It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving. - Mother Teresa

Love,
Sophie

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Maybe you can help me understand the ways of society. Is it Western culture? American? Southern? Mountain? Wherever we go, people want to ask us questions out of the blue. Like where are we from? What's that thing hanging out of the trunk of our car? Are we married? What about kids? Planning on adopting?

Where are these people coming from? Why are they asking? And how should I respond, especially if I'm not inclined to answer at all?

Who Me?


Who, it's totally understandable that you find this behavior surprising, annoying or even alarming. But! I am of the opinion that 99.9999% of such questions are innocent attempts of humans (not locals, Americans, Westerners, but humans) to connect with each other in some way. Yes, there is some degree of personal curiosity, maybe a smoodge of comparison or even some specific goal for gaining information...but mostly, I think we just like to know each other, to peer into each others' lives, to be touched in ours and to sometimes be reminded of just how different and just how much alike we really are.

I think that humans, regardless of their environment, are always looking for some kind of connection. In big corporate environments, that might translate to anonymous closet sex at the office and lots of meaningless lunch meetings and dinner parties. Here in the mountains, that means neighbors walking by and asking questions about your lawn or trading cuttings or having pancake breakfasts at the drop of a hat. If you think about the millions of ways that we find to disconnect from one another, it's no wonder the pressure to connect builds up and spurts out at us and each other in the most unexpected ways. Sometimes the person reaching out might be just as surprised as anyone at their own behavior. Sometimes that need to connect transcends proper etiquette, appropriateness, legality or even safety. Sometimes we just want to have that touch and we're willing to say or do anything just to see.

I met some of my dearest sisters & brothers in chance conversations in town. I know a self-professed recluse I met by chance because he was also reaching out to the world. Two of my next-door neighbors feel like aunts to me and we share the same herd of critters. Haven't we all bumped bass-ackwards into someone who, but for one or the other of us pushing our boundary, we never would have found? Never would have discovered?

Should we reach back? I say yes. What have we got to lose? A few minutes from our busy day? A little privacy? As long as the privacy is handled gently and with dignity, as is most often the case, it builds a web of threadlike silver connections that whisper in the air above our heads as we walk and walk and spin 'round through our days. There we all are. What is there to do but to ask each other questions?

I agree that there is reason for caution, for testing the waters and establishing trust. Most times, I'm betting, it's well worth the investment.

But withholding from that experience, I think shortchanges us. I equate that with the analogy of having a good and beautiful thought like, "I love you so much" or "My gawd, you're beautiful" and not sharing it---like just pouring a love potion down the sink.

Love potion is everywhere, dripping off the trees and blooming out like flowers (*curtsy* Missy Misdemeanor Elliott) and it can be as full of perfect loving grace as helping your elderly neighbor with their vision quest at Walmart or as sticky as taking an endangered teen off the streets. You decide how deeply you can wade into the swamp of humanity.

To me, it's about chances. And when it comes to love, I'd take my chances.

Love bunchly,
Sophie

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Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

-------------------------Mary Oliver

Love,
Sophie

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Compatibility vs. compromise

Relationship compatibility is a very complex web of factors. The biggest issues are seemingly (and in no particular order): Sex, money, parenting, religion, politics ... and did I mention sex? Incompatibility in any one of these realms, even in the most idyllic of relationships, can break a couple up bitterly. Why is it that we don't require that high level of compatibility with nonromantic/nonsexual relationships? Because these things matter less. And we're willing and able to extend more compromise for lower levels of compatibility. Have you ever noticed the ratio balance? The higher the compatibility level, the less compromise is required. The lower the compatibility, the higher the level of compromise. How much is too much?

Can there be a such thing as TOO MUCH compatibility? I believe there can be. If you measure compatibility as sameness. But is it? Maybe compatibility is NOT sameness, but rightness. In other words, a couple of people who are so identical in expression, habit, spirit, thought and action don't challenge each other, don't stimulate each other, don't teach each other and may soon stagnate in boredom and listlessness. At the same time, not enough sameness can have equally erosive effects. So how is true compatibility measured? In balance.

The key elements required, in my estimation are: intimacy, communication, tolerance and self-reliance. I can't imagine a successful intimate relationship without each. The balance is dynamic. It's in constant adjustment to environment, to the cycles of time, etc. So there is no one particular true formula for that, the recipe changes with the conditions. And you have to change with it.


Love,
Sophie

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Dear Sophie,

I've been checking you out, reading your blog lately, and I'm mystified. How can you, or anyone, come away from relationships in which you've been hurt, mistreated or disappointed and not experience and express anger or resentment?

It's one thing if you don't feel it, but what if you do feel it? How do you keep that all bottled up inside?

Gen. Public

Dear General:

Well, let's see. First of all, I would recommend that if you do feel anger or resentment toward a person, regardless of the nature of the relationship, you should express it. Only one firm guideline there: express it constructively. In other words, there's a big difference between writing or saying, without angry embellishment, "I'm really hurt by this situation and I need to talk about it."---and---losing your cool with accusations and blame. You have two decisions to make there.

First, to whom do you address your anger or resentment? Consider carefully the willingness of the listener. In some cases, a trusted but neutral friend or professional or family member might be best. Perhaps it might be best to express it to yourself or the world at large through writing or art. And in some cases, it's best to go straight to the source of your anger and calmly confront that person.

I would not recommend an ambush, or surprise conversation that catches any person off guard. If you involve someone else, whether the "offender" or a neutral party, let them know ahead of time what you need and give them a chance to accept or reject their role in the conversation. Ask for support, and let it be clear that you are not seeking to shame or blame. And if you do end up in a conversation with the person with whom you're angry, it's very important to honor their trust in your behavior by not attacking them or shaming them, either.

That's---if you're angry. But you don't necessarily have to be angry when things don't work out your way, and that sort of making peace with the flow of events is a fine line to walk. In twelve-step programs around the globe, people learn and live a mantra: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

All three are tall orders for most of us, but the third should really be the first, as it is a critical coping skill to know when we have the power (and the right to that power) over a situation and when we don't. We cannot expect to change the way another person FEELS or ACTS. We can only affect our own emotions and behaviors. We can control how we REACT to another's feelings or actions, but the source of those is beyond our reasonable realm of control.

