Dear Sophie,

I've been dating for the past 2 years after having ended a 20-year marriage to a man who cheated on me repeatedly, among other problems. As the result of the pain I experienced in that marriage, I have made it my vow not to ever sleep with a man unless I knew for sure that he's not married or committed to another. So even after I know for sure that he's really available, I have a hard time opening up and feeling comfortable having sex as quickly as most men want these days. Our society changed a lot while I was married. I feel like such a prude but really I'm not. I'm not looking for another marriage but at the same time I don't like the idea of a revolving bedroom door either. I'm confused and it seems like no matter which way I go I end up sending out the wrong message not to mention running men off. What have you got to say for me?

Tired in Transylvania

Dear Tired,

There's nothing MORALLY wrong with having sex with random strangers or with people with whom you have little to no connection or experience otherwise. Just like there's nothing wrong with eating a Big Mac from the drive through while you're on your way to the mall. But is it really soul-satisfying nourishment? How well does it serve your longer term needs for sustenance? And is adequate sustenance a short-term or long-term fulfillment of those needs?

There can even be a delicious enjoyment of the wicked-good indulgence of your body's physical needs for touch and expression with someone you barely know and are not sure you'll ever see again. Can you turn off your emotional and spiritual needs for touch and expression long enough to enjoy it? Most likely. But what happens afterward? What do you do to fill those voids when your sex partner has moved on to other partners, or simply lost interest and wandered away?

I've personally always preferred sex inspired by love to love inspired by sex. What exactly does that mean? Well, that depends.

That doesn't mean you'd have to be married or even in a committed, monogamous relationship in order to enjoy the benefits of emotional and spiritual aspects added to a physical relationship. There's no magic number of dates or certain words that should be uttered to signal the threshold into sexual adventure. No magic sequence of events or criteria to be met. It's different for everyone, and will be different for each potential partner you meet.

What is most important is feeling the mutual respect not only for one's time and physical needs, but for honest, open communication of what is happening in the moment and what can be expected from one another in the foreseeable future. How many of us have thrown ourselves into a hot sexual relationship only to regret the investment later, when we feel abandoned, taken for granted, used or manipulated? I have heard so many times, "If only I hadn't slept with him!" or "At least I didn't sleep with him!" as the first expression after a connection disconnects for whatever reason.

Is this a gender-based phenomenon? I really don't know. I've never heard a man regret having sex with anyone at any time (at least not that was admitted to me, and I have a lot of male friends with whom I dish pretty intensely) unless the woman ended up being infected with a disease, getting pregnant or becoming a stalker. The emotional aspect doesn't seem as critical to some (most?) men, but I'd be ecstatic to be hear otherwise. And perhaps you're a woman who doesn't need that feeling of connectedness to a sexual partner. But it's certainly okay (healthy, normal, nurturing) if you do.

Our society, in its push for female sexual liberation, has had a tendency to make women feel as if they need to be promiscuous in order to assert their independence and emotional fortitude. Women who yearn for an emotional connection and some sense of spiritual continuity with their partners are conveyed as needy, dependent, insecure or emotionally fragile. Quite the contrary, seeking and expecting a solid emotional connection with your sexual partners---and abstaining from sexual activity until those needs are adequately fulfilled---are the signs of a woman who is in control of her own life, not seeking validation and reassurance through acts of purely physical sexuality which ring hollow in the aftermath of the moment of passion.

In terms of sending out the "wrong message" I think that as long as the message you send out is clear, is honest and truly reflects your personal, spiritual and physical needs, you really can't go wrong. If that message pushes potential partners away or causes them to lose interest, you're really so much better off in the long run. You owe yourself a life of quality, fulfilling connections with those who truly care about your needs as well as their own. Anything less will leave you questioning your own value and judgement.

How to deal with the loneliness? Here's an epiphany: we're all lonely. As much as we fear loneliness, it's inevitable and there's really nothing to be afraid of. People who are married get lonely, people who are single and have many love interests get lonely. You can't escape loneliness with sex, with a lifetime marriage, with dozens of friends or sex partners or with drugs, alcohol, food or shopping. Loneliness is part of the human condition. (See the R.E.M. video linked at the end of this post, a FAVORITE of mine!)

We really shouldn't be afraid of loneliness, but it's one of the primary fears prevalent in our society and the incredibly powerful force behind so many bad decisions we make on small and large scales, including the extramarital affairs that plague marriages. But like other forms of hunger, the pangs of loneliness will pass. Yes, they will inevitably return again, but we are so much better able to bear those empty moments when we have our own approval, our own esteem, our own stores of validation and reassurance from which we can draw comfort and sustenance. What if we had given them all away to someone who squandered them or left them crumpled under our beds?

Be who you are. Hold on tight to her, never let her go. It's never easy, but you're ever-so-worth it!

Love,
Sophie

This is my favorite Christmas story and I wanted to share it.

A Christmas Memory by Truman Capote.

Absolute best when read aloud in front of a fire ... Merry Christmas!

Love,
Sophie

Awhile back I talked about personal mission statements. These are very important in providing direction and a sense of purpose to our lives. Mine is to love the world, and feel its love in return. That's what truly matters to me in the overall scheme of things.

When I'm feeling unsure, when I'm afraid, when I'm not sure of the wisdom of loving, I go looking for evidence of it and its impact on lives both familiar and strange to me. And I am constantly reminded. Everywhere I look, there is evidence of love and its profound power. I live in the same world as you. Do you see it?

"You can change people. Unconditional love on a daily basis can melt a stone." ---James Taylor, 12/23/07 on Sunday Morning

"There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for? And what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love." ---Johnny Depp as/in Don Juan DeMarco

I have a friend out there who is having trouble at church with gossip and personal politics. Sometimes life is so unfair.

But our hopes of ever affecting a dynamic that is THAT systemic in our society and in our social constructs (and church really is a social construct, isn't it?) is to acknowledge the futility of trying to totally eradicate it. In other words, there's only so much you can do. The rest is just coping.

I can't remember where I read one of my myriad mottos: Live your life so that it doesn't matter what anyone says about you, even if what they're saying isn't true. Part of that has to do with your perceptions of yourself and part of that is supporting the perceptions of others about you. If the people in a social group know you and see you participating in the gossip ring, even if only to defend yourself, you have reduced your credibility and increased their willingness to believe anything that they hear. If, however, you can rise above participation in the game, even if it's not fair and even if what is being said is not true, you are more likely to convey integrity rather than guilt of the accusations being made.

