Dear Sophie,

I have a terrible secret and I don't want to tell it, but I feel like I should.

I saw my best friend's wife out with another man at a club Friday night. They looked very intimate, practically making out, up until she saw me and then they left shortly afterward. I'm supposed to hang out with them next weekend, and I don't know how I am going to handle it. Any advice?

Torn

Dear Torn,

Well, then. You have a couple of options.

First, if possible it's always good to let that person who is busted come clean on her own. Let her know that you feel strongly that you cannot keep this secret from your friend (let's call him Joe). Give her the opportunity to come forward herself and let your friend know what happened. Whether she tells the truth or not, shouldn't matter to you. Only that she was seen with this man by his best friend.

What if she refuses to come clean? You owe it to Joe to tell him that you saw her out with another man. You cannot, however, embellish or speculate on what you saw. Stick with the facts. Reassure him that you don't want to cause trouble, you're simply letting him know something that you yourself would like to know if the shoe were on the other foot.

It's a risky thing to do, you could cause friction between you and Joe. But if you consider him your best friend, and he yours, you are close enough to catch each other's back and be grateful for it.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, feedback, problems, perspectives, prognoses, prophecies and poetry to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

The Bonfire

“OH, let’s go up the hill and scare ourselves,
As reckless as the best of them to-night,
By setting fire to all the brush we piled
With pitchy hands to wait for rain or snow.
Oh, let’s not wait for rain to make it safe.
The pile is ours: we dragged it bough on bough
Down dark converging paths between the pines.
Let’s not care what we do with it to-night.
Divide it? No! But burn it as one pile
The way we piled it. And let’s be the talk
Of people brought to windows by a light
Thrown from somewhere against their wall-paper.
Rouse them all, both the free and not so free
With saying what they’d like to do to us
For what they’d better wait till we have done.
Let’s all but bring to life this old volcano,
If that is what the mountain ever was—
And scare ourselves. Let wild fire loose we will….”

“And scare you too?” the children said together.

“Why wouldn’t it scare me to have a fire
Begin in smudge with ropy smoke and know
That still, if I repent, I may recall it,
But in a moment not: a little spurt
Of burning fatness, and then nothing but
The fire itself can put it out, and that
By burning out, and before it burns out
It will have roared first and mixed sparks with stars,
And sweeping round it with a flaming sword,
Made the dim trees stand back in wider circle—
Done so much and I know not how much more
I mean it shall not do if I can bind it.
Well if it doesn’t with its draft bring on
A wind to blow in earnest from some quarter,
As once it did with me upon an April.
The breezes were so spent with winter blowing
They seemed to fail the bluebirds under them
Short of the perch their languid flight was toward;
And my flame made a pinnacle to heaven
As I walked once round it in possession.
But the wind out of doors—you know the saying.
There came a gust. You used to think the trees
Made wind by fanning since you never knew
It blow but that you saw the trees in motion.
Something or someone watching made that gust.
It put the flame tip-down and dabbed the grass
Of over-winter with the least tip-touch
Your tongue gives salt or sugar in your hand.
The place it reached to blackened instantly.
The black was all there was by day-light,
That and the merest curl of cigarette smoke—
And a flame slender as the hepaticas,
Blood-root, and violets so soon to be now.
But the black spread like black death on the ground,
And I think the sky darkened with a cloud
Like winter and evening coming on together.
There were enough things to be thought of then.
Where the field stretches toward the north
And setting sun to Hyla brook, I gave it
To flames without twice thinking, where it verges
Upon the road, to flames too, though in fear
They might find fuel there, in withered brake,
Grass its full length, old silver golden-rod,
And alder and grape vine entanglement,
To leap the dusty deadline. For my own
I took what front there was beside. I knelt
And thrust hands in and held my face away.
Fight such a fire by rubbing not by beating.
A board is the best weapon if you have it.
I had my coat. And oh, I knew, I knew,
And said out loud, I couldn’t bide the smother
And heat so close in; but the thought of all
The woods and town on fire by me, and all
The town turned out to fight for me—that held me.
I trusted the brook barrier, but feared
The road would fail; and on that side the fire
Died not without a noise of crackling wood—
Of something more than tinder-grass and weed—
That brought me to my feet to hold it back
By leaning back myself, as if the reins
Were round my neck and I was at the plough.
I won! But I’m sure no one ever spread
Another color over a tenth the space
That I spread coal-black over in the time
It took me. Neighbors coming home from town
Couldn’t believe that so much black had come there
While they had backs turned, that it hadn’t been there
When they had passed an hour or so before
Going the other way and they not seen it.
They looked about for someone to have done it.
But there was no one. I was somewhere wondering
Where all my weariness had gone and why
I walked so light on air in heavy shoes
In spite of a scorched Fourth-of-July feeling.
Why wouldn’t I be scared remembering that?”

“If it scares you, what will it do to us?”

“Scare you. But if you shrink from being scared,
What would you say to war if it should come?
That’s what for reasons I should like to know—
If you can comfort me by any answer.”

“Oh, but war’s not for children—it’s for men.”