So to become angry when another person misbehaves (by our subjective standards, mind you) or acts selfishly is natural, but to expect that our anger will or should alter their feelings &/or behavior is unrealistic and dangerous. In the normal processing of that emotion, I would suggest that the goal is a process of rationalization (Cool thing? Rational.) that tells us, "That's the way life goes. I have no control here. I did the best I could," and that the anger is dissipated quickly before it inspires damaging thoughts or behaviors on our part. Anger is natural, but should be temporary and is dangerous if it fuels short-term outbursts or long-term bitterness. Both are toxic.

So how do you get to that level of compassion and understanding of such frustrating circumstances? Well, through compassion, empathy and insight. By stepping out of and away from our own life---and into and toward the lives of those we love.

I have heard it said that it is when we least deserve love that we need it the most. A hard concept to embrace sometimes, but certainly truer words were never spoken. Love is rarely deserved. But if we only gave love to those who deserve it, the world would shrivel up and die. So where do we draw our boundaries? How do we extend unconditional love without losing sight of our own needs and our self-respect?

Foremost, we have to learn and remember the difference between LOVE and TRUST. Simply loving a person doesn't mean you can live with them or their behavior. Love doesn't pay the bills, doesn't raise the children, doesn't get the chores done.

I suggest that LOVE is and should be unconditional. TRUST however, is and should be hard-earned. Respect is a by-product of both and should be extended at all times, but is "adjustable" and can easily be diminished to mere civility with constant abuse.

This clarity harkens back to my idea that being "in love" is really a combination of four key emotional elements: love, trust, respect and attraction. Without physical attraction, we have the three components necessary for fulfilling relationships with family, friends, colleagues, etc. So those three elements are critical to EVERY whole, sustaining, successful relationship we have.

Whether your children, co-workers, neighbors or lover, we have to react to people's behavior toward us in the proper realm (love, trust, respect) for our reaction to be healthy and effective. Ultimately, we may not get our wish in terms of the reciprocation (love, trust, respect) we desire, but at least we can achieve the maximum level of peace, content, and love, if not with each other then at the very least with ourselves. And it's important to remember that just because a person can't or won't respect or trust us, doesn't mean that they don't love us. Even if they can't say it themselves.

Forgiveness, I believe is more an expression of love than trust. Unconditional like love, it is that letting go to which I've been referring. But that doesn't mean letting painful patterns repeat, it doesn't mean condoning or accepting negative, hurtful behavior. In fact, I truly believe that the free flow of love and forgiveness has a much more healing effect on broken relationships than anger, shame or guilt, and for both (or all) parties involved.

No one I know has ever been shamed into compliance in a relationship on any permanent or fundamental level. It just builds more and more layers of negativity on top of the real problem and the solution becomes more and more elusive.

So really, it's all about choices again. To be or not to be? Angry. Loving. Forgiving. Which serves our better interest? Which has the better aftertaste? And which is more likely to solve the problem against which we are struggling? And what solution do we really seek, anyway?

Next time: Compatibility vs. compromise. How much is too much? And what if they are still not enough?

Much love,
Sophie
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Dear Sophie,

Seriously, I'm a mess. My life is so disorganized and it's obvious in my home. I typically like a well-ordered environment but lately I find myself just not caring so much. I feel overwhelmed by all there is to do and I feel like it's all on me to do it. Where am I ever going to get the motivation to get my life caught up?

It's bills, paperwork, laundry, the basement, the closets. I feel like it's bulging at the seams, ready to explode and I'm getting exhausted holding my back against the dyke.

How do I get started?

Spinning in Circles

Dear Spinning:

Getting started is as easy and as excruciating as taking the first step.

First, assess the tasks at hand. Let's say it's bills, paperwork, laundry, the basement, the closets. Literally, make a written list of all the projects that need to be done and can be accomplished in 2-3 hours or less. For instance, instead of 'clean garage', break it into: sort garage, haul off trash, deliver donations, go to flea market. You could do that in outline form, starting with larger chunks and then breaking down the steps.

The reason for doing that is two-fold: one, you create a list of manageable tasks that might seem less overwhelming when taken one at the time. And two, it will help to have them broken down when it comes to prioritizing. For instance, it might be important to sort a few closets in various rooms before you haul trash, deliver donations or have that flea market table.

So the second step is to do just that: prioritize. It might even help to put each task on an index card so that you can reorder them as necessary. Or create the list on the computer so that it's easily edited.

Make a list of all the tools and supplies you need in advance. Do you have what you need to do the job? For instance, if you still haven't filed your taxes, do you have the necessary papers in hand to do the work?

Basically, I'm suggesting that you organize, in writing, the step-by-step process you will take to regain control.

Take the most pressing task, and focus purely on it and daily survival. Step over the rest of the mess and dedicate yourself to taking care of your most immediate priority, probably paying the bills. Turn off the television, disconnect the ringer on the phone and put every ounce of energy you have into just doing that one step.

When you're finished, congratulate yourself and take a break. Reward yourself with a tv show or good magazine. If you have sparked the motivation to tackle another task immediately, go for it, even if it's out of order while your "iron is hot." It's better to do SOMETHING than nothing, and if folding clothes while you watch tv will get the clothes folded, go for it!

For really long, hard jobs you might need to take frequent breaks, either alternating with less laborious but productive endeavors, or simply resting. In any case, if you exhaust yourself or give yourself an anxiety attack over it, it will never get done.

Start crossing items off the list. Don't throw away the list; in fact, post the accomplished chores on the fridge or some other prominent place so that you can be reminded of what you've done and what you're capable of doing. Might sound silly, but it can be very inspiring.

If none of these suggestions help, perhaps calling in a professional or trusted friend for some help or company might be good. We tend to more motivated in other's company, and as Mary Poppins said, "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down."

Whatever you do, you have to start and start soon or you'll just slip into the quicksand of inactivity. Don't worry about how long it takes as long as you're making SOME progress. If the projects are really long-term, give yourself a day or afternoon or evening off every week or so in order to avoid burnout.

Keep looking back at what you've done as you look ahead at what you're to tackle next. Hope this helps.


Love,
Sophie

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Gentle readers:

I have disabled the comments feature of the blog. It was problematic. The best way to respond is to just drop an email to sophie ~at~ freakinasheville.com. Be sure to tell me if you DON'T want it posted. I'll always respect your privacy.