Of course, if the allegations are severe (such as those with legal implications) then you have to take action rather than remaining passive. The best way to end that sort of behavior is to calmly seek legal assistance and let your lawyer handle the matter. Sometimes simply saying, "I'll have to talk to my lawyer" is enough to quell the rumors.

It's especially sad to hear that this problem is so ingrained in your church, where these sorts of nasties are especially out of place. And the fact that the leaders of your church are involved is even more disturbing. I suggest that you consider membership in another group more able and willing to live and exemplify the ideals they gather to espouse. I'm not sure which religion this church symbolizes, but it sounds inappropriate for any religion or spirituality, since most have as their basis the universal themes of love and forgiveness.

Your resilience and grace are your greatest "weapons" in this self-defense. And as for the long-lasting effects on you, forgiveness will be key. That doesn't mean letting this continue to happen.

Love,
Sophie
PS---I don't publish letters unless you ask me to, by the way. Many of my posts are in response to letters or conversations with folks seeking input. And some are just reminders to myself.

What do you do? What CAN you do? When your deepest most secret dream starts to actually come true? What if you really ARE dreaming, and it's just an illusion of your projected longings? What if it were a great Cosmic Hoax meant to pop you on the nose like a newspaper and remind you of the austerity necessary for growth? What if it is suddenly Christmas everywhere, all the time, even in your sleep ... ?

On the long, wild ride our lives have been, there are times when we seem at the very center of the Universe, with solid land horizons in every direction. A step in any direction is a confident, if not eager, step on massive solid known territory. Sometimes the horizon chokes us and sometimes we wrap ourselves in it round and round and seal ourselves tight in its futility. We sleep easily, knowing we have a 360 degree view of our daily lives and all's quiet on every front.

Other times, we are on the very edge of what is Known, True and Real. We FEEL that edge upon which we are teetering with nothing but black space around us. If we fall in (if we dare jump?) will we land in water or on rocks? In a deep green bed of wild moss woven with flower blossoms or into someone's evening fire? Will it hurt?

What is there to do then? What choice do we have ... ?

Swan dive!

Love,
Sophie

People are ALWAYS wondering, "Where did the love go?"

Long-term relationships seem inevitably doomed to either hostile aggression and/or seething or civil tolerance. What happens to the passion? The sexual energy? The warm and fuzzy butterflies? Are they all gone forever? It depends.

It depends on the amount of damage done by the time you come to your senses, and on circumstantial interference like "other women" and "other men" as well as the pursuit of healing, professional development, spiritual enlightenment, etc.

But even in the seemingly most dire of circumstances, it's not totally unfeasible that you could turn it around IF you were both really, reeeeeally wanting it and if you both have the capacity for real forgiveness. Because that's the first step. Forgiveness. You have to BOTH forgive and "forget".... which doesn't mean that you necessarily lose the memory or even the pain of it, but more specifically that you NEVER bring it up again, unless the Offender wants to do extra penance and brings it up themselves, and certainly never negotiate with it, either explicitly or implicitly.

Whether the issues are large or small, you have to be willing to let them go. Turn off the microscope; stop chip, chip, chipping away at your mate with your nitpicking (literally, like picking nits, we obsess ourselves with the preening and cultivation of someone ELSE's life. So much less scary than really dealing with our own).

The other step is that you realize the importance of "slack" and you learn to actively cultivate it rather than wait passively for it to manifest. It won't. It won't come naturally at this point. You're probably not going to just spontaneously combust into flames of passion for someone you believe to be in need of major repairs. Stop blaming this person for the imperfections in your life; let go of the idea that this person reflects YOU! It doesn't matter if he wears plaids with stripes, it doesn't matter if her skirt is shorter than you think appropriate. It just doesn't matter. Imagine a life with the absence of criticism and correction. You would be amazed at the impact it has.

You have to learn to loosen the leash you have each other on ... keep your mouth closed the next time you want to say, "But of course YOU can't find it!" or "Do you really think you need a third drink?" or "That is NOT how that's pronounced!" See how many times you can bite your tongue and if you really want to add icing to the cake, celebrate each of those Moments of Grace with a compliment or a kindness extended to the person with whom you are attempting reparations.

The power of unconditional love and unconditional acceptance is no less than phenomenal. That's why early relationships are so spectacular. At THAT point, we are perfect, in the eyes of our Beloved and therefore, our own eyes. Only a rare few remember the value of mutual idol worship on the daily lives as well as the libido.

And, hey, I'm not talking about serious abuses of trust here. I hope it goes without saying that emotional or physical abuse, infidelity and intentional dishonesty all constitute an entirely different set of circumstances.

I'm talking about the majority of relationships which simply "drift apart" over time and leave both scratching their heads and wondering what went wrong. I'm talking about those dealing with the cumulative effect of years of tiny infractions, veiled hostility, profound disappointment, feelings of rejection and emotional abandonment. If you can forgive, if you can bite your tongue, if you can extend yourself lovingly without expectation of outcome, without bargaining or trying to claim credits ... you can do it. You can repair even the most damaged or distant of relationships.

You are, after all, not strangers. It's your intimacy that brought you here, to this place of great emotional distance and inseparable misery. It's your intimacy, your Love like the love you give when you are your best, that will pull you out when you are at your worst. Just LET GO of those heavy, greasy feelings of resentment and practice, practice, practice letting it GO.

Someone once said, don't know who, something like, 'It's when we deserve love the least that we need it the most.' The ideas with which we "practice" in our daily lives are indeed practice. That term implies the lack of perfected skill and the need for constant forgiveness and fortitude. For those who attain happiness, it is Love that we practice in our daily lives at every moment. And Love certainly is contingent upon constant and unrelenting forgiveness. And if we can forgive each other, it is all the easier to forgive ourselves. And that's important because I think most times, that's who we're really so angry with anyway.

Love,
Sophie

Dealing with anger? Cary Tennis nails it. Again.

Whoa.

It's definitely time. If you're a fan of eggnog, and SPIKED eggnog at that, this is the time you need to be laying in your supply of Evan Williams eggnog for the holidays. In the Asheville area, it gets gone quickly and every ABC store will tell you the same thing: not again until next year.

What I love about this eggnog (besides the Evan Williams bourbon with which it is so very generously laced!) is that the eggnog part is not so thick and rich as the real dairy version. This is sort of like a cream liqueuer with eggnog flavors and spices. I'd swear I taste nutmeg.

You need only chill and pour this holiday nectar. I like to get a few bottles for celebrating, for enjoying in front of my fire when all the chaos dies down, and for the late-winter nostalgia I'll enjoy when the world is parched white and the holidays have faded into attics and basements. It makes a very tasty substitute for creamer in your coffee, but not wise if you're heading out.