“Now we are digging almost down to China.
My dears, my dears, you thought that—we all thought it.
So your mistake was ours. Haven’t you heard, though,
About the ships where war has found them out
At sea, about the towns where war has come
Through opening clouds at night with droning speed
Further o’erhead than all but stars and angels,—
And children in the ships and in the towns?
Haven’t you heard what we have lived to learn?
Nothing so new—something we had forgotten:
War is for everyone, for children too.
I wasn’t going to tell you and I mustn’t.
The best way is to come up hill with me
And have our fire and laugh and be afraid.”

By Robert Frost

Enjoy.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, problems, feedback, perspectives, prognoses and poetry to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Dear Sophie,

I've been living with this guy as a platonic roommate for several months. Thing is, I've developed a huge crush on him. When he moved in, he had a girlfriend but they broke up just a few weeks after the move.

Since then, he hasn't dated any other women. We're such good friends, I don't know whether I want to risk the loss of a great roommate if I make a move and things don't work out. But living so closely, it's hard to keep my heart so closed to what I think could be great if he is interested. What should I do?

Girl Friend

Dear Girl Friend,

It's tough. Very tough to know, to guess how he would react if you made your true feelings known. It's a gamble and I think you have to approach it as one. That means, explore the potential outcomes for all possible scenarios and decide which might be easier to live with. If you do move and he's not interested, you risk losing a roommate and friendship. If you don't move, you risk losing the love of your life (potentially) and all the regret that might follow you for years, maybe always.

Realizing that there are potential losses and potential gains in all scenarios is important to the process of making this decision. Write them out on a sheet of paper if necessary, but think out every possibility, however outlandish it might seem.

What if he fell on one knee, for instance, and told you that it was his dream too? What if knowing him as a lover is less fulfilling than you anticipated and he becomes infatuated beyond your comfort level? What if he tells you that he's in love and wants you to help him fulfill sexual fantasies that are not your cup of tea? Have you met his family? What potential dealbreakers lurk in his health history, his financial management, or even criminal past? What if he declines your invitation for romance and then starts dating other women? How will you react to their presence in his life and your home? Be prepared for anything.

So if you do decide to make this move, then, how to go about it? You have to follow your instincts on him. Is he shy? Straightforward? Will he 'get' the subtleties of flirtation? Or does he need to be told outright?

If you opt for direct confrontation, sometimes it's helpful to ask if you can sit in the dark together to talk. You have the intimacy of proximity, but the anonymity of complete darkness so that you both have the privacy of facial reactions to what you talk about. It's very effective in helping some folks let down their guard a little.

While you talk, listen. Pause dramatically and allow for whispered responses. Be open and accepting of honesty, no matter how much it may hurt. Forgive him instantly if he does not fulfill your fantasy, and thank him for his candor. Reassure him that nothing has to change, or quietly let him know that you can't handle the proximity without some resolution to your feelings. Whatever you do, be honest and if necessary, let this guy off the hook for being who he is.

But most importantly, no matter the outcome, let yourself off the hook for being who you are.

Love is never wasted, even when unrequited. So many people walk numbly through their lives gauging the flow of love according to the anticipated response they'll get from those they encounter. Me, I'd rather take the sting of letting my feelings be known in a futile situation --- and giving that person the lifelong pleasure of knowing that they were loved regardless --- than to walk away from someone not having expressed it, my ego intact.

Your expression need not be confrontational. Affection is limitless when you truly care about a person. It can take the form of unconditional acceptance, gestures or tokens of affection, even the extension of a little extra time and space when needed. As trite as it sounds, if it was meant to be, it will happen.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, problems, feedback, perspectives and prognoses to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Gentle Reader:

For me (and maybe a few of you?) today, life is the ceremonial walk on the beach, a pilgrimage I need to make. I step carefully --- the tiny white corners of shell I pluck from the sand blossom in my hands with a glacial depth of Beauty.

Let Grace wash over your feet like the warm waves as you walk, let the fine sand kiss away the callouses and scars so that you can begin to feel the texture of the earth beneath your feet again.

To extend the metaphor, we wear our shoes to protect our feet from that texture, from the sharp objects and sinking sands in our daily lives. Going barefoot forces us to slow down, step carefully and take note of that over which we might step without noticing.

There are those who never go barefoot, even in the soft carpet of home, familiar and safe territory. And those who never wear shoes so that their feet develop a layer of protective leather themselves.

Back to the beach. Back to the healing waves and the cleansing sands that renew our skin, heal our wounds, and wash away daily debris, leaving us presents scattered along the beach.

Love, Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, problems, feedback, perspectives and prognoses to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

The Morph Lamp. Getcha one.



Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, problems, feedback, perspectives and prognoses to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Dear Sophie,

How much of my personal past am I supposed to share with my new
boyfriend? Is it wrong to keep some things to myself?

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

First, you have to make a very important distinction between privacy and secrecy. If your partner has no right to the information you are withholding, that's called privacy. If your partner does have the right to know, that would be secrecy. There is sometimes a fine line between the two.