Thanks for your feedback! I'm thrilled that you're here too!

Love,
Sophie

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Ah, Sophie, dear; good to read your words, as ever. Gentleness IS strength, surely. Every human I know has scar tissue over broken places and some share of troublesome baggage at the least of it. Neither are all of us equipped with the 'toolkit' to participate in an honest-to-goodness intimate relationship, either; quite a sad fact, that.

All the more reason to be kind and gentle with each other as mindfully as possible, I agree, most heartily. Not adding to the burdens of others while maintaining the integrity of one's self IS a high-wire acrobatic act in the 'dating' world, in particular! You're on your toes, impeccably balanced, and way out ahead on 'the game' by refusing to play into the 'set piece scripts' of others.

If we women seeking honest intimate relationships can't convince potential partners of their necessity for our + their own well beings, confusing them IS the best possible step towards learning, I do believe. Exercising the choice NOT to respond reactively and rotely from our own wounds isn't an easy thing!

You do it well: Bravo!

...

teehee, tada, tallyho,
an admirer

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You know, Ashevillain, I think you have very valid points here.

I'd like to add that kindness, compassion, forgiveness are gifts we give ourselves in the end. I mean, by giving them to others, we gift ourselves with their benefits as well. We can leave a person more healed, happier than we found him and that's okay, that's GOOD even. It's okay if we had to give a little of ourselves away, even more than we got and even okay if it was stolen under false pretenses. If a person steals, they need this stolen thing a lot more than I do.

Stealing is not an act of evil; it's an act of sickness, of brokenness. A person who steals a part of your life, a part of your soul by taking without giving in return is one trying to make or fill his or her own soul. It's a form of starvation. Of self-protection, self-preservation from emotional malnourishment. Often times the malnourished seek quantity instead of quality sustenance, resulting in the 'drive thru' relationship patterns. Quick fast-food type fare that doesn't last but didn't 'cost' much and is easily and best forgotten.

If you think of it that way, it's easier to understand why these Disappearing continue in their pattern. Because they get positive reinforcement for a negative behavior. The drama, the hurt, the anger. By letting all of those things go, we not only release ourselves to move on, but we stop, however briefly, the pattern that fuels their insecurity, their sickness. We stop feeding it. After all, it is depriving our friend of meaningful relationships and enriching life experiences and we don't feed the dragon.

The dragon is not the friend, though. The dragon is a sickness that controls the friend. With that perspective, it's much easier to see our roles as unconditional supporters, even if the best support possible is ultimately an easy, forgiving release.

Isaac Hayes once said (I'll use it every chance I get!) that people often wanna go and confuse love and kindness for weakness. It's so s'true. Oftentimes, true loving kindness (maitri) is mistakenly perceived as a weakness, a lack of self-confidence. There is a difference between forgiveness and forebearance. But both are forms of patience and kindness. But there have to be limits in order for the trust to have any integrity. There has to be a willingness for each to make some of the investment or it makes no sense.

But don't lose kindness just to prove your strength. Let your kindness BE your strength. Strength is grace and confidence and forgiveness and endurance. It is not resilience to human empathy nor pain. It is not detachment.

So I guess what I'm asking is, Is that really confidence they're portraying? Or insecurity? And I would hope that the Disappearee WANTS to move on and find a more fulfilling relationship, a much stronger, more balanced, healthier alternative to staying stuck in a repeating pattern that leaves one bewildered and alone, even in company. And this applies as much to platonic friendships as it does to romantic sexual involvements. It's the human condition.

I think you, Ashevillain, hit the nail on the head with the Green Grass Syndrome, another variation on the theme of Self Validation. It's all so complex and fascinating.

I hope you're all listening to music. I would recommend Sade's Lovers Rock this cool dark spring night.

Love,
Sophie

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Thanks, Ashevillain, for your thoughtful feedback! The below was posted as a comment but comments still don't appear normally. I'll post my reply Sunday evening, but wanted you all to have access to these insights immediately:

Very interesting take on things Sophie. I have one comment:

"By withdrawing or withholding from an intimate relationship, one has control over the entire scene, first of all. As long as the other party/ies involved are involved enough."

In my experience this one seems to be the most common. I've seen it and experienced it time and time again (and yes, even currently in the midst of one of these...on the losing end)....As the interest level of person #1 decreases, the interest level of person #2 increases...the gap keeps widening further and further until communication has broken down beyond repair. This brings me to the old saying: "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"...while a little over simplified it seems appropriate to this discussion. Some ppl can't be satisfied with just grazing...they need to be constantly looking for a better pasture to graze in... Even while they're in a perfectly functional pasture to begin with.

My answer to the question "But what if they're not? (involved enough)" : It's not a problem for the person who is percieved to be "in control" because they usually portray enough confidence to attract a larger number of admirers with whom they can use to play their mind games with. The person who is being strung along is more often less confident and more vulnerable (or else it seems they wouldn't stand for subpar treatment)...and less likely to go right back out and find another person of interest.

I am by no means an expert or a professional...this is just what my experience has taught me.

-------------------Ashevillain 5/11/2005 10ish pmish

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I am answering a letter that is to remain unpublished as requested.

Lost in the Mountains:

The gist of the matter at hand is the disappearing act that men and women alike play on each other at the most inopportune and unexpected times in the development of a relationship. What causes them? Is there a cure?

It's a good news/bad news scenario. First the bad news, it's the simplest: no known cure. Dammit.

Now the good news: It's not your fault.

The causes of the disappearing act are numerous but invariably a manifestation of the psyche of the disappearer, not the disappearee. Even if the disappearee has some hideous flaws that were just being discovered at the time of the vaporization, there is no excuse for not saying goodbye. The inability to face one's responsibility just up to the point of being able to say, write or mime "This isn't working for me" is very common. If s/he can't muster a little parting honesty, not the gut-wrenching kind but just a compassionate disclosure, there is most likely a pattern of such behavior and a clear underlying reason for it, and it's no coincidence that you're being cut off prior to your discovering just what that is.

Some folks feel badly about themselves and think they are "beating you to the punch" and others simply don't have the empathy to consider stickier alternatives.

And then there's another kind, and I find them increasingly common in both committed and adrift disappearers: the need for drama.

There are some people who get their validation from sexual encounters. Others gain validation through wealth and accumulation of material goods. And there are some who just need to be begged after.