And, please, PlEaSe, PLEASE don't drive after drinking. This stuff sneaks up on you faster than most sipping drinks and you need to be either chauffeured or grounded until after you sleep again. Don't let yourself be responsible for a holiday accident that could decimate your life or the lives of others.

If you're too late, check other markets or order online. It makes a great house gift, too. Of course, it goes without saying that you need some holiday music playing when you imbibe. If you don't have any holiday music, well. Then you have another stop while you're out!

Love,
Sophie

Dear Sophie,

I am dating a wonderful man who has two kids age 8 and 11 with another woman. I've never had kids and pretty sure I can't. I don't like the kids mom at all, but I love both of them and we all get along really well. This will be our first holidays together and he wants to hold our celebration of Christmas when the kids can be there to share it with us. They live with their mom for the most part but he gets unlimited visitation. I want to spend time with the kids, too, but I'd like for our "official" Christmas to be just us two. He won't even think about exchanging gifts or sharing a special meal both with and without them. He will only celebrate when they are with us. I don't want to spend every holiday catering to his and his kids schedule and having them involved in every celebration. Why can't we have two? Am I being unreasonable?

Grinch

Dear Grinch (don't be so hard on yourself!),

I strongly suspect that the separation of this man from his children is pretty recent. And whether or not that's the case, he is still very sentimentally attached to them. As parents, it's important to many to make our children a part of our own and us a part of their holiday memories. He likely feels some ambivalence about moving on in life without them at his side, even if it's never far and they see each other often. He may feel some sense of guilt even though he has nothing to feel guilty about. And maybe he is just one of those rare and incredible parents who are so enraptured with their children that nothing has the same joy as that which they can share with their kids.

Whatever the case, I think you have to consider this man a package deal. There are some areas in other's lives we must simply recognize as sacred. Whatever his reasons, and however reasonable your reasons are as well, his kids are a part of all his holidays. He may also be recognizing how quickly kids grow up and move on to make their own holiday traditions, sometimes without us for whatever reason, and that these years are too precious to be wasted. A way of storing things away sentimentally for a time of inevitable change, and sometimes even loss.

Since you asked, I'd advise you to join the club. The fact that you're invited into an event so obviously special to him is a great acknowledgement and a high honor. If you attend cheerfully, they will be equally honored for having the benefit of your grace and dignity. If you can't do so cheerfully, it's best for you to bow out gracefully and decide whether you're interested in extending a post-holiday invitation. Your days of quiet one-on-one celebrations can be just as special when they are made in the middle of the week and for no apparent reason other than that you are celebrating having found each other.

However valid your concerns, you shouldn't discourage this sense of love, commitment, loyalty in this man. If you allow him that, you will likely inspire a comparable sense of loyalty and commitment from him yourself. You know now that this is who he is. You have the right to your own needs and you simply have to prioritize them. Which do you need most? Are you willing to accept the costs? Only you can decide that. And you're perfectly justified no matter what you choose.

I wish you and yours the warmest, most joyous holiday season ever.

Love,
Sophie

I know SOOOO many people who are in or approaching midlife (or later) and are depressed. They haven't accomplished as much as they'd wanted, they're in dead-end jobs or boring careers, they're in debt beyond their ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel, they're in unfulfilling relationships that have sapped the life out of them but they are not motivated to either change the relationship or get out of it. Most of these folks seem mired in fear.

But how do you banish fear? It's scary! But less so with a plan. Courage is not the absence of fear, it's the ability to face the fear and work through it. There is nothing brave or courageous about accomplishing things that were never a challenge to begin with.

For those in this situation, wondering how they'll ever find themselves out, I suggest a simple and useful tool that has done amazing things for me. The Five Year Plan (FYP). My FYP is always changing as goals are accomplished, or my path rerouted in the face of new information or motivations. In other words, it's not a COMMITMENT to the final outcome, only a commitment to the process of pursuing it. Action is action, no matter which direction it's in. But so many of us have trouble making that first step because we are either overwhelmed with fear and/or have no idea in which direction we're headed. It's like going out for groceries without knowing where the store is or heading to the store we know without an idea of what we want to buy.

My FYP is one that includes all aspects of my life: personal (relationships), health, professional. educational (because I'm a life-long learner), and financial.

It doesn't HAVE to be in writing, but it's helpful if you've never worked with a five-year plan before. The long term nature of this plan acknowledges that changes don't happen overnight and that they take a tremendous amount of effort, patience, courage, resources. Think of your life as a big cruise ship---you can't turn that ship on a dime, you need to have a wide berth and plenty of time.

So think about picking just one of those areas, the one that most needs your attention. List your options. What are the costs and benefits of each option? Do other areas of your life need to change in order to accommodate your plan in that area? What do you need to do to initiate those changes?

For instance, once I had to find a new job. I had a job already, so didn't have the time to search during the day. I worked at it online at night. I made a goal to send out at least one application per week and found my dream job about 6 weeks later.

I wanted to get out of credit card debt. I knew I couldn't pay it off at credit card interest rates, so I devised a plan to refinance my home to lower the rate so that I could pay it off faster. But first I had to improve my credit to get the best possible rate. I reviewed and corrected my credit report, I paid off smaller debts and I shopped for refi packages. A year later, I was out of credit card debt, but the debt was transferred from my equity. So that became the next step ...

You get the idea. If you don't own a home, you figure out how to buy one. If you don't have the degree you need for the job you want, you figure out how to get back in school. If you don't have the car you need to make the trip to the new job, you work on the car first. As Bill Murray chanted in What About Bob?---"littletinybabysteps, littletinybabysteps"---they may be tiny, but they are steps in a direction, SOME direction that will ultimately lead you to somewhere new. Which is way better than still sitting on the couch, complaining about your lot in life.

So what's your goal? What's your plan? January 1st is coming soon. I quit smoking on January 1st two years ago, a feat I thought I could never accomplish. But I did it with littletinybabysteps and a simple plan that led me out of my addiction to nicotine.

There is no end to the possibilities of the world you can create for yourself.

Love,
Sophie

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

Ohmigod! Marshmallows come in FLAVORS! And if you google "raspberry marshmallows" you get lots of recipes! Hot cocoa will never be the same. But then again, the recipes recommend chocolate fondue.

I think fondue pots should come back into vogue. Cheese fondue is even better than chocolate. Let's start them back up by giving fondue pots as gifts to all our Beloveds. I can see fondue and cold beer (whatever happened to Chihuahua?) on the porch or patio in summer (sterno is a wonderful invention, be sure to get a pot that's not electric) and in front of the fireplace in winter.