How do you know what you have the right to keep private? Simply refer to the ground rules the two of you have set regarding such things. If there have been no ground rules set, it's early yet and you get to decide. Rule of thumb: How would I feel if the same information were being withheld from me?

Now there's a big difference between really, really wanting to know and having the right to know. Your husband has the right to know if you have slept with someone else. He does not have the right to know some guy flirted with you at lunch, unless you have agreed between you to that level of disclosure. In order to gain the level of trust necessary for you to want to share the information, he has to react to that news with maturity, kindness and respect. It's a two-way street.

But regardless of how maturely or immaturely one partner reacts to the truth, there is never an excuse for lying. How much truth do you volunteer? That's a delicate balance each couple finds for itself, but you probably know in your heart of hearts what needs to be said and what needs to be saved for a later time. And it does take time.

If you're not sure, ask. And be very clear about trust --- it's not always a wish granted, but a level of intimacy that is cultivated over long periods of time during which people take tentative steps toward each other, unsure of the reaction they'll get as they step closer, into the light. Not everyone is ready for that level of scrutiny or intimacy, you can't take that personally. You simply wait in the shadows --- or you move on, depending on your own needs.

Key ingredient: time.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, problems, feedback, perspectives and prognoses to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Dear Sophie,

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months. It just wasn't working for me,
I didn't feel we were truly compatible. So how come it still hurts so much? Did
I make a mistake?

Torn in Two

Dear Torn in Two,

Only you can decide whether or not this break-up was a mistake, but I can lend you some insight that might help in making that determination.

First of all, long-term compatibility is SO rare, so unbelievably complicated, that I personally believe that if there's any doubt in your mind at all, it's probably not there yet. I have seen so many relationships fail when there was NO doubt whatsoever, that I can't help but think that doubts have a degree of validity, no matter how inconsequential they may seem to the overall scheme of things.

That's not to say that having any doubt should preclude letting a relationship develop and mature --- but for as long as there are doubts, there should be serious hesitance to making final and lifelong commitments.

So let's assume that you really didn't fit with this guy and you were aware enough to stop it before it went any further. Why does it still hurt?

Well, people are not package deals. We can be in love with aspects of a person while realizing that they don't fulfill all (or even most) of our needs, or us theirs. So maybe you miss part of this person. And that's okay. Normal, even.

Sometimes we idealize people or relationships to the point that they can't live up to our preconceived notions of them. Maybe the person you're having trouble letting go of is really someone who never fully existed. The practical side of you might have known that and was able to make the determination to reroute or end the relationship. But you're not a package deal either, and there might be a part of you who is still starry-eyed by the relationship or the boyfriend you really, really WANTED to have.

It's an important distinction to make, not just for the sake of recovering from a break-up, but also in determining whether a relationship (or termination of one) is healthy and appropriate for you. It would be a shame to continually end relationship after relationship because they could never live up to your ideal. But compromise can be tricky, since you don't want to end up complacently accepting a relationship that is not fulfilling to you. Where to draw the line?

Only you can know that. One good exercise could be looking 50 years into the future (even if you're 70 by now). Could this relationship withstand the passage of time? Is this love so enduring that it can weather crises and trauma; boredom and illness; time and distance? Is this person the type of mate who could (and would, lovingly) wipe your mouth, spoonfeed you, and hold you in the night for no particular reason? And could you do the same in return?

There are levels of compatibility more relevant than others. Licorice vs. chocolate matters much less than having or not having children. You have to decide on your own personal priorities and honor them, as well as those of the people you love.

You might be afraid of being alone, or the unknown of future relationships. But really, what could be scarier than dooming yourself to a lifetime of loneliness within the safe entrapment of a committed but hollow relationship? Sure, it's hard to let go of the fantasy of what it could have been, but some realities are better than others.

Just remember though, it's never too late to change your mind. True, he could have lost interest or moved on by the time you ever do, but that would be a sign in and of itself. As best you can, allowing yourself some wiggle room for confusion, follow your heart.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, problems, feedback, perspectives and prognoses to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

yo, sophie. i need a good smoothie recipe. please?

Our household favorite:

PB&J Smootheeeee
1 banana
2-4 tbs. yogurt
splash of fresh orange juice
1 tbs. crunchy peanut butter
1 tbs. all-fruit &/or
1/4-1/2 cup any frozen or fresh berries
(strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, peaches, pineapple)
3-4 ice cubes

Blend on highest setting until smooooooth. Pour into a fancy stemmed glass.

Mmmmmmm. Enjoy.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, problems, feedback, perspectives and prognoses to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

I love Valentine's Day. If you are without sweetie and don't enjoy the idea of Valentine's (but really, who couldn't? if you let yourself) --- perhaps QuirkyAlone Day is more your bag.

But really, there are sweeties everywhere as far as the eye can see. Love is not an all-or-nothing pursuit. Love is possible between any two beings willing to accept it on its own terms, in its own time and space. It can't be choreographed, but it can be inspired, sparked, fueled. Love is its own dance.