It's the "Why didn't you call me?" and "Don't you know how worried I was?" that they crave. And to create that level of emotion, they push hard into relationships with good intent, but end up startled.

By withdrawing or withholding from an intimate relationship, one has control over the entire scene, first of all. As long as the other party/ies involved are involved enough. But what if they're not?

What if you were to sit him down and say to him, "Okay, I understand your need to go. I'll miss you and I'll think of you. But I'm moving on."

And you have to do it. Don't seek revenge, don't break promises or tell secrets. Rest plenty, but don't hide. Stretch out. Simply be available to possibilities that might have otherwise flown right by.

Love,
Sophie

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Dear Readers,

I am writing this letter to myself as much as to anyone possibly left reading here. I have been sick, really sick, and in the midst of a huge life transition (new job in a new community). Knocked down by the day-to-day, I have been unable to keep all the balls in the air and had to focus primarily on livelihood. It would have been easy to throw in the towel, but I'm working my way toward a new routine, day by day, step by step. My plan for this page is a weekly column until I can get the infrastructure to support something more frequent. Please don't give up on me. I'll be back Sunday evenings for the foreseeable future.

Love much,
Sophie

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A couple of weeks ago, I invited health tips from readers:

Hey Sophieee!

I have a health tip. A good sex life. That is, a SAFE and good sex life.

Keeps me nimble.

Jack B. Quick

Dear Sophie,

My family is totally dysfunctional. Some of us siblings haven't been in touch in years, not because we're fighting or anything, just because we don't have much to say to each other.

I have been sending birthday cards and Christmas cards to everyone hoping to get some communication kick-started but I'm getting no responses. If I call them, they'll talk to me fine but no one ever seeks out contact but me.

Am I crazy? Should I stop torturing myself?

Alone in a Crowd

Dear Alone,

There is a fine line, indeed my friend, between giving enough of oneself (which is never enough) and giving too much of oneself (which is also never enough). The line is drawn by you and you alone and you decide whether to dance on it, leap over it or step carefully to the side, never technically violating its boundary.

Definitely, never give away what you can't live without. But how much could you live without for the satisfaction of knowing that you had tried everything you could, you had made every invitation? Isn't there a strange comfort in the futility of it? The ball is no longer in your court and you can relax, sigh deeply and know that for the time being, life with this family will be somewhat predictable.

So I think ... are you torturing yourself really or just sort of? Weigh out the benefit to the cost. And consider the benefit of good karma, of arriving at the end of your life with less bitterness, with memories of mercy and forgiveness and grace ... temper your frustration with compassion for the pain they must bear in such isolation.

You do need recognition of your work, and if they're not able to fulfill the task, you'll have to do it for yourself. Thank yourself for being what thread of possibility this family has and be patient. It may never happen.

Love,
Sophie

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Dear Sophie,

I lead a very busy but unfortunately somewhat lonely life. I've just recovered from a somewhat nasty breakup and the hole left by my former boyfriend is rather gaping. Even though the relationship had deteriorated over time, I find myself missing the companionship I had for going out for dinner and having a date for social events.

I've considered online dating, but I'm not sure where to start or if it's even a good idea.

What do you think?

Lost in a Sea of People

Dearest Lost,

I am a big advocate of using whatever tools are available to you to meet people. I would recommend giving personals sites a try with one caveat: no expectations.

That's not to say that you shouldn't be realistic about compatibility issues, of course, but approach the process without expectations of who you will meet and how much they will be able to offer you. Online dating is a great way to meet people who have common interests and goals, but you must keep in mind that the people behind those profiles are the same pool of candidates you meet in the grocery store, at bars, in libraries and at street festivals. Online sites are simply a way of expediting the process of meeting and getting to know potential suitors and friends. They also offer a much wider pool of candidates since you will come in contact with people you will have never had the opportunity to know otherwise.

Rule #1 should be to always be honest yourself and to expect the same in return. If you post photos of yourself, make sure that they're recent. When viewing the photos of others, be aware that they may or may not be recent photos themselves. Don't embellish the details in your profile, simply be yourself and seek others who are likewise up-front with their profiles.

Some want to move very quickly, offering phone numbers and arranging face-to-face meetings almost immediately and others may feel more comfortable giving the process a lot more time and development. Some hide important details like marital status but others may have difficulty with trust issues and simply need the process to feel comfortable in getting to know and trust you well enough before meeting.

Sometimes there's a tendency for such connections to be very transient. Some people make good solid connections very quickly but for others it could take months or years to find who they seek in a connection. Because of the relative anonymity of participants, they often feel less hesitation to simply dispose of connections and move on. Trust your instincts when you see "red flags" but don't jump to conclusions without thorough investigation.

For instance, many women automatically shy away from men who live with their parents. But if the parents are ailing, for instance, that could be a good sign of a man's devotion to family and willingness to put personal needs aside to care for family members.

In terms of safety, there are some well-known rules like withholding identity information until you have met and feel safe. A first meeting (perhaps even the first several meetings) should always take place in a neutral and public place, sometimes with "backup" like a friend in the background or a planned phone call to check in and make sure everything is going well. Most of the personals sites online will be able to offer you guidance.

A few of the more popular and reputable sites offer advice and built-in systems for reporting abuse. But these don't substitute for good common sense and trusting one's own instincts when it comes to individual connections made.

Where to start? Match.com and Yahoo.com both have a good reputation for bringing folks together on a local basis. SpringStreet networks provide a common database to sites like Salon.com and Onion.com but the perception of participants can vary depending on which site they joined through. You can search for people based on geography and a variety of criteria like physical attributes, income levels, parental/marital status, political/religious views, etc. but keep in mind that information in profiles are generally not verified. You must bear that responsibility for yourself and your own safety.

I recommend that you determine the "real name" of an individual before allowing much access to your personal life. You can check sex offender registries and criminal backgrounds online, with varying degrees of accuracy. Run a Google.com search on the person to see what comes up and make sure that you have some degree of personal knowledge of their professional identity before giving them information that they could use to find you should you decide to move on.

You can use this opportunity to expand your horizons on who you think you are seeking. I have heard many stories of successful connections from people who said that their first impressions were less rosy but they gave a person more time and patience and later discovered an unexpected level of compatibility.