And an added unrelated consumer tip: if having the ultimate razor is of interest to you (and if it's not, it could be after you try it), the Schick Quattro is AMAZING! Four blades. Stock up. It's the time of year for skin on skin under feathery covers, and this razor actually changes the feel of your skin. It's that good. A light rub of almond oil on still damp skin and you will feel like velvet. And you know how we love velvet!

Happy Wednesday!

Love,
Sophie

I've heard a lot about holiday depression lately. A sinking feeling that comes with Halloween and doesn't clear until after the New Year. Some withdraw completely and others might walk around in a fog of isolation, feeling invisible (and even liking it that way) or mildly frightened by the decadence or hopeless in the gift-wrapped reminder that another year has passed and the time has come for reflection.

The thing to remember is that it's all so very relative. If you think of the world in a much larger perspective, outside of the paradigms of your existence (your neighborhood, your social class, your people, your experiences, your history, your tastes and distastes), you can't help but be reminded of a few things. Like how incredibly lucky you are, no matter who you are. And how little those things matter. THOSE THINGS being the money, the perfect body, the fast car, the immaculate house, the enviable job. When you think about it, we're all struggling in some way or another and you can't really tell by looking at someone, even someone you know well, and assume how easy or hard are their struggles.

As far as I know, and speaking strictly from my own experience, the root of most people's depression is in the despair they get from comparing themselves to others they consider more fortunate. The sad thing, the counterproductive aspect of that practice, is that they look at the wrong things, the wrong people. For those depressed, they see only their own failings rather than their own blessings and they see only the blessings of others, rather than their struggles.

In other words, if the same practice were applied to those struggling with adversity rather than winning the lottery---we would be reminded not only of how very fortunate we each are, but that we are not alone in our struggles. The feeling of isolation comes from believing that no one understands us, no one appreciates us, no one cares about our struggles. In fact, many of those we are observing passively with envy are themselves observing us with the same level of envy because they are likewise unaware.

It is an utter waste for us to continue to walk through our days in isolation; we owe it to ourselves and to each other to DO THE HARD THING and burst out of our bubble to not only SEE what others' lives are like, but to support them as we would like to be supported.

Strangely enough, once we start helping someone else, that feeling of productivity and purpose is soooooo therapeutic.

So this holiday season, if you are struggling with depression, give yourself a gift: volunteer for a local nonprofit. Call the United Way and they can guide you to a cause that needs you most and which fits your interests and talents. Everyone has interests and talents, even if it's sitting and reading to an elderly patient long forgotten by family or delivering a meal to a homebound neighbor. You can't participate in life and hold on to your depression.

Hopefully it goes without saying that if your depression comes to the point of limiting you in terms of work or home life, or if you have feelings of wanting to hurt someone or yourself, a professional must get involved. If you know someone who is suffering to that extent, your support can help make that connection with professional resources.

Are we our brothers keeper? Absolutely. Otherwise, why are we here?

Love,
Sophie

My Thanksgiving was no less than fantastic. Of course, there were mishaps. But there were really great saves, too. When the caramel on the pie apples got scorched, we rinsed the apple slices and started over. The dough was too warm and tore all to hell, but we added a little flour and re-rolled it. When the gravy got lumpy as it cooled, I added a little water, stuck it in the microwave to reheat it and kept going. No one even noticed the chaos.

The quote of the day: "It's like Christmas at Thanksgiving, only with Halloween candy and voodoo dolls!"

A good time was had by all.

Love,
Sophie

Thanksgiving Day can present special challenges. How to spend time around PEOPLE without losing that warm fuzzy feeling and ending up in the fetal position in bed tonight?

The thing I try to remember most, going into it, is, "How do I want to be remembered when this day is done?" However fleeting the joy of needling someone who deserves it may be, even more enduring are the queasy feeling I will have in my own gut and the effects of that behavior on other people. Again, it's not about whether they deserve it or not. I know, I know there is revenge to be exacted or Ms. Righteous-to-be-Reminded of just how whatever and blah, blah, blah ...

But this year, especially (ESPECIALLY) if there are children present, don't go there. Don't be the star in yet another archived Miserable Holiday. Don't choose to allow yourself to be engaged by other people's neediness and pain. Don't choose to let the comments and suggestions (ohhhh, the SUGGESTIONS!) that others offer to improve your life and health and success lure you down the wrong path.

Today, be the smiling, glowing Gandhi or Mother Teresa who lives within you.

Just don't do it. You can make a million excuses (all valid, no less!) about why it's only reasonable, only fair for you to just SAY it. So many wicked statements begin with, "I was just saying..."

So for today, for tomorrow, for Saturday and every day---but just for that one day---don't say it. You'll be happier in the long run.

Love,
Sophie

This is a really good time to introduce you to Hove Parfumeur, an old, ooooold favorite of mine. This family-owned old-fashioned parfumery sits in the heart of the French Quarter in New Orleans and offers a wide variety of very unique, haunting scents. If I were going to New Orleans, I would not miss a visit to this shop but even those travel-challenged like myself can enjoy the mystique from far, far away. They are online! (Linked from my favorites bar for your continuing convenience.)

Hove has provided me my signature scent, which I wear when I'm on the prowl. But it also inspired me to expand my interest beyond aromatherapy and pure essential oils into the exploration of infused natural scent oils. My favorites are light florals like lilac and gardenia, blended with light touches of essential oils like sandalwood and amber.

Scent, even without the therapeutic properties of essential oils, is a powerful influence on our happiness and health. Any sensory stimulation is going to impact our psyches and physiologies in ways very easily explained and completely mystifying. But we are human animals after all. We can insulate our connection to our natural environment, but we can never completely severe the relationship. Thank goodness!

Do you like the way you smell? Does your home invite you in with its scent? Do you experiment with new scents and their influence on your world? It's worthy research.

Love a bunch,
Sophie

Gentle Reader, you should know about Cary Tennis. He is my hero, the ultimate advice columnist. Here is a particularly good column.

O! Happy Sunday! It is a fire day, a walk day, a good day for outside chores so that I can blend a few hours of productivity with a breath of that golden air.