Be not afraid. Wink at the cute guy in the drive-through. Drop an e-card to someone you still think about. Scratch your initials in the frost on her windshield. Take a chance on a fleeting smile, a secret message, an obvious flirtation. It's all in the Spirit of the Season.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, problems, feedback, perspectives and prognoses to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

The cool thing about rationalization? It's rational.

Rationalization has somehow acquired a negative association over the ages. Not to be confused with "justifying" one's ill behaved ways, rationalization is a valuable tool of survival.

When the world doesn't make the least bit of sense, when it's clear that there's no way in hell that justice will prevail, when you have that feeling you might be suddenly waking up in the middle of a bad movie --- rationalize.

Apply logic and reason. This person is treating you this way because she is sick or crazy or mean. The system is unfair because it is corrupt, money-driven and everyone knows it. It's not your fault. Look around you. Take note of extenuating circumstances and above all, acknowledge that there is no rule that says that life is fair. People get away with horrible, inhumane and despicable behavior all the time, every day and in every degree. Some do it on lower levels, less violently or intermittently, it occurs in every shade of gray. By giving up the expectation that justice will be served, we open ourselves up to the whole experience of life.

Let's say that a man serves 10 years in prison, much of it on death row, for a crime he does not commit (like the guy last week) --- how does he go on living when he gets out of prison? Consumed by anger and resentment? Better to rationalize that perhaps it saved him from getting killed in some way or gave him life lessons that he needed for some other purpose.

So there is release to be had in coming to a point of angry bewilderment, of feeling unheard, disrespected, ignored, unappreciated, misjudged, violated, abused either by people or by life --- and deciding first, "Is there a thing I can do? Is there a hard thing that will make this right?" And if you are really powerless in the situation to have any positive impact (negative impact is too easy to come by), then consider rationalization.

It's a matter of simply stating the facts. And then reminding yourself of them.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, problems, feedback, perspectives and prognoses to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Spring cleaning. There's no better way to burn the simmering energies of winter than to get into the groove of spring cleaning. I try to do the same thing around the time the seasons change each time, but there's something about spring that makes me want to dig a little deeper.

I go for my own funk shui --- an uncategorizable style of arranging things so that anyone who walked through my home knows who lives there.

If it's not already, make your nest your own, starting today. Think about colors, textures, materials. Have a place for everything and find the level of order and/or chaos in which you feel most content.

I'd love to see some photos of funk shui you'd like to share with the world. If you'd be willing to let us peek behind your curtains, send jpgs to sophie at freakinasheville.com and let me know whether or not it's okay to post it.

Love,
Sophie

Hey Sophie ....

Who are you? Why are you here?

Curious

Dear Curious,

I am just some chick who lives in the mountains of NC and loves to write. I especially love to write (and read) letters, but I'm a more energetic correspondent than most, loving especially to fall off the trail of daily news and into areas of philosophy, sociology, psychology, religion, politics, human nature. I'm yakky. I'm a wee bit of a voyeur in that I love to peer into other people's lives, which I think explains my (mild) interest in reality shows and my ability to empathize and rationalize (more on that another day) at the same time.

I am truly blessed with a generous circle of very Beloved and trusted friends from whom I ask advice myself all the time. Sometimes I'll bounce a letter off "The Committee" because their input is so trusted and valuable. They have an amazing track record.

I love to get mail, I love to write mail. I love to give advice, but only if asked (but I love to be asked). And I love to get advice. I'm hoping that at some point I might be able ask a little feedback from the at-large Committee. Which would be you. I basically see this as a collaborative space, I'm just the Facilitator.

Basically, I like having this forum to talk. I am really hoping for a dialogue-style interaction because really, one person's perspective is just that. No more, no less. I honestly don't claim that my advice is worth any more than the bandwidth it takes to deliver it (modern days), but some folks like having one person's perspective. And I like sharing mine. And maybe it'll start conversation in other places that would have otherwise not taken place.

I'm not sure how long I'll be here, but I'll be able to tell when it's time to go. I wouldn't go without saying goodbye, though, so for now, I'm just writing these love letters to the world and hoping that the world will write back. But I don't fully expect it. And I still have plenty to ramble on about.

That's basically it.

Love,
Sophie

Tonight I was watching Dr. Phil (with whom I have a love/hate thing going) and the subject was gold-diggers. I found it fascinating to watch these women who came on the show unabashedly touting their techniques for finding eligible men worth millions or billions of dollars. The host and the audience, of course, found a way to turn the tide on them and shame them for their priorities and behaviors (Why do people subject themselves to that level of scrutiny? That's another topic.) in front of a national audience.

Dr. Phil then introduced a wealthy young man who was complaining about how difficult it was to find true affection in such a materialistic dating environment. He explained that he had a test for how to determine if a woman was after him for his money or not. Whenever he gave her his credit card to "go and buy herself something nice" for the place he's taking her that night, he would watch and see whether or not she abused her access to his credit line.

No one questioned this young man about his motives for giving her the credit card in the first place. The audience brushed right over the flip side of the problem they were exploring, and that was when money is used to maintain power and control in a relationship not only willingly, but intentionally. Hopefully his intentions were good with the gesture, but sometimes, they can be condescending and controlling, even subconsciously.