It's very important to remember that if you are "rejected" by a person (or number of people) that it's not a reflection of your attractiveness to the right man for you. It's a process. While one man might not be interested in giving you the time of day, another will feel thrilled to have the privilege of your time and attention. It's simply a process of exploration, and you can learn a lot about men and about yourself if you approach it with a sense of adventure and fun, not taking it all too seriously.

I would bet that you will acquire a number of really good friendships even if you don't find "Mr. Wonderful" if you give yourself the leeway to experiment and explore without heavy expectations of yourself or your suitors.

And just because you use online dating sites doesn't preclude the potential of meeting someone "the old fashioned way"---keep your options open and approach all potential relationships with honest communication, and eventually you will meet someone with whom you want to explore life.

Love,
Sophie

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Dear Gentle Reader:

I've been listening to the news and being overwhelmed by the medical risks we face in our day-to-day living. Various forms of heart disease and cancer seem to be at the top of our risk list. People take extraordinary measures to lose weight, to stop smoking and to avoid risk factors as they are presented by ever-changing modern research. Eating nuts is bad on one diet, but good for you on another. Faux foods present us an opportunity to 'have our cake and eat it too.' And yet heart disease and cancer rates continue to rise.

Not being a medical doctor, I wonder why I've been so lucky all these years. I attribute my good health to a combination of genes, moderately good choices and a two rules that I stick to religiously.

I get plenty of sleep and I drink mostly water. I've also been exercising much more frequently for about the past year and I'm convinced that it has contributed greatly to my overall health, physical as well as mental.

Physical wellness definitely affects mental health and mental health likewise affects physical well-being. Carrying around emotional pain, bitterness, anger are a terrible burden on our bodies as well as our hearts. Studies show that laughter and love are good for our bodies!

How about you? What are your rules for healthful living? Please feel free to share with the class. We could use all the help we can get!

Love,
Sophie

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Dear Sophie,

Where have you been? Are you coming back?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Sorry for the lapse in communication, I'm still here! There's a LOT going on in my Other Life and I've simply had to refocus for awhile to get some things accomplished and explore new opportunities.

I'm here if you need me. Otherwise, look for another post before the weekend is out.

Love,
Sophie

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The following comment was posted anonymously today:

Gentle readers and responders:

"Whoever defines the words, defines the debate." --- Unknown

I have followed the discussion around Sophie's responses to 'Woman Scorned' with great curiousity, on professional and personal levels, for any number of reasons. As a professional 'helper', licensed to provide clinical services, with 25 years experience providing counseling services around the full gamut of human problems/issues in living, my interest was piqued by the vehemence of critical response to Sophie's input to 'WS'.

I can, therefore, easily relate to and understand the 'cautionary' input from other professional providers, and the personal experiences of the woman in relationship to a sexual addict. Yes, it's certainly possible that WS's spouse IS a sex addict. My opening quotation, of course references the possibility that the subject of this 'debate' isn't necessarily exhibiting 'pathological' behavior. My central point is that noone involved in the present discussion has sufficient information to make this determination. PERIOD!

I'm perturbed by the authorative 'tone' of the 'professional' response, in particular. Are you in the habit of assigning diagnostic labels to individuals with whom you've had absolutely no face-to-face contact?

How routinely do you base your professional assessments on so little information? Can any positive purpose be achieved by assigning a pejorative, negative value carrying diagnostic label to an individual you haven't even met? Can we agree on a central guiding principle of any and all helping professions as: 'First, do no harm'? I hope so, as here's my second and even larger interest in this 'lively' discussion, and where I'd like to take this exchange to a deeper level....

'Whoever defines the words, defines the debate.....' This quote gets to the root issues involved, it seems to me. 'Labelling' any issue logically determines the plan of action to address it. Problems or issues which aren't 'named' accurately or appropriately, thus, can't be corrected or fixed, obviously. A key and bedrock bottom piece is missing in this discussion, it seems to me, although it's suggested by the vehemence of the 'you're so wrong, I'm/we're so right' tone from the responses to Sophie.

POWER is at the core here, and the 'missing piece' no one is referencing directly. Each and every single one of us can do more right for others and ourselves by learning to look harder and deeper at how and where power operates in our daily lives, in our professional and personal lives.

Each of us has some degree of personal power, likewise, each and every one of us gives up at least some of that precious private 'stock', as well. Furthermore, those with the least of it seem altogether numb and ill-informed as to how POWER operates, in a culture where those with more POWER appear to exercise theirs without being conscious and aware of it's unintended consequences and effects.

All professional 'helpers' have significant 'power over others' by virtue of definition as expert and the accompanying status. It's been my experience that 'power with others' is a much more effective core value and mind-set in the 'business' of making positive change in 'maladaptive', 'abnormal' human behavior. If nothing else, the current exchange illustrates clearly that 'pathology' is in the eyes of 'beholders', making their own assumptions, based on personal experience/training. The 'subject' of this discussion is an INDIVIDUAL, personally known only by the person seeking Sophie's advice! He may or may not be a sex addict; we don't even know what 'porn' he's been caught looking at. Are we talking about sex acts, or exhibited bodies, for example? Human sexuality is complex, complicated and quite mysterious and problematic enough, as is, surely, without self-identified 'experts' passing judgement and assigning stigmatizing, shaming 'labels' to individuals they haven't met?

No one is an expert about any person they don't know: more and more of us recognize our selves as experts on our own lives, and most certainly have some RIGHTS to expect some INPUT in what directly affects us. The willingness to label anyone's behavior so negatively, sight unseen, on anyone's part is questionable for its lack of common courtesy and good manners.

As a professional clinician, I'm appalled at the lack of respect for human dignity evidenced in another professionals immediate leap to label any other person's behavior in the most toxic way possible, with only second-hand information from an 'other', equally unknown. Without more information, it's irresponsible and dangerous; might well make an obviously troubled marriage worse, or even end it. First, do no harm!

I'm troubled by the smug certainty of the professionals conclusion of sexual addiction, as well. We see what we look for, and don't know what we don't know.