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Let us go and make our visit.
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.
And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair -
(They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!")
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin -
(They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!")
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all -
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?
And I have known the eyes already, known them all -
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?
And I have known the arms already, known them all -
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
(But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!)
Is it perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?...
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep ... tired ... or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet - and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all" -
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I meant at all."
That is not it, at all.
And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor -
And this, and so much more? -
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
"That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all."
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous -
Almost, at times, the Fool.
I grow old ... I grow old...
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown

The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock
by T.S. Eliot

LOVE!
Sophie

Thanksgiving is only a week away! It seems so strange when summer bumps right up against snow and turkey. I was watching snow blow against a backdrop of bright gold and red leaves today. And I'm grateful for the firewood I had left over from last winter. It's a good time now to order your green wood, while (and if) you still have dry wood to mix with it. It's never too early to begin your search for your yule log.

I don't feel guilty about both dreading and looking forward to the labor involved in the creation of a huge Thanksgiving dinner. Over the years, I've learned that it helps to standardize the menu, the schedule of tasks, the preparation. Accept help! Assign tasks!

Today, I am thinking of sharpening knives, collecting the vessels for cooking and serving that are in storage every other week of the year and checking my lists and pantry. I have my turkey, which now hangs frozen on the back porch as it does every year while I make room in the fridge (but only when we get these cooooold night temps to keep it frozen).

It's a good time now for us to stop and to collect our thoughts, to focus on the mission and the meaning of our work; to remember, after all, that we are already so very blessed.

If you live without violence and if you live without hunger, you are among the most blessed minority of humans not only today, in this moment, but EVER in the history of this planet. Which still begs the question, "Why me?"

And if you know someone who suffers with violence, or with hunger, now is the time, today is the day, to step forward and to take action on their behalf, even if anonymously. If you don't know anyone who suffers violence or hunger, please consider finding a way to help those you don't know, for they surely exist. Sometimes closer than we think.

Love,
Sophie

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

Please, will you please go watch this video? I tried to embed it and the damnable code won't work. Be sure to hit the little black box next to the volume control under the video. It will make it go full screen. I love this video. I'm planning my upload.

Love,
Sophie

Admittedly, there are more than a few women who are the meek one in their respective relationships, too. Same dynamic applies, regardless of gender.

It's scary to be the one being coaxed into sexual wilderness, especially if there's a lack of experience in that realm. I would recommend talking a lot first in an intimate moment when there is no pressure to act. This would be great stuff for that afterglow pillow talk phase of the evening. Make sure you're all intertwined and plant nose kisses in between sentences and talk about the things that make you tingle. Maybe starting off with something neither person has experienced will help balance things out during the warm-up phase of exploration.

You should have a ground rule. You only need one. Neither partner should ever have to fear ridicule or judgement based on a fantasy. If you cannot hear that your partner loves to kiss feet or enjoys wearing silky panties under his golf pants, don't ask. It's entirely possible that you're incompatible sexually, but being different doesn't necessarily mean being incompatible. Being willing and able to indulge each other's sexual idiosyncrasies (within mutually safe--emotionally and physically--boundaries) will create an environment of lovingness, playfulness and trust that will spill over into other areas of your relationship and daily lives.

Above all, we must be willing to laugh, with each other and at ourselves. Start small. Dig deep. We all have in us a curious, tender being. Feeling safe and loved is the absolute best feathering we can do to our nest in order to "hatch" ourselves into living and loving fully.

Love,
Sophie

“It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird; it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.”

— C.S. Lewis

Hey Sophie,

I'm just not sure what to do.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world and am married to the most wonderful man I've ever met. In some ways, I can't believe I'm so lucky. Hee 's kind, honest, funny, smart and accomplished. He genuinely cares about my family and he's fiscally responsible and all that good stuff. But of course, there's always something. Right?

The issue at hand is that he's pretty boring in bed. He's even well-endowed but seems clueless about what to do with it. This isn't a matter of our being together so long that we're bored, he's just never opened himself up to the possibilities of erotic stimulation. I'm not even sure if he has fantasies or not. We've been married 3 years and he can't bring himself to even talk about sex with me.

I knew this was the case all along, of course, but I thought that because I had a somewhat adventurous sex life before we met, that I could satisfy myself with less spice in exchange for all the other good things I found in him. I have read your column and know that you don't condemn erotica, but enjoying it by myself is getting pretty boring.

Now I find my mind wandering and taking care of my own needs just isn't getting it anymore. I'm afraid that I might be slipping down the road toward having an affair. But I'm still madly in love with this man and I don't want to lose him. Now I know what all those people mean when they say, "it was just the sex!"

So .......... any advice?

Horny in Hendersonville

Dear HiH,

Oh, yes, this is quite the dilemma. And it's one of those situations that is so hard to evaluate because we are a people (as humans) who love to place blame. Usually, our attempts at problem-solving are to identify a villain, point the finger and punish into submission. What's ironic is that there is very rarely actually someone who is blatantly at fault in a situation.

And so the best approach is to consider (and even go so far as to LIST) your options and their possible ramifications in your life. Let's start there. As far as I can think, you have these potential options, among others possible:

1) You can leave this man. Benefits: your integrity intact. Drawbacks: You lose quite possibly the love-of-your-life for experiences that may actually seem shallow without him. The great sex you enjoyed before you met him were BEFORE you met him. It's possible that you won't be able to recreate the passion and zest because your options for partners have changed and your mind and heart were dramatically changed by your knowing this man existed.

2) You can stay with this man and remain faithful. Benefits: your integrity intact. You get to remain married to a man with whom you are deeply in love. Drawbacks: Your sex life gets boring, OR you have to work very hard and risk a lot emotionally to assert your needs with this man. That is perhaps the fear that is right now guiding your heart to the greater extent than the interest in wilder sex. It's possible that in addition to having a legitimate need for sexual satisfaction, you are somehow eliminating him as a potential source of that satisfaction because you have an emotional fear of the battering you could take emotionally in the process of communicating this need to him and pursuing it as a couple. There is certainly the possibility that he will find your interest distasteful, or that his own insecurities inspire him to use condemnation as a form of denial in his own struggles. This stuff is layers deep, after all. The issue obviously represents more to both of you than the simple physical act of sharing, and if you do decide to stay and remain faithful, your options are narrowed to two. Do something about it or do nothing about it. Both are scary, I would say.

3) You can stay with this man and secretly have other partners. Benefits: Having your cake and eating it too. Drawbacks: Might not last long. It would be like taking hard drugs. You'd have this incredible short-term high but the situation would eventually implode because the nature of life is change. You will get caught, your sex buddy will caught, he will lose interest, you will lose interest, you will get sick, other circumstances will interfere at some point and the possible ramifications of those possible changes are too numerous to list. You would have to know that realistically, you can get by with a double life for a limited (if extended) period of time. The insecurity of not knowing when it will blow, or the entanglement of managing the secrecy would be stressful and exhausting to most.