I know several people who have been involved with others whose wealth would have staggered the imagination (as well as a few who had nothing; it's not a criteria). In some cases, what they have often found was the biggest obstacle to the relationship though, was the money itself.

Besides the obvious distractions that an obsession with wealth could provide from a romantic relationship --- in terms of schedules, availability, reliability --- there could be real issues of power and control at play. Some might find it necessary to graciously reciprocate gifts and dinner tabs, perhaps sometimes beyond their means, in order to hold their place in the hierarchy, and that reciprocation could potentially become a point of contention rather than being perceived as a gift of acknowledgement and sincerity.

One fellow was shocked that a woman would not consider relocation to his estate outside of the country, but instead invited him to her modest community. It was clear that besides the routine sacrifices that relocation would present the average person, she was asking him to step into relative anonymity. He couldn't conceptualize it.

Although she did not fault the wealth, she was not willing to defer power to it. On the other hand, there was a chick who dated a guy with no job, no money and no prospects. She was doing okay for herself, but struggling to keep it all afloat. But she wasn't threatened by his poverty because she could relate to the struggle and gave him credit for effort, for endurance. He was exceedingly kind and respectful to her and she to him. About the time he realized that she was herself struggling financially, he disappeared. Hmmmm ...

I do believe that folks from different economic backgrounds can find common and intimate ground upon which to base loving relationships. But the focal point of power must be a matter of shared intimacy in which both partners have equal stake. There are folks all along the income scale who are good, decent, and loving neighbors, partners, parents, leaders and followers. Finding each other is sometimes a trick. Sometimes social boundaries based on income, race, gender, creed, physical dis/ability, politics (to name a few) must be crossed, in both directions. The crossing requires compromise for all parties, but grace and love and integrity come wrapped in wealth and in need, in all colors, shapes and designs. Your mileage may vary.

As we add more and more criteria to our list of compatibility requirements for our relationships of all kinds, we narrow the field of vision, the depth of experience and the eternity of love we are offered in this lifetime.

Hope you don't mind the response to Dr. Phil. If so, drop me a line and ask me something!

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, problems, feedback, perspectives and prognoses to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Dear Sophie,

I am a single 35 year-old male, intelligent, attractive, open-minded, well-educated, and very social. No matter what I try, I can not find a date in this town. I am not some tool, fratboy with disrespect towards women, by the way.

I stay active in several arenas, enjoy great music, left-wing politics, travel, and food and wine. I'm even a cat/animal lover for God's sake! I have resorted to the online dating scene - but even that has not worked.

My friends say give it time but I believe in never giving up. Life is just not as fun unless you are sharing it with someone.

Any suggestions?

Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Yours is a classic situation that will require some dialogue to really do it right. In order to give you truly relevant guidance and insight here, I need to ask a few questions. Sure, I could rattle off a list of places to meet intelligent women and a Cosmo checklist of what we think they might be looking for, but that probably wouldn't be very helpful in the long run. Something tells me you're well enmeshed in the dilemma and your answers might need to be a bit more complex than that.

So first, we need to define your terms. What do you mean by "can not find a date" --- do you mean that you literally can't get a woman to accept an invitation from you? Or that you are in limbo waiting for invitations that are not forthcoming?

Do you mean that you have trouble sustaining contact after an initial date or two? Would you say that the lack of sustained interest is usually on your part or on the part of the woman?

How does that typically manifest --- does one of you simply disappear, or are there long, drawn-out periods of withdrawal and separation?

The answers to any one of the questions I have posed could lead us down very distinctly different paths with my response. If you don't mind sharing a bit more insight, please feel free to write me again with more details. If you include any information you'd like kept private, just make that clear and I'll honor your confidentiality.

In the meantime, let me say that I do agree with your friends that you must give yourself ample time to find --- and especially to develop --- meaningful relationships. That's not synonymous with giving up, though. Quite the contrary. Really digging in and being patient for the long haul is hard, and can be downright lonely and heart-wrenching. But it needn't be. There are ways that you can enjoy the journey --- the adventure --- as you go about your search for your Beloved. But first things first --- I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, problems, feedback, perspectives and prognoses to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Dear Friends:

The last few days have seen me dragging through some medical procedures I've had to endure (and thank the gods I have the luxury of enduring them) as well as trying to shake off the general malaise of cold weather hibernation. The best tonic I've found is in my music collection.

Take the time --- tonight, tomorrow, this weekend --- to reacquaint yourself with your music collection, however large or small. Go to your music and run your fingers over the spines of the covers. Pluck one randomly and quiet the rest of the house. Or, better yet, put on the headphones. And dive back in.

Let the music wash over you. Let it fill your body and fling you into the flowing water. Let it inspire you, soothe you, heal you, cradle you, freak you out and turn you on.