Facile, but still true. We all view life thru the lens of our experience, learning, education, vocations; we all generalize in the attempt to make order, and feel some control in life. It's largely delusion, but human. From and thru the lens of treating addiction, addiction is what you see. Focus on a discrete 'subset' of the infinite variety of factors causing human misery and maladaptive behaviors is a disservice without a solid competent and thorough assessment. An open, inquiring mind is required to accomplish this, not tunnel vision! 'Cleaning windows' is a cherished metaphor in my personal practice of providing therapy: the professional responding would do better by his or her clients by pausing to apply strong cleaner along with mindful attention to their own dingy windows.

---Unsigned Comment posted 3/14/2005

Touché! Thanks for your participation in the conversation! I hope others will join in as well. And right on regarding the issue of POWER!

Love,
Sophie

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Dear Sophie,

(I sincerely hope that you post this letter, as it needs to be seen.)

Having been married to a sexual addict, I not only have to agree with Anonymous Reader, but will add that the advice you offered to Woman Scorned is not only wrong, but potentially damaging. There is so much wrong with your responses to both letters, I don't even know where to begin.

My advice to you.... Be INFORMED before you offer advice on a sensitive and painful subject you obviously have no knowledge of. An addiction is far more than a "reliance on an activity or behavior on a routine basis". To compare an addiction to the normal activities of daily living such as defecation and grooming completely outlines your ignorance in such matters. Obviously, there is not enough information in Woman Scorned letter to know if her husband is truly sexually addicted and if he is, I can assure you, there are things about her husband she does not know and perhaps never will.

But I CAN say it is obvious from her letter that she feels hurt and betrayed and he "thinks it is no big deal".

Apparently, you do not see pornography and extramarital affairs as a betrayal. Fine, but for many of us who have taken marriage vows, we are under the assumption that our sex life will be exclusive and that no others will be allowed into the realm of oursexual intimacy. I am sure Woman Scorned was under that same assumption.

Nowhere in WS letter did she say that her husband was"viewing porn 3 or 4 times", she stated he was CAUGHT viewing porn 3-4 times. I can assure you, if he was"caught" that many times, his actual viewing has been much greater. Likewise if he was "caught" and WS expressed her discomfort at his viewing porn and hecontinued to do it, I suspect he has a problem. It may not be addiction, but he obviously is hurting his wife and potentially damaging his marriage. Unlike you, I do not believe for a moment he was deliberately caught so he can open up the discussion of allowingporn into their marriage. I think it is perfectly plausible that he was "caught" because his viewing behavior is escalating and he is getting more reckless. This happens and is often how spouses of addicts discover pornography addictions.

Yes, men view porn....Many women as well. Couples view it together and in many cases it enhances their sexlife. For others, it becomes something far more sinister. Some are unable to stop themselves and must escalate in both severity and frequency. I happen to side with Susan Sontag who said "What pornographic literature does is precisely to drive a wedge between ones existence as a sexual being - while in ordinary life a healthy person is one who prevents such a gap from opening up".

In your response to Woman Scorned, you have taken a woman who is worried about her marriage, most likely feeling undesirable, "not enough" and made her feel worse by intimating that she is controlling and closedminded and have validated her husbands refrain of "it is no big deal".

Woman scorned NEEDS to see a marriage counselor, and fast. Yes, she needs to talk to her husband, but be warned, if he indeed does have a "problem" she will not get an honest response from him. He will continue to minimize his problem. I will be happy to suggest asupport site for spouses of sexual addicts...Perhaps you may benefit from such a site as well.

Sincerely Concerned

Dear Sincerely Concerned,

Thanks so much for your letter. Of course, I am happy to post it, as well as my response to your sincere concern.

I am sorry that you were married to a sexual addict, but again, I don't assume that anyone enjoying porn is necessarily a sexual addict (in fact, I would guess that there would be a minority percentage of those who use it who would become addicted, and that there would always be other or more intense symptoms besides that one described). Therefore, based on the information in the letter to which I was responding, I had no reason to believe that the husband is a sexual addict. Nor do I have any reason to believe that your experience with a sexually addicted spouse has anything to do with this person's experience. It's possible that it does, but I have been given no reason to believe that. Had the letter included more supporting evidence to your theory, maybe. But just because the wife reports that her husband thinks it's "no big deal" doesn't mean those were his words. There are two sides to every story, my dear.

I consider giving qualified reassurance a much less dangerous practice than doling out unqualified diagnoses based, apparently solely, on your own subjective experience (you are unaware of my background, of course, contrary to your statements). Your implied diagnoses are rather presumptuous. Of course, your experience was completely valid and true for you. Perhaps by reading your perspective, a woman will choose professional help. But I would be remiss in my pursuit of my mission if I said that I agree with you.

You didn't say whether you considered masturbation a form of betrayal? While you're correct that I do not consider the enjoyment of erotica inherently adulterous, where did you get the idea that I thought affairs were not? I must not have made myself clear when I discussed the difference between fantasy and behavior. Trying to control another's thoughts is spooky. Controlling one's own behavior, despite healthy, creative fantasy, is a sign of being mature, well-adjusted, responsible. Trying to control the thoughts or behavior of another person is not typically a healthy pursuit for either party.

Assuming that a person is truly sexually addicted (to me this means more than a level of interest---how is it affecting the rest of his life?), an addiction is not a betrayal of marital vows. Is an alcoholic unfaithful? An obese gambler? The object of an addiction is not something the addicted does TO anyone but him- or herself, although the effects are certainly widespread. But the addiction is self-inflicted. To handle an addiction as a character or moral flaw is not only cruel, but nonproductive, in my opinion.

Your letter is full of "I'm sure" and "obviously"---but all I saw were opinions of yours on matters to which you have no more knowledge than anyone else who read that same brief letter with limited information. And me. Are you so sure of others' intentions, feelings, experiences too? Are you really so clairvoyant or do you know the person who wrote the letter? Or me? Is it possible that there are variations of human experience which don't match identically? Could you possibly be rushing to judgment? That seems much more dangerous to me than the approach that I suggested.

My advice to you.... Be INFORMED before you offer advice on a sensitive and painful subject you obviously have no knowledge of. An addiction is far more than a "reliance on an activity or behavior on a routine basis".

I do believe that this is exactly the point I was making. You read my post too literally. You never stated your definition of addiction. By what standard are you measuring other people's addictions?

What is my opinon worth? I claim no more than to be for entertainment purposes only. The only qualifications I officially claim are that I'm happy and healthy. The details of my background and education are part of my mystery chick persona. It's just take it or leave it.