4) You can stay with this man and openly have other partners. Benefits: Having your cake and eating it too. Drawbacks: You have to take huge emotional risks in how your husband might react to your interest in other partners. Would this activity include him? Not include him? Is he amenable to even discussing it? Will he lose interest in marriage to you? Will he call you a slut? Will he think you're crazy? Will he try to get you "help" and think you are broken and need to be fixed just because you have the need for engaging sex? Again, those are huge risks. And it comes down to priorities.

Do you want emotional safety or do you want emotional fulfillment (and sex is as much about emotional fulfillment as physical, even in the most primal of interactions)? Do you want a rush, or do you want the reassurance and pride associated with personal integrity and a sense of loyalty to your life partner?

In some ways, it's very complicated and in some ways it's also very simple. My advice? I would stay home with my husband, and I would find the courage and resources to take the huge emotional risk of trying to incorporate him into my sexual life. It may be that he doesn't feel welcome there yet. It may be that he has issues of his own and he has a fear of being welcome there. Lots of pressure, especially if he doesn't have as textured a sexual history as you seem to have. You may be subtly avoiding the invitation for the need to protect the nature of your relationship with him, which sounds enviable.

The safest environment for this endeavor of mutual honesty and exploration is with a professional therapist whose values you share. I personally think that it's virtually impossible for a therapist to be totally objective, even when they don't render advice. Finding an appropriate guide for the process will involve doing some homework, both in terms of the professional integrity (checking license history) as well as getting personal references or at least having preliminary talks about values and goals before investing too much of your heart and money into someone. Finding a therapist who specializes in sex therapy could be helpful, but is not necessary if you "click" with someone who is more of a generalist. Because sex is so often considered a moral issue, I think it's entirely fair for you to ask a potential therapist about their religious convictions. If they are not willing to talk about themselves and their personal perspective (without details, just to give you an idea of their base perspective), then I would personally avoid hiring that person for this mission.

If you have the confidence in your ability to self-manage the process, it could be perceived as less threatening and less risky to your husband. These matters are extremely delicate and its possible that he has not even processed these issues internally. Proceed with caution.

It's true that there are risks no matter which option you choose. I would personally rather risk my own emotional capital than risk someone else's. Then at least if there is a loss, if there is a calamity that knocks us down, I know that I can recover. I know that. There is no doubt in my mind that I will always recover, because the things that can't be repaired (like integrity) are always still intact. Whatever you do, be guided by love and by integrity. That's always the least risky choice of all, in the long run.

I'd love to hear how this turns out. Please consider writing again.

Love,
Sophie

In case you haven't noticed, I've added some links to the side of the blog. Really cool stuff. Please pay particular note to Second Life, an amazing virtual world into which our "real world" is being integrated. You can go there and get an avatar (a person, really, who represents you in any manner you choose, right down to the length of your eyelashes, the pointiness of your ears and the sag of your breasts) for free and wander the world of Second Life aimlessly indefinitely, meeting people and seeing the thousands of islands folks have created. Second Life is being used to conduct business, online education and sociopolitical events, among other functions. In fact, anything you can do here, you can do there, "in world" as they say. Even have sex! (And even deviant sex at that!) In fact, you can do more there than here in some cases. You can fly from island to island, or you can simply walk in between on the ocean floor. You can teleport, too. Every person you see is another person somewhere in our "real world" who is logged in and in the same place, at the same time that you are. It's extremely fascinating and SO much fun!

Once you decide you want to start buying clothes and building things, you'll need money. The Linden dollar trades against standard currencies, and I've heard is doing better than the dollar!

You will be hearing a LOT about Second Life in coming months and years. It's a phenomenon that is getting worldwide attention and participation. Get your avatar now and see what all the fuss is about.

And while you're at it, check out Radio Lab, and click into Season One archives and listen to the show on "emergence," which is very much what Second Life is all about.

It's a brave new world. Wanna come out and play???

Love,
Sophie

Ahhhh, my free hour finally arrives! What to do with it?

Productivity? Or decadence?

Is it any coincidence that our extra hour arrives during that one truly perfect weekend of the year when the forest is at its most beautiful, the light is most golden and the air is sweeter than any other day?

And fire at the end of the day ... if you don't have a fireplace, get a bunch of candles. If you have a place outside, a fire bowl. But this day must end with fire ...

Love,
Sophie

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

I need to bring to your attention the Web site CDBaby.com. According to its own Web site,

CD Baby is a little online record store that sells albums by independent musicians.

[In•de•pen•dent: (adj.) Not having sold one's life, career, and creative works over to a corporation.]

We're just a bunch of people in a cool Portland, Oregon, warehouse that looks like a playground. We listen to every album we sell before we sell it, so we can help
you find other albums you'll like.

We only sell music that comes directly from the musicians. No distributors. Musicians send us their music. We digitize and warehouse, sell them to you, and pay the musicians directly.

Cool thing: in a regular record deal or distribution deal, musicians only make $1-$2 per album, if they ever get paid by their label. When selling through CD Baby, musicians make $6-$12 per album, and get paid weekly.

In business, and thriving, since March 1998. We're one of the largest sellers of independent music on the web.

It will have a permanent place on this page. Please show them love!

Love,
Sophie

Dear Sophie,

I need your help! I just started seeing this guy and I think there's chemistry between us. He's interested, I'm interested and we've been seeing each other for a couple of weeks. We both flirt back and forth with each other but it doesn't really go beyond that. I'm afraid that if I make the first move, I'll scare him off. He might be afraid of the same thing, but I don't know how to find out without having a really awkward conversation that could blow the whole thing. I really want to get physical, but not if it costs me the whole relationship.

What should I do?

Itchy

Dear Itchy,

Okay, I do have an idea for you. If I read between the lines correctly here, you haven't even had a goodnight kiss yet (which is the ultimate ice-breaker). A great way to break that ice is a method taught to me by a dear friend about 25 years ago. This guy was smoooooooth and had no shame (which can be a good thing sometimes). He had a very light-hearted approach to new relationships and his dates took his cue and didn't attach a lot of angst to those early decisions like when to call, when to kiss, etc.

Here's his idea: When you meet each other for the date, right at the beginning, say, "Listen, we both know how suspenseful it can be wondering what our goodnight kiss might be like, and if we'll even have one. Well, I LOVE goodnight kisses and I don't want to spend our time together being distracted wondering about it. So let's just get that out of the way right now, have our goodnight kiss and then we can both relax and enjoy our time together." VOILA!

