I might need more information if I am to seriously address your problem with any level of credibility or hopes for usefulness.

Remember too that our perception of ourselves is often much harsher than others perception of us. We tend to magnify our traits that we find least desirable and that others might not even notice. Have you gotten feedback from anyone more neutral than your wife?

I hope that at the very least my response has given you some issues to examine, research within your experience and to evaluate for alternative perspectives. I'm betting that you're a very special man among most.

Thanks so much for writing!

Love,
Sophie

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Dear Sophie,

Why is our society so obsessed with physical beauty? How do I spark romantic interest if I'm rather plain physically?

Beholdee

Dear Beholdee,

First of all, I'd like to suggest that you think a lot about what and whom you find beautiful yourself. When you feel the spark of attraction with another human, study that person carefully and note his or her characteristics. Do they have a "perfect" body? A flawless face? Lots of hair or not much? How is it styled? Keep either a physical or mental inventory as you go about your research and make copious notes about as much of the person as you can possibly observe.

Then I want you to go over the inventory. Very likely, not all of the persons you admired had the same characteristics. I'd be willing to bet that there was no single characteristic shared by every one of your study subjects.

I personally find all types of men and women physically attractive. Although I consider myself a heterosexual, I enjoy looking at beautiful women as well as beautiful men. What makes this enjoyment richer is that nearly everyone I meet is beautiful in some way. Is it because I live in some magically blessed corner of the world? No. It's because I love variation on the theme.

I love men who with long hair, short hair and bald men; big and small men, old and young men. All shapes, sizes, colors, ages and styles of dress. Same with women. Even though my interest in women is tempered by my sexuality, I truly enjoy the beauty of other women.

I will say that there is one characteristic common to every person, man or woman, I find attractive: a warm smile. Really. If you use the 1-10 scale for beauty, you can boost your score by at least 5 to 7 points by simply sharing a warm, sincere smile with everyone you meet (not just potential suitors).

Beyond the first impression, I contend that a grateful and happy demeanor also enhance our attractiveness. I'm not just talking about an emotional or spiritual response by others to your attitude, but the actual physical changes that occur in our bodies when we maintain a positive attitude. Your features soften, your vibe is warm, your posture is more inviting --- the list goes on.

Finally, I firmly believe in celebrating your own beauty. Do you? Do you know how beautiful you really are, and do you present yourself lovingly to the world? Wearing clothing that expresses your spirit (and I'm not talking about dressing to impress on a financial scale), jewelry that decorates and enhances your features, and a hairstyle that speaks to your lifestyle can all make an incredible difference in the image you present to yourself and to the world. Cosmetics and nail polish aren't frivolity for the shallow, either. They are tools for the self-expression of your own beauty and should be a part of your image if that's who you are (whether man or woman).

And of course, I hope I don't even need to mention the importance of scrupulous hygiene?

It might be hard at first to view yourself and the world as ultimately flawless in your imperfection, but it can happen over time if you practice. It really does take practice. You have to block out the negative voices of outside influences (mainstream media, controlling friends or families, etc.) and especially your OWN negativity. If you have trouble getting started, turn off the television for at least one month and see how your perception of your own beauty and that of others around you changes (and it will change, trust me).

Thanks for writing. Write again.

Love much,
Sophie

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Gentle reader,

Here I sit in my big easy chair with laptop screen burning into the total darkness surrounding me, and I suddenly have nothing to say and so much to say that I can't imagine squeezing it all through my fingers into the keyboard and shooting it across cyberspace for you to read. I know it's been a long time since I wrote, and I have missed writing so much. The last year has been a blur of changes and activity and chaos and turmoil. But I should have been writing anyway, I know. Those times are the most fertile for our imagination, for our cultivation of empathy and wisdom and insight. I don't think the experiences are wasted though. I think I can pick up here, in this tiny corner of the universe, where I left off and I can speak to you, sing to you, soothe you and challenge you in all the ways I need to be spoken to, sung to, soothed and challenged.

Look for me here, if you're still checking in. And pass the word along to those you think might be interested. Write when and if you can. I need your inspiration. And I promise you mine.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to: sophieseriously (at) gmail.com