Your homework tonight, should you choose to accept it, is to dig through your old music, and find something you love --- and then love it. And let it love you. And for extra credit, go out this weekend and buy something new. In a genre you're not sure about. If you normally like rap, go country. If you normally like country, go reggae. And y'know, don't forget electronica, bossa nova and Polynesian hip-hop. There are whole worlds to explore.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, problems, feedback, perspectives and prognoses to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Sweet seekers:

I regret the need for brevity again today, but I've been distracted with crossing some t's and dotting some i's for my Other Life. The one in the Mundane (and I say that quite affectionately).

The Mundane has its sweetness. The gentle grace of the predictable, the validation gained from fulfilled responsibilities, the sweet relief of crises averted.

But here I am back again, and with only one piece of advice for today.

Pema Chödrön. She is a Buddhist, an excellent teacher and remarkable writer. She writes on Buddhism in a way that is both challenging and reassuring. The challenge is on the spiritual level though, not in the wading through of the history of Buddhist philosophy.

I am reading The Wisdom of No Escape and plan to move into her other titles as I can. If you are interested in Buddhist philosophy but find most Buddhist literature a bit esoteric, Pema is going to be a breath of fresh air.

Her words are my quote of the day:

We work on ourselves in order to help others,
but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.

I'd love to hear what you think about her.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, problems, feedback, perspectives and prognoses to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Dear Ones:

Tonight is allegedly the biggest night of the year for domestic abuse. The night of the Super Bowl. If you read this message tonight or within the few days afterward, my advice to you is to check in on someone who might need checking in on. You know who I mean. Just call to say hello and make sure that all is well.

Hopefully it is.

Love,
Sophie

Send your comments, questions, insights, situations, problems, feedback, perspectives and prognoses to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

It's worth it. Set the alarm early, for daybreak but it has to be on the weekend, when you can linger in quietude. Turn off every motor in the house (lava and glitter lamps are silent) and lay quietly. They're there, you just have to lower your radar settings.

The birds. They're back.

It's true, it's true: Imbolc was the beginning of Spring. The birds will renew in you what you've forgotten.

Love,
Sophie

Send your questions, comments, insights, situations, problems, perspectives and feedback to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Dear Ones,

I can't have just one motto. Life is too complex for just one. But my primary one, my most serious motto is powerful in its simplicity:

No expectations.

One way to interpret that, I s'pose, would be to assume that I have no goals, no aspirations. But I do have goals and aspirations (God bless the English language in all its conciseness), they're just a lot more flexible and scalable than expectations. I think the greatest danger of expectations is their inherent rigidity and lack of logical development. The word itself seems to imply a certain air of fixed entitlement. Expectations can manifest almost instantly, out of thin air, or on the basis of skewed interpretation of circumstantial criteria so ingrained that it seems part of the cycle of nature that everything fit a certain mold (variation being perhaps the strongest force in nature). By overly-simplified example, the expectation that going to college will automatically yield a particular career path or economic status in one's life. Or that marriage automatically means 2.5 kids, a white picket fence and a mortgage in a certain kind of neighborhood. The sense of entitlement is probably subconscious, but still --- thinking that these circumstances will --- or should --- manifest just by virtue of certain atmospheric conditions being in alignment is dangerous. Once that thought pattern is set, it becomes pervasive and affects all facets of life. Often we acquire our expectations by viewing, rather superficially, the lives of others. We compare and contrast our circumstances with others', never a good idea. We assume that what comes naturally for others should come naturally for us. We expect others to look and feel and perform and respond in accordance with our own appearance, feelings, performance and responses. Or vice versa. Ahhhh, relationships. They suffer the greatest under the burden of expectations.

Whether in our relationship with ourselves, our families, our beloveds, or the world at large --- expectations kill. Positive expectations almost inevitably lead to some level of disappointment ("Is this all?", "This looked so easy!", "What's wrong with him?") and negative expectations become strangely prophetic and self-fulfilling. We lug them around like anchors around our necks, though, because if we set them down --- we might just float away.

By that I mean, anything could happen! We use expectations to anchor us beyond gravity to worn paths we have memorized. Our expectations become our mantras and we blind ourselves to any other possibilities in our lives. We throw away beautiful relationships, we pour the ingredients for our eternal bliss down the sink and we hide under the bed from the ghosts we're sure are there to rob us in our sleep.

It's a form of chaos that I think we fear. I believe that our universe is ordered on chaos, on random mathematics that on a day to day level seem disjointed and frightening, but on a more eternal scale make complete sense, if we can just get high up in the air enough to see the whole thing at once. But getting up that high into the air can be terrifying. To anyone.

It's hard to be afraid. It's hard to give up the sanity and the predictability of expectations (even if the predictability is in our disappointment of those unfulfilled). But once we leave that worn path of familiar uphills and downhills, once we creep off into the unknown, let go of maps and compasses and scales of measures, incomes and outcomes and laundry lists of grievances; drop the reins, change our minds, open our hearts to what and who we don't understand; burn the script, put the guidebook away that tells us where to go and how to see it with our own two eyes and one heart and soul; sacrifice the ending, tear the back page out of the book completely and throw it right into the fire; throw kisses and hugs around like money and open the Pandora's box of forgiveness, acceptance & compassion; once we embrace the Unknowable, the Unbelievable and the Undefinable --- we are truly living. Down deep. And happiness is inevitable.