I have witnessed this technique being used a time or two to break the ice and it doesn't convey any heavy drama or expectations, just that you love to kiss! The mood of the evening inevitably ends up very positive and warm and of course, kissing CAN lead to harder drugs! (~wink, nudge~)

So if you've already kissed or made out and are wondering about the next step, I'd say you could use this GoodNight Kiss (GNK) technique even now and see where it leads. What do you have to lose?

Hope it works out well for you!

Love'n'such,
Sophie

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

A friend and I were talking last night about how to deal with the depression that can come about as the result of the change of the seasons. The cooler weather and the promise of bone-chilling cold, the loss of greenery and the impending holidays all spell depression for some folks. Not for me, though! I love this time of year the best of all.

But for those who do suffer seasonal depression, I have a recommendation for you. Among other tools (like hot coffee spiked with Bailey's, my fireplace, etc.), I have in my arsenal BEDDING THERAPY. How does it work? It takes a little investment, I'll admit, but you can start slowly and build.

I have a bed that is to die for! Waking up and going to bed have new meaning when you max out the comfort of your bed. Mine has two full-sized real sheepskin on top of my perfectly-firm mattress. (For those who love a really firm mattress, try an all-cotton futon mattress on a waterbed box frame.) On top of the sheepskin are my 600-count Egyptian cotton sheets that I picked up on sale for around $50 for the set. I got two, so that I could alternate them in the wash.

In my bedding cabinet (a funky old wardrobe I scored from an antique booth at Smiley's), I store several ultra-soft fleece blankets, a few good quality handmade quilts and my prize of all prizes ... a king-sized goose down comforter for those months (Jan-Feb) that I term "deep winter." Goose down pillows (load up, you're worth it---I have six!) complete the decadence.

Any sort of bedding indulgence helps, and the more love you heap upon your bed, the more love will be waiting for you when you crawl in (not to mention the added benefit of tactile sensuality you can share with your bedmate/s!). You can be dirt poor, stressed out, discouraged, downtrodden and insecure but when you crawl into a bed that sleeps like a cloud, everything goes away. In addition to the comfort offered in your waking moments, you will sleep like a baby ... and a good night's sleep is good medicine too!

So, if you haven't already (and even if you have), go out and acquire something for your bed that will make it your little slice of heaven. Having a bedding fetish is among the most innocuous of all fetishes, and it will have lasting effects on your psyche as well as your physical sense of well-being. It's nourishment, in the true sense of the word.

And if you find anything good (especially if it's on sale), LET ME KNOW!

Much love,
Sophie

PS ... Thanks for your support and letters! I will begin answering them soon!

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

I am helping a friend sort out a confusing, perplexing situation with a fellow in her life. It's the same-old, same-old. Why does someone pursue us only to duck out at the last minute and leave us hanging? Why go through the trouble of asking for a phone number one is never going to use? Any time that a behavior seems to be in conflict with the perceptions we have about the situation, we begin to question, "Why?"

Unfortunately, most of us begin that process of figuring out why someone behaved a certain way by turning the scope on ourselves first. "What did I do wrong?" Women especially are prone to immediately assume the responsibility (whether willingly/happily or not) for being the stimulus behind that behavior. "Was I too much? Not enough?" But, of course, we know that's rarely the case. We know it well enough to tell our friends that when THEY are going through it, but often we don't remember it so well when we are comforting and nurturing our own egos.

But the point I want to make really has to do with acknowledging multiple motivations. Rarely is a decision or a behavior based on one single motivation or needs, but rather a complex web of competing needs and emotions (some rational and some not so rational).

The overly-simplistic illustration of this was on an episode of "Sex and the City" where Miranda was wondering why a fellow didn't call. Later, she thinks she has it figured out after hearing about the "He's just not that into you" theory. Her date declines an invitation to "come up for a drink" and she decides to let him off the hook by telling him it's okay, it's okay if he's not into her. But the problem was simply that dinner didn't sit well with him and he needed a bathroom fast (and of course didn't want it to be hers). So her first two responses would have been, "Why doesn't he like me?" and "It's okay if you don't like me." It never occurred to her that there was a much simpler reason that had nothing to do with her, or that his motivation to go was competing with his motivation to stay (and winning, for obvious reasons). It's impossible for us to know all those motivations and how they weigh into the equation.

The more complex and probably more common multiplicity of motivations would manifest in more subtle ways and often leave us mystfied. Longing for love and affiliation, sex and romance, company and compassion compete with a variety of different kinds and levels of fear. We push, we pull. We pull, we push. We can't stand the heat, but we can't pry ourselves out of the kitchen.

Here's another example of how we misinterpret the words and actions of others: I've heard this story many times in many contexts and it always reminds me not to judge people's motivations and behaviors.

Once a man is sitting on a subway and there are several children going ape around him. They're jumping in and out of the aisles, running into the legs of passengers, yelling loudly and being generally out of control. Their apparent father is staring blankly out the window and paying no attention to his sons' behavior or the growing agitation of those around him. Finally, one of the passengers speaks up rather sharply, "Can't you control your children? What is your problem? Do you just not care how they turn out? What kind of father are you?"

And so the father turned to his critics and softly apologized, "I'm so sorry, I'm not really sure what to do. Their mother just died in the hospital this morning and we're going home now to an empty house and I'm just not sure how I'm going to handle them and everything else. I'm really sorry that they bothered you."

Of course, that knowledge changes everything, doesn't it? Suddenly we can forgive his shortcomings as a father and look the other way, or interact with the children in a more compassionate manner than just glaring at them over our newspapers.

We don't know what lurks in the hearts and minds of our fellow humans. We can't begin to understand another person's motivations, especially when we're not too terribly clear on our own. We are all often motivated by longing in one direction and fear in another direction. Fear often wins when longing should, and vice versa (such as when people commit unspeakable acts upon each other with no apparent fear of reprisal or concern for harm done). If we can approach every human interaction (even those which disappoint and hurt us) with compassion and forgiveness, and a certain blind faith regarding each person's attempts to DO THE BEST THEY CAN, then the disappointments we heap upon each other might get just a little easier to bear. If the discomforts of another person's behavior cause us pain in a manner that becomes a pattern, we have to stop and question our own motivation for continuing to subject ourselves to it. What motivates a person to choose pain and loneliness every day?