But I'm still not convinced that any experience with erotica necessarily clinches the diagnosis. There are just too many happily married, well-adjusted folks out there who recognize their (and each other's) primal instincts as being what they are.

In response to:

: if her husband is truly sexually addicted and if he
: is, I can assure you, there are things about her
: husband she does not know and perhaps never will.

I wouldn't doubt that for a second. I think that overreacting ("You're sick! You've betrayed me!") to her husband's interest could easily backfire and damage the intimacy between them, probably permanently. His interest would either be driven deep away from her or killed completely. ("Why doesn't he kiss my toes anymore?") It's certainly best for her to assume the best, give him the benefit of the doubt and learn more about what he's actually doing and why he's really doing it---while he is still so ready and inclined to share. I think it's incredibly naive to think that he was caught accidentally 3 or 4 times; it's too easy to keep such behavior a secret, especially if he knows ahead of time that he will be labelled addicted or a moral freak (in more fundamentalist settings).

The fact that a woman can feel so hurt and betrayed by this behavior is not necessarily an indictment of the behavior. Some people's criteria are questionable. Men and women. Just the fact that it bothers her, in and of itself, does not qualify the behavior or the husband's responsibility to it. If she is being unfairly demanding---based on her own feelings of well-adjustment, without any consideration to his at all---then it would certainly be healthier for their relationship for that to be considered before going to the extreme of labelling this fellow with a tag as strong and potentially damaging as "sexual addict"---wouldn't the wife WANT to at least consider alternatives? Shouldn't she first explore HIS thoughts on HIS thoughts before jumping to her own conclusions about his motivations? Is it possible that they can be incompatible without one of them being sick or demented or depraved or addicted?

Viewing pornography or erotica is simply a form of sexual fantasy. (Being addicted to it is QUITE another matter. No need to raise alarms unless one is presented with relevant information.) Would you say that the romance novels that have titillated women for decades are a form of marital betrayal too? Do you think that there's a difference between reading a Penthouse forum letter and a chapter from a romance novel? There isn't. Do they qualify as betrayal? Only if mutually and expressly agreed upon in advance.

"What pornographic literature does is precisely to drive a wedge between ones existence as a sexual being - while in ordinary life a healthy person is one who prevents such a gap from opening up."

With what precisely do you agree? How so? Drive a wedge between sexual identity and---what? I contend that the sexual being is so much a part of our essence, that there's no such thing as a separation of our selves from our sexual selves. They are one and the same. (Sounds healthy then.) One can either be numb or not, or somewhere in between, depending on our ability to accept variation in ourselves and each other, to allow ourselves the vulnerability to delve into true levels of intimacy.

I had no intention of making you or Woman Scorned or anyone feel badly, just the opposite. I'm saying that the described behavior of the husband is in no way a reflection of his love, integrity, faithfulness, level of attraction. There's no reason for a woman to feel badly about herself, even if the worst case scenario were true and he really was addicted. How could his addiction be because of her? That makes no sense.

As long as anyone continues to see themselves as victim of another's behavior, there's going to be trouble, whether the behavior is addictive or not. She (and anyone in her case) needs to simply decide whether the couple is compatible enough to meet her needs. That's empowering advice. I'm telling her (and anyone in her case) that her sense of beauty, worthiness, sexuality is about what comes from inside of her, from no one else. And that sexual intimacy is achievable if we put away our template diagnoses and work to overcome feelings of inadequacy in comparison with women who are essentially cartoon characters in fantasy lives.

Thanks for your recommendation on the sexual addiction site, but I have no need for it myself nor for anyone I know. I'd be happy to post it on your behalf for anyone interested in the topic. Your sense of alarm, implied diagnoses are interesting---but none too compelling. Your indignation on the subject is interesting, too.

I will grant you that perhaps W.S. needs a marriage counselor to help her sort through the issues. But really, only she and her husband can decide that. I would guess that if they were to seek therapy, they would find the dynamic driving this issue to be very complex and multi-layered. And neither of them to blame for it.

Keep in touch!

Love,
Sophie

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Dear Sophie,

Why do we cling to relationships that are hurtful, abusive or neglectful? Why do we want to sleep out in the cold alone when there is warmth to be had? How can he hurt me and think that I can possibly stay?

Confused and Bewildered

Dear C'n'F,

Whoa. Okay, here goes.

We cling to pain because it is predictable. Happiness is less so. It's scarier.

Sleeping out in the cold alone is about space and air. Some folks are claustrophic in a physical sense, some in an emotional or spiritual sense. Open space is fresh air, being tethered is drowning and floating is the safety of constant motion.

Why does he hurt you and think you'll stay? He doesn't think you'll stay. He hopes you'll stay. Why does he hurt you? Intentionally? Isaac Hayes always said (by the time I get to Phoenix, yes he did) something like 'some people wanna go and confuse love and kindness for weakness' and that is so true. Sometimes a person is so unaccustomed to givingness and grace that love and warmth and affection seem to always come in a guise. It's a form of fear, I think, but still. It all becomes this choreographed negotiation of control.

Is it better to be strong or to be kind? If the two had to be mutually exclusive, I'd still go for "kind"---being invulnerable to pain is a sign that there's a lack of investment. Quiet strength is a form of kindness, it's a sense of responsibility that we take in holding ourselves together enough to invite intimacy with others. Perceiving pure kindness, loving grace as weakness is a very common mistake.

But the essence of kindness is its inherent forgiveness and compassion for mistakes. And so while he continually negotiates the emotional separation between you, he is still absorbing the warmth of that reassurance. Strength and love are not mutually exclusive. Sometimes strength is in vulnerability, indulgence, patience. And sometimes it's in the leaving. Only you can decide. You'll know when.

Love,
Sophie

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The following letter was posted as a comment on yesterday's column but because of formatting issues on the page, appears invisible. I am reposting it with my response:

Sophie,

You were way off base with your advise to Woman Scorned. I have worked in couples therapy for almost 15 years now and here's the truth. Pornography is an addiction just like heroin, and, to many wives, it is the ultimate betrayal and often times even worse than a spouse having an affair with a flesh-and-blood person. It takes more and more graphic pictures and words to satisfy the voyeur, and a spouse can never compete with the pornographic images held by the person addicted to it. Pornography will not open the door for pillow talk about mutual sexual fantasies. It only leads to more duress for the one who isn't addicted to it. I strongly recommend Woman Scorned seek professional help in dealing with her feelings of betrayal and other issues which are impacting her marriage. She needs to have the courage to ask her porn-addicted spouse to join her in counseling to save their marriage. This is a ticking bomb about to explode. I've seen it all too often.