Love,
Sophie

Send your questions, comments, insights, situations, problems and perspectives to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Gentle readers,

Last night I had the all-too-rare pleasure of stopping by one of my soulsisters' house on the way home for an unhurried catch-up session. Talk started on the surface (weather survival, dr. visit updates, newsflashes from job and home) and eventually, as is prone to happen with us, got dug in and downright philosophical. Turning points. Does everyone have them? I was pretty sure that they do. Or, at least epiphanies. But what does it take to spark the flame? Why do some of us insist on letting things get so out of hand before we're willing to acknowledge that, "This path is just getting more and more overgrown and I can no longer lift my feet high enough to keep walking." At what turning point do we decide we have must take a new path?

It reminded me of this cool Web site I've visited time and again. Turns (<---right click, "Open in New Window") is fascinating and breathtakingly beautiful in its interface. You can't help but leave there with a different perspective than the one you bring with you (and by all means, leave one there too, your voice is needed). I am right in the bend of a Turning Point right now myself. It has taken months, if not years, so far and I'm anticipating a long haul ahead, but when I look back, I see progress. It's slow, no doubt. It has taken every strand of courage, hope and strength I can muster to turn this ship into the darkness ahead, but I feel a smooth direction forming now and it's all encompassing, affecting literally every facet of my life and every relationship, no matter how casual or dear. Everything and everyone in my life is coming along for the ride, whether they know it or not. While it's true that I've had to let go of situations in order to move ahead, the impact of every situation, every person I've encountered goes along with me. It would seem that most or all of us are at some stage or another of a turning point at any given time. Perhaps you just came through one, maybe you're in the process of turning and you're having to keep both hands on the wheel and really hold on just to keep control of the vessel that is your life. Or maybe you see one coming waaaay up there on the horizon and you're sort of enjoying the calm before the storm.

Wherever you are in your turning, stop and look around. Give yourself credit for the journey behind rather than punish yourself for not having made better time. Don't feel badly, whether you've overpacked or forgotten some crucial element that you ended up really missing after all. (Watch "The Accidental Tourist" for more.) You've done your best, even when your best wasn't good enough. And if you didn't, there's still time. This is no time for self-doubt, just self-reflection. You have to have faith in the fact that you can be trusted with the helm, that your skills and determination are all that are needed to make the journey. Trust those companions you encounter along the way, they ALL have a reason for manifesting in your life when and how they do, whether they are the grocery clerk or a wild egret along the river, passing acquaintance, coworker, your kids' friends. Every living being with whom you have contact has a mission in your life, however tiny. Each comes to us with a secret message, a clue to our cosmic adventure, even those who do not speak. That reminds me, when I take my kids in the woods, I sometimes say, "Shhhh, the trees are trying to tell you something and you're not listening." And then I realize ... the trees are listening to my kids. And I have to laugh. And listen too.

As my soulsister pointed out to me, "We're all doing the absolute best that we can." And for that, we all deserve a little extra time in getting there. She wanted me to pass that wisdom on to you all. And so there you go.

Love, Sophie

Send your questions, comments, insights, situations and problems to:
sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Hey Sophie,

Here's my problem. I met a great lady a couple of months ago and she seems to really love me and my 2 kids. They live with me half the time and their mom half the time. We all get along great as long as no one mentions my ex-wife's name in front of her. If one of the kids talks about their mom, or even mentions her in conversation, my girlfriend gets quiet and leaves the room, or if we're out, withdraws from the situation. It's very obvious. She has told me she doesn't want any things I had shared with my ex-wife around in my house too, even if I keep them put up. She says that it's disrespectful to her to have to hear my ex-wife's name or see traces of her in my life, but I don't see it. What do you think?

---Where to From Here?

Hey Where to?

I think you have a problem on your hands. And it's the new girlfriend. Her problem with your ex-wife, however, is not your problem, it's hers.

It doesn't matter how well you get along with her otherwise, her insecurity regarding your ex-wife is alarming, especially with kids involved. It's one thing to feel the pang of jealousy, quite another to act on it so blatantly. (We can't choose what we feel, but we can choose how we behave in reaction to those feelings.) Children should never be made to feel torn between adults. If they can't even mention their mom's name in your girlfriend's presence, that will start eroding their relationship with you, as well.

A mature adult (male or female) who cannot handle the mention of your ex's name or seeing any traces of her around is not a well-balanced adult. Your kids need to know that the adults are all at peace with one another in order for them to feel balanced and happy, especially since they share their time equally between the two homes.

I would recommend limiting your exposure to this woman to times when your kids are not around until and unless she finds a way to deal with her insecurities (a professional would be a good place to start). Her feelings of insecurity are normal on a smaller level, but her level of acting out is immature and inappropriate. Her behavior is very controlling and I would take that as a sign of other forms of control that will manifest over time. Even if the kids are not in contact with it, though, it will eventually start taking its toll on you as well.