What motivates us? Everything. Everything that happens to us (or has ever happened to us) motivates our behaviors. By making the arena for interactions with each other as safe and forgiving as possible, we coax each other out of our shells and into the very scary and very fun game of love. And I'm not just talking about romantic/sexual love or love of family and friends. I'm talking about the love that binds humanity and makes it possible for us to share space and resources ... love of fellow human. Sometimes, that's the hardest kind.

Love,
Sophie

SophieSeriously ...at... gmail dot com

A dear, dear friend of mine called me this morning and asked if he could get my advice. (I love it when that happens!) He is seeing a woman who is extricating herself from a failed marriage and the situation is and has been really messy. She's in no financial position to just begin with a fresh new home full of new belongings and the material things from their shared life are constant reminders of the pain and suffering they shared and, most likely, angry feelings about the way things were going with the divorce. Is eradication of these things from their lives necessary for moving on? Can one "make peace" with material belongings infused with our darker histories?

I recommended a ceremony of some kind, whether it be a traditional smudging with smoking herbs or a purification ritual of simply taking a hot shower with candles and scent in the air. Maybe a series of long hikes in the forest to realign ourselves, to stir the pot that is our soul and work those things that have sunk to the bottom of the soup back into the diffused joy of daily life. In that sense, they take on new contexts. Contextual meaning can be everything. Think about that song that brings a lump to your throat or tears to your eyes every time you hear it, which is always by surprise because you would never intentionally put yourself through that. Is the song lost to you forever? Or can you stir it back into the soup and find new relevance, new meaning, new context by which to still love it?

Think about the things you have let sink to the bottom ... and whether they are worth retrieving. In the end, there are some we want back and some things we think best left there or thrown out with the scraps and replaced entirely. Or not ever replaced, simply ... no longer there.

In my house? Something old, something new.

Speaking of new ... a shout out to V.H., a diamond I found and am holding onto. She is light, she is joy, she is the epitome of love incarnate. We all admire her.

Love,
Sophie

(Communicate via sophieseriously at gmail dot com)

Some Kiss We Want

There is some kiss we want with
our whole lives, the touch of
spirit on the body. Seawater
begs the pearl to break its shell.
And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild darling! At
night, I open the window and ask
the moon to come and press its
face against mine. Breathe into
me. Close the language door and
open the love window. The moon
won't use the door, only the window.

---Rumi/Translator: Coleman Barks

Love, Sophie

sophieseriously ...at... gmail.com

Last night I attended a reading and talk by Dr. Bud Harris, author of The Fire and the Rose: Wedding of Spirituality and Sexuality. It was an intimate gathering in Accent on Books on Merrimon Avenue in Asheville, NC. I wasn't quite sure what to expect and so was glad for the opportunity to simply sit and listen to his readings, his presentation and the subsequent discussion, which moved beyond the standard Q&A format pretty quickly. I bought the book and am reading it now, so don't have tremendous insights to offer other than this wonderful quote from the book:

"Conventional wisdom fears passion because it may thrust us blindly out of the pinched shoes of propriety and the roles we've been shoehorned into by family and society, and into the chaos of ecstasy or despair. Whether recognized or not, passion fuels the divine courses of our sexuality and spirituality until either they come together in a blossoming tree of fire or we shrink back into the safety of provisional lives."

He described the nature of the relationship of spirituality and sexuality not as polar opposites or opposing forces in our hearts and minds, but rather as the complementary elements of yin and yang which work in synergy and balance to complete us, to make us whole and fully engaged in the pursuit of our fulfillment.

"When these forces become separate and isolated they aggessively turn on each other and their outuput is destructive. Reconsidering the things we think we already understand about sexuality and spirituality as opposites will help us bring them back into a circle of relatedness--the circle of the soul."

He spoke very eloquently and lyrically on the elements of love, spirituality, Oneness with Nature, sexuality, passion ... one particularly beautiful analogy was in reference to the importance of loving oneself first and wholly. He said that love for oneself is like water filling a pond. Only once the pond is filled with water can it overflow to that which surrounds it.

His message was not one of reassurance, necessarily, so much as an invitation into the chaos and "terror" (as well as the utter joy, satisfaction and fulfillment) that living fully in pursuit of wholeness evokes. It's an offer we can't refuse.

"To feel the sense of wholeness supporting life is like coming home to ourselves. It is a moment of joy and serenity. And while it's a moment we can enjoy, it's not one we can hold on to. If we try, the effort will imprison us in the same way that never wanting to leave home can prevent our journey from continuing."

Let's join the Dance!

Love,
Sophie

Dr. Bud Harris is a Jungian analyst in private practice in Asheville, NC. His book The Fire and the Rose: The Wedding of Spirituality and Sexuality is available at Accent on Books on Merrimon Avenue in Asheville.

This is used with permission from the author as well:

"the things that we tend to let go (in the mad rush that is Life) are the most life-sustaining ... they are sensory. think about the most fulfilling gifts life has to offer us and they all tie into the indulgence of senses ... the touch of warm skin, a puppy lick, a child's hand in ours ... the smell of beautiful haunting scents, warm freshly baked bread, the fresh cut grass of summer ... the sound of soul satisfying music, the voice of our beloveds, the laughter of children ... the taste of cool pure water, our favorite ice cream, the flavor of our morning coffee or tea ... the sight of home as we approach, the way someone special looked at us as we said goodbye, our children's faces as they sleep ... it's all about taking care of ourselves. that's not selfish. it's nurturing. like the fishes and the loaves, we can only share that which we allow ourselves in plenty. how can we spread the lovingness and goodness that we don't allow for ourselves?

it's not enough to make money and buy things and stay in motion, producing and proving to the world our worth. our worth as humans is made real by our acknowledgement of our sensory needs and our pursuit of that deepest level of sustenance that makes everything else possible ..."

Love,
Sophie

Used with permission from the author:



"self-improvement is overrated ... it often leads to disappointment, disillusionment, despair ... there is a way to approach a similar process as GROWTH (words are very important here) and to approach the process of that growth with the idea that limbs or leaves being pruned are not weaknesses or illnesses, but important aspects of your "tree" that once served a purpose, are a part of the beautiful you, and simply no longer serve a purpose. letting go of those things lovingly and gently is very different from putting your face in them, dealing with them, improving yourself ... the leaves become nourishment for your growth, the limbs can be burned in the fire that fuels your soul ... everything that has ever been a part of you is good, beautiful, perfect ... even the parts that make you cringe to think about. you must stop cringing when you look at yourself ... you need no improvement ... you are perfect as you are sitting there now reading this. there are aspects of yourself that serve your happiness and growth better than others, and you will prune them away when the time is right ... "

Love,
Sophie