Dear Anonymous Reader,

I very much appreciate your opinion and your willingness to post it, but I must respectfully disagree with you.

First, not too long ago (and still in some places) popular theory in psychology was that homosexuality was a dangerous addiction, a malady of the psyche. As was masturbation. Is that a dangerous addiction too? Many people, both men and women, are just as offended by their partner's interest in masturbation (both shared and solitary) as they are pornography and extramarital affairs. They see it as a betrayal (say what?!). Would you term those dangerous addictions as well? These are but two more modern examples of where the science of psychology needed evolution. Modern psychology does not impress me with its assessments of this issue if the current trend is in thinking that people who enjoy pornography or erotica are the psychological equivalent of heroin addicts.

What is an addiction? The reliance on an activity or behavior on a routine basis? Are we then addicted to eating (it only leads to overeating---for those with other problems!) and defecating and bathing and brushing our teeth? Who decides when a routine activity goes from being a normal reaction to a healthy bodily function to a dangerous behavior on the par of heroin addiction or capable of, in and of itself, destroying a marriage? I would say that there's a lot more at play in these troubled marriages than naked photos or dirty words.

While its true that any enjoyable activity can become an addiction, viewing it 3 or 4 (or even 8 or 10) times in a month hardly qualifies as addictive behavior. Had the gentleman referenced been missing work and turning a cold shoulder to his responsibilities, of course, professional intervention might proof helpful. But not necessarily.

Of the persons I have known who step forward to counsel others on matters of the psyche, a number of them are noticably neurotic themselves (aren't we all?). I'm not saying that you are, of course, I don't even know you. But the folks who put together whatever research supports your theory are themselves human and subjective.

What is normal behavior? Wouldn't that be behavior which is common to the majority of humans? I'm not specifying men here because I know many women who have enjoyed pornography and erotica both alone and with their lovers for decades and had nothing but enjoyment and adventure as a result of it. Their needs for titillation did not escalate over time. What is the time bomb to which you refer, I wonder?

I am personally aware of very few truly happy marriages, both young and mature. I think that's because this sort of mutual molding is encouraged and acceptable in our society and that the lack of intimacy that results is corrosive. I believe that the most dangerous addiction in most marriages is in the desire for control over a partner's thoughts, feelings, behavior and appearance. But of those happy marriages of which I am aware, a vast majority of them have relaxed their competition with The Rest of the World in dealing with the neurosis of jealousy. And the happiness followed.

It makes me sad, really breaks my heart, that there are couples whose marriages are in trouble enough to seek therapy and that rather than focusing on the communication and intimacy issues, the self-confidence and mutual acceptance of each other's real selves, they are instead told that one or the other of them is an "addict" and the nonaddict's jealous behaviors are reinforced, and even worse, used to shame the other.

Erotica is not inherently addictive. That's like saying that smoking cigarettes leads to smoking pot and that smoking pot or drinking will only lead to harder drugs. While both may be true for certain addictive personalities, I personally believe that they are not true for the vast majority of people who enjoy these activities. (Apply the food/overeating analogy: If addiction develops, regardless of the object of that addiction, there's something else going on and manifesting most visibly on this issue.) I say this from the personal experience of witnessing very intimately one 60-year-marriage as well as the marriages of other people I know of anywhere from 2 to 20 or 30+ years (in which the presence of porn or erotica was not considered threatening). If this wife thinks that her husband viewing pornography is the basis of their marital troubles, I would bet my house that there are more fundamental problems afoot which are deeply entrenched in control issues.

It can be easy to think that dominance and control issues always manifest as obvious and demanding behavior, but in fact, reticent men and women can be just as controlling, albeit often with more passive (but no less aggressive) methods of asserting their control.

Show me a marriage in which neither partner has ever enjoyed erotica and I will show you one that involves two people leading emotionally detached and mechanical lives in the same house. (Or the partner/s are very good at keeping it a secret, which I suspect is the norm, and damaging to intimacy, trust, communication.) But I find the secret-keeping much more alarming than the subject matter of the secret. If a wife hides the amount she spent at the store or the husband hides his communication with female friends, it's the same problem. Communication, trust and intimacy, not addiction.

Making a person feel that s/he is sick because they enjoy the safe and anonymous outlet of erotica is both cruel and dangerous, in my opinion. (How many affairs devastate pornless households?) Am I a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist? No. I am a student of human nature and I am a happy person who enjoys the rich, multicolored tapestry that has woven together our universe and all of the souls in it. But happiness is a choice we make for ourselves. And that's where I think it's dangerous to encourage the idea that the wife's happiness and self-image are the responsibility of the husband, especially if it involves her being encouraged to control his thought processes in an unnatural way. I think that this "diagnosis" will only serve to drive the natural instincts into hiding. Or kill the libido, the intimacy, the marriage all together. This doesn't mean that she should force herself into joining in the fun (she may or may not be invited) nor feel inadequate in any way because of her lack of interest. She simply decides: can I be okay with this? Or are we simply incompatible (again, no blame)?

My advice to others is simply that: MY advice. I believe that life is all about choices and the primary choice we make every day is whether to love ourselves and those in our lives. By choosing love, the requisite skills of forgiveness, compassion, acceptance and emotional autonomy naturally follow, most importantly toward oneself but by chain reaction to all those in our daily lives. That leads to happiness.

Your experiences as a counselor are perfectly valid, of course. But you claim with such authority that there is always a severe problem when your exposure to porn lovers is seemingly limited to those with ... well, severe problems (troubled marriages). How many folks read erotica and never make it into the offices of psychologists because they are happy and well-adjusted? I'm guessing that this would be the vast majority of those who do, based on my experience in our society.

If I were a counselor and this couple came to me for guidance, I would delve into the woman's self-image issues, her need for control of her mate (and the relationship) as a form of sexual reassurance, and their communication skills on intimate levels.

Thanks again for your feedback. Please feel free to extend the conversation.

Love,
Sophie

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