There is one caveat: If the children (or you) are saying things like, "Mom makes better popcorn than you do" or "I wish Mom were here so we could have some real fun," then you need to have a talk with the kids (or check yourself). If however, the conversation is more like, "Hey Dad! Guess what! We went to the beach with Mom and look at all the seashells we found!" then I stick with my previous assessment and advice.

As a parent, you simply don't have the option of letting your kids absorb the negativity of the problems of the adults in their lives. It might mean limiting or even losing this relationship, but a good woman will accept you and your kids wholly. It's okay if she pulls you aside later and says, "Gee, that was hard. I struggle whenever her name is mentioned." But quite another when she behaves in the way you describe. Anything or anyone important to you or your kids should not have to be censored from existence when the girlfriend is around.

Love,
Sophie

Send your questions, comments & insights to sophie (at) freakinasheville.com

Happy Imbolc! Believe it or not, this is the first day of Spring --- on the Celtic calendar. It is also the day of the celebration of the Feast of Brigid.

Goddess of light, inspiration and all skills associated with fire (smithing), she is the benefactress of inner healing and vital energy. She is the mother of all things, mistress of all the elements, Queen with divine powers; trilogy goddess of the spoken word, healing and fire. (www.goddess.com.au)

Brigid was an incredible force in Celtic lore and eventually was adopted as a Christian saint, second only to St. Patrick in Irish history. If you google the name you'll get both stories. She's a fascinating chick, in any case.

I relate strongly to Brigid for several reasons. For one, we share the same day. I was born on this day, lo! those many years ago, and I am celebrating my birthday today. I feel lucky to have this birthday ever since I learned about Imbolc and Brigid.

I also have a profound interest in and dedication to the written/spoken word, to practicing healing arts and to ... fire. I find fire itself to be healing. Who among us is not intrigued by a flame? Every night I come home and light candles about the house. On weekends, they burn almost continuously, even in daylight. I find peace and spiritual sustenance in the presence of a flame on some basic, primal level. How many of you have candles in your home that you have never or rarely lit? Or a fireplace you rarely enjoy?

There doesn't have to be company coming or a power outage to enjoy the soothing properties of flame. Indulge yourself. Fire goes well with music, too. Turn off the tv, light some candles and/or a fire, put on some music you haven't heard in awhile, or simply turn on the radio.

Some folks might hesitate to burn candles because of the expense. I'll let you in on my not-so-secret sources for good quality candles at a price that frees you to burn them nightly:

• Big Lots at Innsbruck Square Mall. I get tealights there in bags of 100 for $4. They also have amazing candle holders and pillar candles at prices so low you couldn't make them as inexpensively. Always burn candles safely (tealights are among the safest), using either glass or metal or ceramic holders. Watch for overflow wax. (Write me for tips on removing candle wax from carpets, fabric and upholstery.)

• The Dollar Store always has an interesting selection of nicely colored and interestingly shaped pillar candles for $1 each. I routinely check any Dollar Store I pass for candles and keep a shelf full in my hall closet.

• (Dare I say it?) Walmart has great monster pillars. The kind with four wicks. They were $5 each the last time I stocked up and they last a really long time, especially if you keep them trimmed as they burn down.

• Grocery stores usually have 7-day candles in the tall jars for around $1 each, and those are nice on wide windowsills. Again, watch for fire hazards. Nothing will harsh your mellow like a housefire.

So that's your homework, freakinasheville. Get yourself some candles, (and some firewood if you have a fireplace or a spot in the yard to burn it) and enjoy a flame. Another day, I'll talk about homemade candles, which are loads of fun to make.

But let's get back to the Imbolc celebration. The first day of Spring! If you check out the history of the legendary Groundhog's Day, it's tied in here too. February 1 is the beginning of the season when warmth begins creeping back across the earth (doesn't matter where, I'll take it!). Of course there will still be cold weather. No doubt we'll have more snows and freezing nights. But what cyclic change ever took place all at once?

Think about the natural cycles of the seasons. The weather has never changed in one smooth wave in either direction, hot or cold. The changes come in spots that become more and more frequent and enduring. Isn't that the way all life's changes occur? Two steps forward, one step back.

We could learn a lot from watching the seasons change, from watching the cycles and movement around us. The lesson is everywhere, from the child learning to walk between falling and eventually just fall while walking --- to the sputtering of volcanoes over decades, centuries, millennia --- to the unpredictable crashing of waves as the tides ebb and flow --- to the not-so-smooth changing of the seasons.

Whatever changes we seek in our lives, we must allow for the natural rhythm --- the soft, hard, soft beats of the drum --- of our progress. Whether we're trying to recover from an illness or addiction, trying to raise a healthy, happy, sane child in a chaotic world, or simply trying to make our own way through the chaos, no journey is ever one smooth line in any one direction.

The real changes, the true cycles, can only be appreciated when we step back and survey the landscape. Go gently, then, and keep your flame burning. And happy Imbolc!

With love,
Sophie

Send your questions, comments and insights to sophie (at) freakinasheville.com